Struggling after an affair and an abusive marriage, how do I cope?

[Peachesandcream90]

I know im in the wrong and people will judge but i can't talk to anybody about this in real life and feel at my lowest. I had an affair both emotional and physical several years ago. I know its not an excuse and I was in the wrong, but there were issues in the marriage. My H became controlling, wouldn't let me have access to his money or agree to a joint bank account despite him wanting me to be a SAHM. If I wanted anything I had to ask him and give him receipts which was humiliating He refused to have my name on the mortgage or the deeds of the house house, even after i started part time work and paid half the mortgage. Things got worse after our second DC was born. He would often penetrate me in my sleep front and back and at times had sex with me even though i said no when i was awake. He would laugh and mock me when i said he shouldn't do that in my sleep. I didn't recognise this man who said he would take care of me, it was like a switch had gone off.

I confided in a good friend about this who I was in a relationship with before, we met at college. To this day he is the person that knows more about me than anyone. He said it was wrong what my H was doing and that he was treating me like a sex object. We began an affair and he said that we should have been together all this time and ill be honest, i did really fall in love with him again. We both stopped it and I knew I needed to concentrate on DC, but said we would keep in touch. He eventually stopped messaging and then said he'd met somebody else. I replied saying if he wanted me to never message him that would be OK. He blocked me on everything anyway which is fine but I wouldn't have messaged him if he didn't want me too. I never stopped thinking about him, I still dreamt about him and often woke up crying when I did (I know it sounds pathetic). I saw him recently when on my own and we just said an awkward 'hi', then I saw his partner and toddler son with him. I'm happy for him, he was desperate to be a dad, but I'll be honest I feel even more crushed after seeing him. I hate hate my life but I know I have to carry on for my DC but I am struggling so much knowing i screwed it up with somebody who actually cared about me. Really not coping well.

Are you still with your abuser OP, or have you managed to escape that awful life?

If you haven't then please find a way to do that.

I think you need to focus on you and your DC right now, not the one who got away. That ship has sailed and as painful as it is to face that, you've got bigger priorities to deal with, building a life for yourself without abuse.

I agree OP - you need to get away from this awful husband of yours. You deserve so much better.

Stil with H. It's very difficult for me to leave for many reasons.

I recall your thread from the other day. You had plenty of good advice. You said you can't leave for many reasons. Perhaps you need to address those reasons?

U will get peace, it might be difficult initially, if you leave your husband. U deserve better. His behaviour is vile.

So sorry to hear what you have been through OP.

I haven’t seen your other threads, but what is the main thing standing in the way of you being able to leave?

Is it finances, logistics, housing etc or your state of mind?

So many people on this forum have been where you are and got out; people can help and advise you.

That wasn't me. I'm not sure what you're talking about.

I didn't post a thread the other day. The person got confused. I've never told anybody about what I posted. It's everything.i have no money, I wouldn't know where to go, would ripping my family apart etc.

Never mind ripping your family apart. You are already causing great damage to your children by exposing them to this environment. Please don't say they're not aware of what's going on, because they definitely will be.

would ripping my family apart etc.

This is unnecessarily emotive language that really doesn't help.

Yes, leaving may be one of the hardest things you'll ever do in your life but you know deep down your marriage to an abuser isn't going to last.

At least leaving on your terms (no matter how long the planning takes) will be better than it being thrust upon you.

Nothing's being 'ripped apart', you'll simply be separating for good.

You are being raped by your husband. Your happiness and safety is just as important as your children's.

Ripping the family apart is better than your children watching you be abused. They too deserve a life without an abusive man in it. As for not having money - I don’t mean to sound insensitive but if he’s financially abusing you you don’t have any now either.

He hasn't done things like that in a long time. Possibly because I sleep with one of the kids very often. I do need to leave though I know that. I still harbour resentment about it and I can't get past it no matter how hard I try.

That's what I meant. I have no money. I can't afford to support my children alone plus pay rent, bills etc.

Your children are your priority here. Not the affair partner or your abusive husband.

Prioritise their emotional safety and leave. Contact woman’s aide or refuge for support.

And now you're minimising his behaviour.

Would they still help despite the abuse no longer happening?

Is your name now on the mortgage? If not he is still financially abusing you, although you will have the last laugh because, as you ate married, it doesn't matter whose name is on the mortgage, in a divorce the house, his pension , any investments and savings are considered to be joint property

Yes, you’re still struggling with financial abuse.

Not on the mortgage or deeds no. But im not even thinking about divorce yet. I just want to be away from him.

I apologise. Your situation is very similar to a previous poster who stated that they couldn't leave but didn't/couldn't explain why. You're in an abusive relationship and you need to put your children and yourself first. Women's Aid, CAB, a solicitor will all be able to advise.

Understanding your true financial will help you to plan a future without your abuser.

My dear woman, you are allowing yourself to be a victim. I don’t mean to be harsh but if you were one of mine I’d be looking at gathering information to see what, if anything, you can do and count on to get out of this dreadful marriage.

Ring a family lawyer & ask for a free consultation (most firms offer it) to see what yr legal rights are. Google for a solicitor near you & ring them, today. A lawyer might tell you that you’re entitled to far more than you think you are.

Contact Women’s Aid to ask what they might be able to do to help you escape.

Contact or visit Citizens Advice for advice about benefits you will be entitled to.

All these activities will empower you. You might choose to stay but at least you will have explored your options.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Good luck Lovely. Lift your eyes to a more peaceful horizon.

Its OK you don't have to apologise.

I will not be able to give my kids a good life. I have no money, no car, can't drive, no savings and work a minimum wage job with no education apart from 12 GCSEs. H has a good job, earns well above the average wage although im not sure how much be comes away with because he doesn't let me know. He is well educated and has thousands of savings I think although again I have no idea how much money he has. Everybody loves him, my family, people at work. He's extremely charismatic and always helps people out. Volunteering, and helping people with things on their home like installing appliances of they can't do it. I'm not popular at all, I'm very shy, 15 years younger than him, and people don't really warm to me.