Struggling after an affair and an abusive marriage, how do I cope?

[Peachesandcream90]

I know im in the wrong and people will judge but i can't talk to anybody about this in real life and feel at my lowest. I had an affair both emotional and physical several years ago. I know its not an excuse and I was in the wrong, but there were issues in the marriage. My H became controlling, wouldn't let me have access to his money or agree to a joint bank account despite him wanting me to be a SAHM. If I wanted anything I had to ask him and give him receipts which was humiliating He refused to have my name on the mortgage or the deeds of the house house, even after i started part time work and paid half the mortgage. Things got worse after our second DC was born. He would often penetrate me in my sleep front and back and at times had sex with me even though i said no when i was awake. He would laugh and mock me when i said he shouldn't do that in my sleep. I didn't recognise this man who said he would take care of me, it was like a switch had gone off.

I confided in a good friend about this who I was in a relationship with before, we met at college. To this day he is the person that knows more about me than anyone. He said it was wrong what my H was doing and that he was treating me like a sex object. We began an affair and he said that we should have been together all this time and ill be honest, i did really fall in love with him again. We both stopped it and I knew I needed to concentrate on DC, but said we would keep in touch. He eventually stopped messaging and then said he'd met somebody else. I replied saying if he wanted me to never message him that would be OK. He blocked me on everything anyway which is fine but I wouldn't have messaged him if he didn't want me too. I never stopped thinking about him, I still dreamt about him and often woke up crying when I did (I know it sounds pathetic). I saw him recently when on my own and we just said an awkward 'hi', then I saw his partner and toddler son with him. I'm happy for him, he was desperate to be a dad, but I'll be honest I feel even more crushed after seeing him. I hate hate my life but I know I have to carry on for my DC but I am struggling so much knowing i screwed it up with somebody who actually cared about me. Really not coping well.

By raising them in this environment, you’re not giving your kids a good life now.

It would seem you're arguing limitations which can all be changed if you had the will/motivation to do so. Are your children/future happiness not motivation enough? I'm not saying any of this change would be easy, but surely it's better than what you have now. You have more agency than you realise. It's really up to you to use it.

My children are very happy. It's me that isn't. Me and H don't argue or talk about things on front of them. Of course their happiness matters, which is why I feel stuck. They need a safe and secure home, none of which I can provide by myself. I feel I have no agency at all tbh and wouldn't know where to start. I could try and research financial options when the kids are back at school.

You haven't mentioned the age of your children. Do they have aunts/uncles/GP? I don't believe you should underestimate the impact on them of your lack of emotional wellbeing. Myself and others have already suggested Women's Aid, CAB and solicitors. But only you can make the choice to act on it.

I do have family but they have their own issues and wouldn't be much support. DC are 8, 6, 3 and one more coming soon.

Thanks. I will try to contact somebody, maybe citizens advice. Do you have any idea what a solicitor would ask me? I know nothing about finances or the mortgage or my husband's income. I would be embarrassed because they would think I was really stupid.

If you leave you will be entitled to benefits. I know everyone says they’re not much etc but the fact is many people are on benefits for various reasons, families are on benefits for years and years. They cope, so will you and your children.

ripping my family apart

Don’t really know what that means but children don’t need ‘family’, they need people who love them and encourage them and have their best interests at heart and take them to the library and the park and point out lovely things to them, like a rainbow or a cat sleeping on a wall. These people are generally called ‘family’ but they don’t have to be. They can be the class TA, your mums friend, the lollipop man, anyone. They don’t need ‘family’ as in a DNA trail. They just need love.

You feel like you can’t do it and it’s an insurmountable cliff to climb but that’s because you live in a terrible condition. If you have other people around you, you will realise that you don’t have to do it alone, they will help you.

And ”no money, no car, can't drive, no savings and work a minimum wage job with no education apart from 12 GCSEs”, take these one by one.

No money - people flee DA in their nightie at 3am, people will not let you go without. You would not be left to walk around like that, emergency type places (police, hospital etc) have access to things to start, don’t worry.

No car - don’t live in the countryside with no bus service then. There aren’t many houses there anyway, most are in places with public transport.

Can’t drive - meh. So many people cant drive.

No savings - of course not. You’re in a controlling relationship. You’ll be able to save something in the future though.

You work a minimum wage job - that’s great, so many people currently unemployed. Hang onto it if you can, if you have to give it up you’ll have enough to live on until you get another one.

No education apart from 12 GCSEs - that’s phenomenal. Ever thought about an access course and university? Or something with the OU? An A-level at night school?

Honestly, no money and a peaceful room to live in where you and your children feel safe is going to make you cry with happiness.

I would be embarrassed because they would think I was really stupid.

They would think ‘yet another vile man’. Honestly, they’ve heard it all before.

As you’re pregnant, speaking to your midwife is a really really good way to start. Can you book an appointment or call her?

From Google: https://raydensolicitors.co.uk/blog/how-to-get-out-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/

@NoCommentingFromNowOn Thanks for your lovely comment. Yes it all seems overwhelming.

Don’t think of it as one huge thing. Step one is tell your midwife via the phone or ask for an appointment. She will tell other people eg GP and get the ball rolling, and all you have to do is whatever she tells you. It might be ‘ring this charity’ or it might be ‘pack a bag and go there’ etc. This is her job, she is looking after you and your unborn baby plus your other children.

People who work in these sorts of jobs are very used to women telling them things like this, it is part of their training and they have access to all the things you need to know.

OP, I was in an abusive marriage for many years. It took me years longer to leave than it should have, for reasons I felt were justified. Turns out once I left I wished it had been years earlier to have avoided more harm happening to me and my children. Don't wait for something new to trigger it. It's already bad enough and you are not currently safe.

Once it ended I felt so amazingly FREE! My home became a safe place of peace and happy times. My DC felt the relief and joy in me and so it translated to them too.

You are ground down and afraid. It's a big deal to put a grenade into your life. I get it. It may take you a long time to bring about change or you may find the courage and support soon (I hope). Please know that you deserve to be free and happy and so do your children.

Some suggestions to help you process things:

Do The Freedom Programme course run by Women's Aid. You can do it online.

Read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Ask your local library to order it in if they don't have a copy.

Give your local Women’s Aid group a call. You can find the details online. They are used to supporting women in abusive situations. You don't have to leave and go to a refuge, just get their advice about planning and what options you have. They can help you claim benefits, housing, essential grants etc. Have a chat with them.

You need to get your ducks in a row and leaving safely can take time to plan. Things like getting evidence of his income and assets, the children's passports, financial documents etc are useful to do now as you will eventually claim for child maintenance/divorce settlement and he will hide his money.

Pregnancy is often when abuse escalates because you are at your most vulnerable. He will make threats, diminish you and try and control everything. Plan in secret.

Keep posting on MN (relationships board) because there is a wealth of advice and help from women who have been exactly where you are and are now thriving and safe.

Haven't read the full thread but if your partner earns well and you have supported him/enabled him to do so by looking after the kids and the house so he doesn't have to think about that side of things then surely you would be entitled to up to half of whatever wealth you've both built up? I haven't been through a divorce myself so I can't advise on the ins and outs but from what I understand, assets built together should be shared. You wouldn't be left with nothing.

I think that's what I need to do, start secretly planning. It's very hard, especially when he has been nice to me the past couple of days and I'm emotional and hormonal.

I did pay half the mortgage up until recently but then cut my hours down. I just transferred my money to his account though, it was nothing official and as I said my name doesn't appear any documents to do with the house. I wouldn't even care if he kept the house though tbh as long as i had somewhere safe for my kids

You should get something decent. I doubt you will be left penniless but it would definitely be worth at least consulting a lawyer.

Are you Legally Married in UK? If so 50/50 on Everything: House, pension, savings, income, investments is the starting point. Go on line and check if your name is on the Deeds if you are married and there might be a way you can add your name. You will not be left penniless. If you are being financially controlled put in a claim for UC, today or on line now, at the latest Monday. Even if you think you might not be entitled still do it.

Do not say anything about leaving or what you are looking into. Keep very quiet and do not make him suspicious as it will trigger him hiding stuff or try to sell the house etc before you have lodged any claims.

In any event contact Women's Aid and get your 30 mins free from as many solicitors you can without arousing suspicion.

Sorry you’ve had such a difficult time, OP. I’m guessing you were very young when you got together with this man who is 15 years older. He is abusive and sounds appalling. It is in fact very common for abusive people to cultivate a very respectable public face. There’s a saying for it: street angel, house devil. It’s another way of keeping you trapped. FWIW, i think this other man is not a particularly good man either.

Plan slowly. Speak to your midwife. Take your time. Do NOT tell him what you’re planning.

There should be helpful information at this link.

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

I wasn't very young, I was 24, but perhaps very naive. I'm curious to know why you don't think the affair partner was a good man? It felt like he loved me at the time but I was married and shouldn't have done it, I had no excuses. I'm worried the midwife will see me as unfit if I tell her I'm planning on leaving with no money or means. Even health visitors do a spot check of your house and where the baby will be sleeping don't they?

@Dobeebeedah Yes we are married. No I am definitely not on the deeds.

You can go on the Land Registry and put a marker on without his knowledge. It is to let you know if the home you live in is put on the market for sale. It is very easy to do yourself. You can also register that you are married on this site but I don't know how it's done. Just go on the site and have a look unless another poster can let you know how to do it.

Tell your midwife and HV what is happening in your home regarding violence and financial control and they will do all they can to support and help you get away. Do not be afraid of them, they are there for you and your DC, Not Him.

There is no violence, and I'm not sure if it's classed as financial control. I've looked it up and it says financial control is when your partner stops you from making money, takes all your money, or leaves you destitute without basic necessaties. H isn't doing any of that with me. It seems more of a marital issue and I'm not sure they would be interested tbh.

@Dobeebeedah
Thanks for this. I looked at this today and according to AI, the person on the deeds is apparently notified when a person makes a claim. If my husband found out be would go through the roof. But I will look into it more, perhaps AI was wrong, thanks again.