Would you pursue a relationship with someone living 90 minutes away?

[TheCleverGreySheep]

Hi there,

how far would you travel for a good connection with someone realistically ?

I met someone that lives in 1 hr 40 mins from me.
train ride - 1hr 30. We have a great connection

neither of us have children yet- and neither of us would re locate I don’t think either.
would you go for it ? Or walk away…

90 minutes is nothing, but realistically, one of you is going to have to move at some point, if the relationship is to progress. Why do neither of you wish to move?

I'd say it's the lack of ability to compromise that is more revealing than the distance itself.

I mean, I'm a lesbian, so London<->Glasgow is normal. I think the heteros are more sensible in this regard.

Not if neither of you was prepared to relocate at some future point.

Doing a 3 hour return trip to see someone becomes tiresome after a while. Ok for maybe a year. Or two.

After that? One of you either moves or you split up. It's not a great permanent prospect.

Yes, give it a go and keep an open mind. It may just fizzle out anyway

If everything else is great, I’d say see how it goes, one of you may decide to relocate at some point if it gets that serious then it will happen.

I would only pursue it if I thought it was realistic that one or other of you would move or both of you would move somewhere in the middle and be 45 mins away from your work/family/friends or whatever keeps you there.

If you’re quite literally both never going to relocate then I would end it - you won’t be moving in together, getting married, having kids etc whilst living an hour and a half apart!

How much do you both want to find a partner? It can be difficult to find someone on your doorstep, it will ultimately limit the options for both of you. Personally I wouldn't give up on a good connection for the sake of having to potentially move up to 90 mins away in future, it's not exactly halfway across the world, especially with no kids to think about. But it depends how attached you are to where you live vs how much you want to meet someone.

When two people are dating for long term potential, a discussion really needs to happen to see if you're on the same page in all major ways. Kids or not. Matching ethics. What the relationship boundaries are, such as if each is okay with male/female friendships, or not. If you match in desired time spent together versus time spent apart with other leisure activities. And of course, in your case, if you're both willing to never live together and forever commute, or if one is willing to relocate.

No matter how into each other you are, if there are any disparities in major areas, it'll be best to no longer invest time into something that's not going to work.

Do you both drive?

It would depend on:
A) how much I liked them.
B) how often I wanted to see them. (If you are happy with every other weekend for example it could work really well. If you like to meet up most evenings, pop in and put of each others' homes for a cuppa etc, less well.....

Good luck!

I really think it depends on your circumstance. Both single with no ties … yes. Both with young children …. No.

for the relationship to work long term one of you will most likely need to relocate and if that can’t /wont happen it’s doomed from day one.

I dated someone an hour away many years ago. We both had young children and after 2ish years it was clear it could never progress.

My partner of the past 10 years lives about 1.5 to 2 hours away depending on traffic.

Works for us because neither of us is remotely interested in sharing our living space with anyone else, and it also means you don't have someone in your hair 24/7, 365 days a year.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

& do either of you have children ?

what’s you’re ages if you don’t mind me asking ?
we’ve been seeing each other every other weekend, it’s new though…. Maybe only 2 months.

@TheCleverGreySheep

No children, ages are 40s + early 50s.

As other posters have suggested, I think the situation is different if you are 20s or 30s and looking to find a prospective partner to start a family with, but if you have no interest in children, no interest in living together with someone, or you're just beyond that stage in your life anyway, then the "living apart together" thing works quite well.

There are no joint finances to stress over or cause arguments, we both get plenty of "me" time to do whatever the hell we like, you don't really need to worry about the grind and drudgery of living with someone eroding and destroying any affection you feel for them, but we both know that when there is a need for it we have each other's backs and we'll make the effort to "be there" when required. The fact we're not together constantly means there isn't any resentment or begrudging either when one of us is ill and needs support, or there is something needing done which requires two people on hand.

I've done the whole married, living together, typical family thing for decades in the past, and it simply is not for me. It still seems to be the default presumption that this is the only valid, and best possible scenario for every single individual, but it just isn't true. I honestly do not enjoy or crave the company and presence of other people enough to ever want one hanging around my arse 24/7, and I'm including people I love to bits in that. I didn't know this years ago when I went into that situation, but I do now, and I will never subject myself to it again.

It depends what you actually want from a relationship really. If you're just looking for someone to have fun with, see each other every other weekend and go on holidays together it could be fine. It suits some people, as long as you're both on the same page and communicate well.

My boyfriend lives in a different country to me! We have amazing weekends together and go on loads of holidays, it's lovely. It means when we're together we can really focus on each other without getting distracted by jobs/chores/mundane real life stuff. If that's the relationship you want then 90 minutes is nothing.

Me and my BF are hoping to live together at some point and we've both expressed we would be willing to move. While our current setup is ideal right now I knew living together was something I probably wanted in the future and I wouldn't have started the relationship if we weren't on the same page. If this is something you want, even if you don't think you necessarily want it with this guy, I'd recommend against it given you're both unable to relocate. As you'll basically see an idealised version of them it'll be easy to get feelings and start wanting more than he might be able to offer. I also wouldn't have started the relationship had he been a stranger (we were friends for a while and pretty much fell for each other before we even started the relationship).

Basically it's entirely dependent on what you want! If you know you're happy with a fun, weekend and holiday relationship and you definitely don't want anything else then go for it!

Who's been doing the travelling to see who?

DS2 does this commute every single day for work!

And DS1 lives an 8 1/2 hour drive from his fiancé. They can't move nearer each other right now due to early career obligations that are inflexible.

So, yes, it's possible.

I did years ago but unsurprisingly it fizzled out. The novelty of travel wears off very quickly especially at the end of the week when you want a bit of time to yourself and to do your chores at your own pace. It can also be expensive.

It's fair enough that those can be seen as excuses and maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

I always said I'd never have a distance relationship. Then during the first lockdown I started chatting to someone online. Not on a dating site, just a mutual interest one. We were soon chatting for several hours a day on Facetime. We just clicked. Johnson said single people could bubble up so we did.

Two-hour drive. We alternated weekends, one of us driving to the other on Friday evening (arriving at 9pm with the other having made dinner) and driving home Sunday evening.

Just over two years later I moved in with them. Six years and counting and best partner/relationship I've ever had.

I used to have a 3 hour commute to my office. 😂 When Dh and I were dating, 2 of those 3 years we were an 11 hour flight from each other. We took turns flying to see each other every 2-3 months.

A relationship where you retain your own houses and travel to each other is something that I think can work, and know people who have done.

So you are both living in the same location for rest of your lives? Are you 18 or 80?

Yes.

Reader, I married him.

Two hours away with London in the middle (pre M25)
We each did the trip at weekends for 3 years.
I'd set off straight from work at 5pm and drive back on a Sunday or sometimes even a Monday morning, setting off at 6am.
I moved to be with him. That was 40 years ago.

I don't consider 90 min especially long these days.
It depends on the route and if it's mainly motorways and A road.

If neither of you wants to move, then that's an issue.

Why would you not consider moving and to a halfway point?
You could still keep your friendships going and possibly work. 45 mins to work is normal.

we’ve been seeing each other every other weekend, it’s new though…. Maybe only 2 months.

So you've seen him approx 4 times ( every other weekend for 8 weeks.)
How do you feel about him?

TBH if you've only met every other weekend, it doesn't sound that you or him are especially keen on one another (unless there is some reason for the infrequent meetings.)

I've known couples drive 1.5 hrs each way for a date (and go home the same day.)

Usually when you're first dating someone it's more usual to have more meetings closer together to see if you get on and it's worth continuing.

How old are you both?

An hour and a half. If I was into that person, yes, I’d make the effort as long as they were willing to do the same,

No, not if neither would relocate at a later point. Find someone closer to home.