22 year relationship ended

[Summerluvin1]

Absolutely gutted. Been with my OH for 22 years, just found out yesterday that he has been messaging another girl behind my back and meeting up with her (apparently very innocent, dog walks etc) shes from work, I had a gut feeling something wasnt right I couldn't put my finger on it so I checked his phone and lo and behold the messages were there. We have 3 children and a mortgage and I feel my world has blown apart. OH states he isn't happy, I said how long have u felt like this, he said only since he started talking to this girl which was 3 weeks ago. I said that doesn't make sense he said he didnt realise he was unhappy but she makes him feel excited and being with her is better as it takes him away from the dull routine of life we have (?) Well thats life when u have kids, and we still do lovely things! I just cant believe it. He didnt fight when I kicked him out and says he has feelings for her. I then messaged her basically calling her out as he told me she herself was going through a bad break up and she said she doesn't like him like that and when I said your welcome to him she said but I dont want him, and apologised for her part in it. So we are now separated, I took great joy in telling him what she replied and he didnt say a word. Does this feel like a midlife crises? Im so so angry right now, the tears have stopped but im so full of anger 🙁 im not even sure whag im asking on here, just venting I guess.

That explains her freaking out and denying any intentions as frankly she could lose her job due to her behaviour in this situation. Bringing organisation and profession into disrepute

Would it be acceptable to write a short professional email to the headteacher stating that they should reevaluate her role as it does not represent the schools values very well? 🤭

You joke, but I would report her.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Oh im not joking, also to mention him as he is the one that deserves to be humiliated more. Spoke about this to a few friends and they said not to as I night regret it but I dont think i will tbh

Id be furious OP. He's a father of 3 children. He meets a woman and he's immediately "not happy".
You have three children you bastard...suck it up.

@Summerluvin1 you might want to exercise caution in reporting to your husband's employer. Suppose he lost his job and then you'd have to up your financial support to him?

I can manage financially. I also dont think they would actually fire him but meeting up with s work colleague. I just want to make them sweat.

Why not direct your anger (just) at where it belongs - him?! I think it is petty and misogynistic to be focusing so much on her. She, a single women, went for a few walks with your DH, and has no interest in him beyond that. He is the one who was deceitful, and who owes you honesty and care, not her. Sorry this is happening to you - hope you can get your ducks in a row and leave with minimal damage.

I don't know but I recon if I was in ur position I'd be seriously tempted!

Good for you, OP. You sound very clearheaded about this. The only thing I would say is that I wouldn't necessarily believe her when she says there is nothing between them. She might be telling the truth, of course: however, I find it odd that he would go as far as to actually leave, citing her as the reason, if there was nothing whatsoever on her side. It doesn't really matter and it doesn't affect your position. I'm just warning you so that you aren't shocked if they pop up together as a couple.

I'd contact school to raise concerns about professional standards or lack of them! Maybe even contact LADO if direct contact with children?

Don't do this. What have they actually done. Met up and walked the dogs. All the other emotional stuff between you and him isn't relevant to employers and you will come across as slightly irrational. She hasn't 'stolen' your partner or broken io a family, as people can't be stolen. She's walked the dogs and chatted with him. And that's what she will say.
You don't want to create real bitterness if you are coparenting, if it can be avoided. You'll be surprised how nasty people,you thought you knew, can get in these situations. It will achieve nothing other than fleeting gratification on your part and has potential to create significant rifts that will cause you problems going forward.
Big the bigger person and direct your energy on sorting out a happy future and secure co parenting agreements.

What professional standards should they investigate, exactly. Two colleagues meeting to walk the dogs and chat.

Exactly this advice is awful you will make yourself look utterly ridiculous saying he went on a walk with her sack her now! I know it's probably really difficult but you need to stop focusing on her she is completely unimportant focus on him what he's done on your finances on your children. A

lso be very very wary of harassment charges this woman probably had no idea how your husband felt you've messaged her and clearly been told this if you then start trying to get her sacked technically that's harassment two incidences of unwarranted and unsolicited contact especially contact trying to get her sacked could see you up for harassment. A police caution or even a severe talking to is not going to help you.

This will backfire do not do it

I'm not sure really how any relationship with them would be of concern to the school. Surely lots of people start, or are in, relationships with colleagues. I worl in a school and there are several married couples, most of whom met at work.

Agree

I never sent the email, I dont think I ever qas, but the rage to get even or hurt them was overwhelming. I did say to him though that he needs to tell her how he felt because she was making out I was getting over emotional about a walk, when clearly the time spent together made him develop feelings for her. He told her and she said they were just friends. A small victory if nothing else. Doesn't really help though. My attention is off her completely now, she is irrelevant.

He's since told me hes not been happy for the past 8 months. There's no going back now and I'm feeling extremely low. Looking at putting the house on the market.

Oh this is awful for you, you have been blindsided by someone you trusted. He is rewriting your past (felt like this for 8 months) well he might have told you so you could have had a fighting chance to work on your relationship. He is a coward and you are feeling sad about a man you can no longer trust with your heart. Maybe his ego is also playing a part as OW clearly does want him (haha what a mug he is) more fool him for blowing up lives for nothing tho that doesn’t make it any easier for you. you know that now you know you do have agency you can grieve the marriage and do things on your own timescales you are not answerable to him.
what you need is a trusted friend, family member, or individual counsellor can give you somewhere safe talk this through to get clarity for yourself. Remember his “behaviour/feelings” don’t define your worth/value. Be good and gentle with yourself on your terms now. He is a looser you will see that eventually

I don’t always think it’s just that - I think a lot of people, but especially men find it tough when the interest and excitement are no longer there, not so much to discover or chat, they’ve heard all your jokes, they know all your faults and don’t think you are amazing ‘all the time’ you aren’t excited to see them etc - Many men in my opinion have whopping egos and want someone to think they are amazing and a new person will often give off that vibe! And then all of a sudden they feel dissatisfied with the Groundhog Day life that a lot have. I think whilst women can feel this way too , more women are realistic about how the new and exciting is just for most ‘a stage’