22 year relationship ended

[Summerluvin1]

Absolutely gutted. Been with my OH for 22 years, just found out yesterday that he has been messaging another girl behind my back and meeting up with her (apparently very innocent, dog walks etc) shes from work, I had a gut feeling something wasnt right I couldn't put my finger on it so I checked his phone and lo and behold the messages were there. We have 3 children and a mortgage and I feel my world has blown apart. OH states he isn't happy, I said how long have u felt like this, he said only since he started talking to this girl which was 3 weeks ago. I said that doesn't make sense he said he didnt realise he was unhappy but she makes him feel excited and being with her is better as it takes him away from the dull routine of life we have (?) Well thats life when u have kids, and we still do lovely things! I just cant believe it. He didnt fight when I kicked him out and says he has feelings for her. I then messaged her basically calling her out as he told me she herself was going through a bad break up and she said she doesn't like him like that and when I said your welcome to him she said but I dont want him, and apologised for her part in it. So we are now separated, I took great joy in telling him what she replied and he didnt say a word. Does this feel like a midlife crises? Im so so angry right now, the tears have stopped but im so full of anger 🙁 im not even sure whag im asking on here, just venting I guess.

You’re not married? What about finances?

I know this is easy to say, but you need to think rationally, not emotionally.

I would see a lawyer and confirm your likely financial situation - it may not be that good if you are not married - in the event of a split before making rash decisions based on a few messages and dog walks.

It might be better to treat this as the wake up call you both need to start really communicating and getting your relationship back on track than as the break up.

Life with three small kids is really hard work, do you carve out time for yourselves where you get a babysitter and go out and reconnect/have fun?

All the best…

I agree. It’s not a full blown affair at this point so it may be worth saving, think carefully about whether you want to split. Think about what the marriage has been like, have you both become complacent? Do you still enjoy being together, have fun, sleep together?
how old are your kids? Think about their lives and splitting their time, etc. Would he/you be opening to counselling?

Be prepared for him to come crawling back when the reality sets in that she doesn’t want him.

That’s not much comfort though, as now you know he was willing to throw away everything for someone he barely knew.

Surely it’s only not a full blown affair because the other woman didn’t want him. If she had, it sounds like he would have been off like a shot.

Maybe 🤷 and maybe it’s a wake up call. We don’t know, but counselling is a good place to start. It’s easy to say LTB but when lives are so enmeshed and there’s children involved it’s just not as easy as that.

You posted in 2025 about your partner “wobbling” about your relationship. Think this may have been building as he has
never proposed marriage as you said then

3 weeks isn’t long to be talking to someone else, it sounds like her likes her but it isn’t reciprocated, so not even an emotional affair. It may be the wake up call you marriage needs. It depends if he’s just acted rash after being blamed for something he hasn’t done, or whether he really means it.

I’m not trying to minimise him feeling like this about someone else, but if he hasn’t done anything like this before in 22 years and he’s been a good husband to you, it may be he’s feeling down or a bit depressed. Did he say he wants to be with her or that he wants to leave as it has made him realise he’s unhappy, those are different things.

I'm really surprised at some of the responses - by the sounds of it he doesn't even want to work at the relationship, he'd rather have some "excitement"

How is any of this OPs fault? Even if she was "complacent" it doesn't make what he's done right.

If I found out my OH had sent even ONE flirtatious message to another woman, I'd be gone

@Littlebitpsychothis …

Jesus, how low can the bar be? You’d accept this behaviour just because it’s not a “full blown affair”? Not everyone wants to put up with cheating, disloyal and disrespectful men.

OP this is terrible advice, ignore it.

Thsnk you all for the advice, some good but some bad tbh. No ok its not a physical affair but I'll be honest this actually feels worse somehow? Lying to me about meeting her, organising walks with her when he knew I was busy, it is so so deceitful and sneaky. A few of my own friends have said dont make rash decisions maybe you can work through it, but how? And why should I? He seems convinced that he doesnt want me anymore and that talking to her was great because they spoke about anything and everything. Well of course its great, because its all new things to discuss and clearly with me after 22 years I dont have anything 'new' or 'exciting' to say, its pathetic. When I mentioned again yesterday about this girl not wanting him (sorry its the only ammo I have to make me feel better) he said well I guess thats my karma. None of this, oh I've made a big mistake I love u I've been a fool speech, so i do believe theres no going back

I wouldn’t want him back either. He’s thrown your whole life and family away because he’s wandered off after something new and shiny. You’ll never feel safe with him again.

Practical things now OP.

Have you got enough equity for a separate house? Are you able to pay your bills?

If a man doesn't think you're the best thing since sliced bread he's not worth having.
I hope your children are old enough to sit down and talk to.
I'd speak to a lawyer re your financial situation.

He should be terrified of losing you, fighting to get things back on track, apologising, remorseful, agreeing to counselling or whatever it needs, but he's not. It will only be salvaged if both of you want it, how can you stay together after this? Very difficult

Yes absolutely paticularly thinking is the way forward. We have a mortgage. No other finances or loans debts thank god, makes it less messy. Both earn the same amount so very 50/50. I am going to email my mortgage advisor later,see if I can buy him out (doubtful) failing that ill look into a shared ownership house as we had that before years ago and it worked well so I know what im dealing with. Mercifully I inherited 10k off my granny last week which went straight into the joint and I have now moved that to my own persoal account. I dont think he would take it but I clearly cant trust him. So when people say dont make rash decisions like I am doing now, but what else do I do? I feel getting my ducks in order gives me some control back tbh.

They all say they've suddenly realised they haven't been happy for a long time when their head has been turned.
They are comparing apples to oranges when faced with a perceived choice of day to life with someone and something shiny and new.
I think whatever you want for the future you've done the right thing to separate for now. He needs to live the loss of you, the imagined loss won't be enough to shake him out of it.
Having been through this (twice) , you're absolutely right to hold your boundaries. Whatever the outcome your future self will thank you and well done for trusting your instincts and not playing pick me.
I wouldn't believe anything he or her say at the moment. You need to look at actions not words.

Why do so many men think with the lump of gristle attached to their front?

Well done on being strong op. You deserve better than this man - if he wants ‘excitement’, let him crack on, he’ll be begging to come back soon enough (don’t!) Get the finances sorted and move on to co-parenting and having a better life without constantly worrying he’s going to cheat.

Wll said!!!

Good for you OP. It will be hard but stick to your guns. Better to be on your own than have someone who puts 'excitement' above his family.

He betrayed you in a horrible way. You may take him back but be honest would you ever trust him again ?? Do you want a life of checking his phone, checking his socials, going crazy if he is an hour late from the pub. That’s no life and you deserve better so do your kids xx

For the same reason that so many women think with, I don’t know, their womb, and just have to have a baby, no matter how bad the situation.

This. We are animals after all. Doesn’t make it right but we really are just put on this planet to procreate and die, OPs other half is a twat though absolutely. He can go have exciting times as much as he wants, boy bye. Thank you next.

I've just found out shes actually the family support worker at the school he works at

The irony of that, shes broken my family. I blame him more dont get me wrong but she knew he had a family.