I’ve been seeing a man for around six weeks, seeing eachother maybe 3 times a week and until this point things have been going really well. I met a couple of his friends and he met one of mine. We are very open and vulnerable with eachother, challenge one another and genuinely enjoy eachother. We recently spent a beautiful weekend together where I finally let my guard down quite a lot.
On Monday, he told me he was finding himself wanting more of my time and headspace. He said he really liked me and wanted more connection, but that he was struggling with the fact that I have a young child (2 years old - 60% with me/40% with dad custody)
His concern was that my child is naturally such a priority in my life and always a consideration in my decisions, and he worried that he would never be able to occupy the kind of space in my mind and life that he would want from a partner.
He said he wanted a very close, “entangled” relationship with a partner and was worried that because I already have such an important person in my life, I wouldn't be able to give him the level of emotional priority he would want, as if my ability to love is limited.
He has a fear of rejection amd a fear of vulnerability. He is currently in therapy.
At the time, I tried to reassure him that my child being important doesn't mean there isn't room for a partner to be deeply important in a completely different way. I told him that I understood his concern and wanted to understand exactly what “more” meant to him.
He then became increasingly worried that his feelings wouldn't go away. He said he didn't want to waste my time or allow me to become more invested if he ultimately couldn't be happy in the situation.
After some space, he told me that his gut was still telling him he wanted more and that it was “too much/impossible to ask from me,” and that he didn't think the feeling would change.
He also said that he knows he likes me enough and is very attached to me that if he saw me, his emotional side would want to make it work, which was why he was worried about seeing me.
I asked whether this was something we could actually talk through or whether he was definitively done. He continued to say that he was worried about getting deeper into something, becoming more attached and then finding that he still felt this way, potentially hurting both of us. He didnt actually answer my question.
I eventually sent him a long message explaining that I had to say my bit because he made a lot of assumptions and I wanted to correct the narrative. I told him that I care about him a lot, that this hurts, and that he had already been steadily becoming a priority in my headspace and life.
I told him that I had the capacity to hold space for both him and my child, and that I didn't see them as competing for the same position. I explained that if he had suggested becoming official and properly giving this a go, I would have said yes. I wanted more of his time, attention and closeness too.
I also told him that I wanted to build the kind of close, “one unit/entangled” relationship he had described, that my child is one part of my life and identity, and that there was plenty of space for him to have his own important place. I wouldn't expect him to feel about my child the way I do, or to compete with him.
I wasn't trying to pressure him to change his mind; I just couldnt sit there with him not knowing the truth as he didnt really know how I felt about him as I held back a lot. He also didnt have a clue about my capacity, and just assumed for me.
His response was:
“This is a lot for me to take in and process. Thank you for telling me.”
I'm now struggling to understand whether I've actually answered the concern he originally raised, or whether this is something deeper that my reassurance can't solve.
I'm also questioning whether this is simply a genuine incompatibility with dating someone who has a child, or whether he's become frightened by the increasing closeness and is trying to resolve an uncertain future before we've actually experienced the relationship.
Also, if he does respond once hes processed - is his catatrophising, overthinking and creating hypothetical issues likely to be an issue moving forward?
This man is truly the kindest, sweetest man I have met in my life so far and he has made the last 6 weeks of my life so beautiful.
Any outside perspective would be appreciated.