Dumped and dumbfounded

[Spondoolie]

My partner (M55) has just ended our 4 year relationship completely out of the blue two days ago. I feel as though I have had my entire future ripped out from underneath me. No explanation. Just ‘I’ve made a decision’.

I feel like I have lost a part of my body.

what do i do now to start feeling ok? I’m reeling.

any advice on what I can do to support myself and cope with the million whirling questions in my head?

I feel absolutely horrendous.

I am sorry this has happened and I will posit the obvious and predictable statement that he has possibly met someone else. Maybe, may not.

It's so painful at first and I would feel the same was if my boyfriend did this (we are both almost 55 and it's a 5 year relationship).

Do you have friends and family you can arrange to see? I hope so.

That is a difficult pill to swallow, i think he at least owes you a proper explanation, if it’s an off the cuff decision maybe there’s someone else in the picture, as long as you’re safe and secure, it won’t affect your living arrangements or your finances then just dust yourself off and move on because it sounds like you deserve much better. Big hugs 🤗

That’s unusual, he simply said irs over, I’ve made a decision and there was no further conversation?

I don’t think there is any point in asking for more, he will say whatever is easiest.

i would agree with the pp and say if you think carefully the signs will have been there,

He said he felt the relationship had changed in the last couple of months but had not said a thing to me. When I asked him why he hadn’t said anything, he just said he didn’t know

Cherchez la femme. Where you living together? Focus on practical things to seperate if so

Don’t do that, it’s like some form of weird obsession on here with other women, sometimes relationships don’t work.

If he's prepared to just dump you like that with no warning at all after four years together, honestly you are better off without him.

Of course sometimes relationships don't work out, but it is very common for someone to end it suddenly when they've actually been mentally preparing for a while. I think if the OP thinks about it there will have been subtle signs for a while and honestly, it's almost 100% the case that someone else has caught their eye.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. It’s incredibly overwhelming and feel unbearable at the time. However, in my experience, men do not leave unless they have somewhere else lined up to go! They can deny as much as they like but it will come out! There is always someone waiting in the wings!

You need to come to terms and process what has happened. There will be no explanation coming, or opportunity to work through any issues. He has moved on already. I'm sorry this happened to you, it happened to me and I regret wasting so much time trying to think of ways to resolve any issues. It later emerged he was seeing somebody else and I was the last to know. I was also blindsided and had no idea it was coming.

so take some time to yourself, eat well, avoid alcohol and look after your self really well....Fresh air, pamper yourself. Spend time with people you really trust and love...Watch the movies you love, listen to music you love...take your time to heal and you will...And the reasons will become obvious to you in time..but don't focus on that now...

Not sure about cherchez la femme.

Call me cynical, but at his age, cherchez the very large inheritance coming his way in the near future that he doesn't want to share, more like.

Are people (men) not allowed to just break up with people anymore?

I know right, someone’s going on about inheritance, like they were getting married or something, others saying he must have been cheating.

sometimes relationships just don’t work and you don’t want to be in it any more. Pretending no man ever leaves any relationship unless it’s a woman or money is ridiculous

Oh come on. Those saying it’s not another woman are deluded. Men don’t give up sex for no sex.

Right as for men, all sex is good sex. No matter how you feel about the person.

Im so sorry you’re going through this. Know that in time you will get over him and you will survive this. If a man can so callously dump with you with no real reason why would you want to be stuck with someone like that.

Well that is brutal.
Of course you must be reeling... and not knowing why makes it extra hard. You do deserve an explaination.
But what is certain is.. there is no coming back from this. The brutality of it coming with such decisiveness from out of the blue makes that very clear.

Your question was.. how can you get through this.
Well, I think you are actually in shock and a measure of grief... grief for the future, the security and the affection, you were willing to exchange and thought you had.

At some stage, you need an explaination from him of some sort just to stop you wondering. It probably feels like he thinks you did something wrong.. but there's no way of knowing that... and from the way he announced this and behaved... I don't think you should be ready to take on the guilt for why things didn't work out. There could be all sorts of spurious reasons on his part.

But maybe if you can - put all that to one side for the moment and focus on the fact that its over and look at the practicalities of it. He seems to have gone already, which suggested you don't share property.. which is a blessing if that is the case. And since he did leave in such a manner, you can be certain that however low you feel, he is not good enough for you. You may have thought things were going well and he would be there for you. But he wasn't going to be.. So you are probably grieving for who you thought he was, rather than who he really was.
Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, eat properly, try to sleep properly and distract yourself. See friends and relatives and anyone you care about and just trust that the shock will pass in time, and hopefully by then you will have explored a bit more about why it ended and where to go from here and even what a better future will look like, without a partner who enjoyed all the benefits of your relationship, but would have fallen at the first fence when it counted.

I know plenty of men who have left unhappy relationships with no one waiting in the wings. They might like the prospect of someone else in future, but that's not the same thing.

And calling people who have different opinions and experiences to you 'deluded' is just rude.

good advice x

Thank you and yes. All of the above.

He was such a huge part of my days, the void is massive

I don't believe for one second that you DO know "plenty".

I also think you're probably deluded rather than outright lying