Dumped and dumbfounded

[Spondoolie]

My partner (M55) has just ended our 4 year relationship completely out of the blue two days ago. I feel as though I have had my entire future ripped out from underneath me. No explanation. Just ‘I’ve made a decision’.

I feel like I have lost a part of my body.

what do i do now to start feeling ok? I’m reeling.

any advice on what I can do to support myself and cope with the million whirling questions in my head?

I feel absolutely horrendous.

One thing I learned during counselling for a similarly inexplicable break up was that I had to accept that I may never get an explanation, least of all a "proper" one from him.

Realising that was very helpful in the long run, even if it felt massively unfair at the time (and actually it IS unfair, but humans are weird).

That is brutal, and must have come as a terrible shock if you thought everything was going OK, but it can be a blessing for it come in a swift, decisive blow.
Long drawn out break-ups, often involving the leaving partner treating you badly, or character assassinating you can be extremely painful.
Usually, when they say "something's changed" I would bet on him meeting another woman. Be kind to yourself, keep your dignity and don't contact him begging for explanations. Do lots of nice things for yourself to fill your time.

No..it’s not allowed. It’s always because they have found someone else. They are never, ever allowed to feel the relationship has just run its course, only women are allowed to leave a relationship for any reason they choose. It’s the MN rule, in fact, it’s the law.

With him saying the relationship had changed in the last couple months but saying nothing about that to you, he's had this breakup in mind for a while.

There may or may not be someone else involved, but his feelings about you changed to the point he wanted out. You probably won't ever get a straight answer from him about it.

Rest, hydrate, do things that you find soothing and be gentle with yourself. It sounds like this came out of the blue, so try to take care of yourself. See if your friends can support you a bit for now.

I know men who have done this, 3. One was dating her for two years. Decided for some time it wasn’t working, then ended it, he then got on the dating apps, met some women, was single for some time. He just stopped slowly enjoying spending time with her, she was boring him, didn’t want to do much, just sit on the sofa and watch her programs.

a second ended his marriage, there was no one else, just he was sick of it, she was always telling him what he couldn’t do. Acted more like a parent than a partner. So he went off on his own. And was happily single for some time.

thr third they both knew it wasn’t working, lots of arguments, he called time.

ots a huge myth to say men stay in unhappy relationships if you shag them, and only leave if another woman offers to shag them, and very naive

Hi OP. When you say huge part of your days... do you mean just having company or that you had particular hobbies or a friendship circle... because you can continue with both of those things and maybe after a while it will feel easier because perhaps he wasn't as present as company as you thought he was, maybe he was quieter, more withdrawn, not willing do to things or go out as much.
Given that he said nothing to you for months, it doesn't soound like he was much of a conversationalist.

Is there anyway you could go away for a short break, just a change of scene whilst you gather your thoughts?

What about if there is no sex in their current relationship?
Either way, plenty of men leave their partners without other women waiting.
I think lots of women convince themselves there's another woman because it's easier to swallow than the alternative i.e. they just don't like you anymore.

What a very strange attitude. Sometimes men leave because they aren't happy in the relationship. End of.

I'm really sorry OP. This has come as a shock to you, but he has been mulling this over for a while . It's horrible that he hadn't said anything or made any effort to fix things. For that alone, I think you've dodged a bullet.
He may or may not have another woman in mind - not all men do. I've known men to leave because they are personally unhappy and haven't seen their current dp as 'the one', but weren't seeing anyone else when they ended things. He should have given you a proper explanation so you could have closure and it's unkind that he's just dropped this on you without that explanation.

This^^.
You will be fine. You were fine before you met him, you don't need him in your life. Try to concentrate on spending times with friends and family who enrich your life.

Was he married? My husband used those exact words after 32 years of marriage.
Foolish man.

I completely agree with you @BeEagerRubyBird . I can only think @NeatPinkFinch knows very few men. It takes a brave man to decide a relationship isn't working and leave. I know one man who felt his partner always treated him as if he was a naughty child. She never spoke a kind word to him or about him. She was still devastated when he left her.

My cousin left his wife for the same reason. They had three children and she had very firm and rigid views about everything to do with bringing them up. He said he was always in the wrong and he got fed up of being told off all the time.
I witnessed her doing it many times myself.
It's not always other women.

I've seen plenty of women bully their partners.