Struggling to move on in a controlling and unhappy marriage

[nicetotalk]

I’m finding that I’m irritated by everything husband does, to his parenting to his outdated remarks to his lack of interest in anything other than his work. We have went through a bad patch and agreed to put a line under it but I’m really struggling to forget the bad. He has in the past threw things(knife blocks, cast iron pots) in my direction, pushed me and tried to physically remove me from the house leading to me lying flat out on the floor. He worked long hours and put it down to tiredness and has since reduced his hours and have had no incidents since (approx 2 years) but he questions everything I do and I feel like walking on eggshells. If he is off for a night and I’m just washing clothes and stuff he pressures me to come sit with him, if I go out with friends he moans to kids (neighbours anyone really) about me going out and he has even said why would I want to go out with friends that are single. We are not young, nearing 50 and my friends that are single have not always been. Does he expect me to ditch them cause they are not married? When I pull up in the driveway I take a deep breath and put on my happy face and set about pleasing everyone (husband and kids). Am I just going through a phase, I realise I’m of an age could be hormonal but I frequently think about what it would be like to live under a roof where I don’t feel like this. I don’t want to only have my children half the time as they are my world and I also have concerns as one has medical needs that he has never been overly involved in and I would worry. Do people think it is better to sacrifice happiness for benefit of their kids? They are teenagers so do i wait it out and hope its hormonal and feel different. I don’t like who I am becoming and don’t want to go on like this. We have been together for over 20 years. I have no doubt he loves his kids but not so sure about me. Came to light recently every time we had argument he would run to his family and bad mouth me, I did the opposite and kept things in as didn’t want my family thinking bad of him. Like we all do he very much gave it from his perspective, he never told anyone about things he had done. Needless to say I don’t have close relationship with his family and sadly I recently lost my parents so I don’t no if this is also part of it. I now don’t have anyone to disappoint. He also has put a tag on my car and switched on my share location on phone. Does anyone relate? Thank you for reading x

You posted in 2024 about DH and the consensus was he is abusing you. He still is. Will he change - Nope after 25 years of this. Will you do something to change your situation ?

This man is violent, aggressive and controlling, and you need to leave. He has been abusing you for years.

He sounds awful. I would be making plans to leave.

You're in a domestic abuse situation.

How can you "draw a line" when the abuse is ongoing? He's monitoring and controlling you.

It's not better to stay "for the kids" when they're growing up in an abusive household, having this model of relationships normalised to them. You're just setting them up to repeat the cycle in their own futures.

He hasnt threw things in a few years, the only thing which I have addressed with him is he follows me about in an argument and gets very close which I’ve told him I find intimidating. Day to day I don’t feel unsafe I sometimes just feel unhappy and not myself as I try not to do anything that makes him huff or judge me. I can see how that sounds as I say it but my kids don’t know it all and most days they live in a happy home because I make sure everything goes smoothly but it’s exhausting. If I suggest separating though I know he will not make it easy and he will use my eldest against me as they are their own wee tag team at times. I down play when we fall out whereas he runs to them and talks to them like they are adults - even once threatening to go and never come back

He hasnt threw things in a few years, the only thing which I have addressed with him is he follows me about in an argument and gets very close which I’ve told him I find intimidating.

Because it's meant to be intimidating. It's an abusive behaviour.

Maybe he doesn't throw things anymore because you're trained to pre-empt his temper. Not a case of him being better, but you placating him and being hyper aware of his moods.

He's training your eldest to be just like him.

Abuse isn't just physical though OP. The controlling, tracking, making it difficult for you to go out, the emotional abuse - that is all abuse too.

And make no mistake either op, your kids do not live in a happy home. No it is a thing but and denial too is a powerful force. Indeed your eldest child is being taught by his/her abusive father to behave similarly to dad. That child is being emotionally abused right in front of your very eyes. He/she does not realise they are being manipulated by a master manipulator in the shape of their dad.

It is not your fault nor theirs he decided to embark on his own private based war against you. Your marriage to him is over and all the words you write are those of an abused person. Abuse too thrives on secrecy do you have taken yet again a small but important step writing on here.

Never embark on any joint counselling with him. It is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse is also not a relationship issue. It’s about power and control and your abusive h wants absolute over you here.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser? The coercive control he shows you and in turn your kids is a crime. Where do you see yourself in 12 months time, still with him?. If you really want to change your life as well as your children’s for the better then you need to start making plans to leave your, and in turn their, abuser. Speaking to Women’s Aid and seeking legal advice re divorce would be further progress in freeing yourself

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? . What your kids are seeing and hearing harms them as there is always an undercurrent of fear and walking on eggshells aka living in fear.

I am so very sorry that your late parents thought you were a disappointment to them. They let you down and that also played its part in you being with this msn now.

Do you really think that such a man would bother with his kids going forward?. No he’s more likely than not to farm them out to his family as they will interfere with his work and social life. You’re right in that he will not make it easy for you to leave but you and the dc need to leave before he really does destroy you all.

you have a choice re this man. Your children do not so you need to make better choices with both yours and their welfare in mind, not him. Doing nothing and or hoping for the best are not options.

nicetotalk
So sorry you find yourself in this situation. I have not experienced the physical violence you describe and I would be worried this would escalate. I hope you are okay.

My husband has been coercive and is controlling (or tries to be).

I am not happy. Unfortunately both of us have health issues so need to pull together for dc (extended family not in uk). I tolerate but feel on edge and agitated a good deal of the time. I do feel for the dc as they are witnessing two people who tolerate each other. There aren't a lot of arguments but the underlying tension is there. Like you I don't want to see my dc half of the time and this is really important to me. Financially, we are also better off remaining together and have a comfortable life. We have a largish house so it probably makes it slightly more bearable than it otherwise would be, in effect I have a separate bedroom and lounge plus a couple of other rooms to occupy if I want to.

I was going to leave but didn't and I have to find peace with that. I guess I weighed up what would be the least regret. My eldest dc recognises the situation and is relieved that it remains stable.
I am trying to build more of a social network. I think it makes a difference having supportive people around you. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of these.

I can remember your previous thread and the way this man treated you was appalling.
You have another thread today about his hideous approach to parenting, which is favouring one child over another in order to hurt you.
His having ‘little chats’ with them about adult disagreements is manipulative and dangerous. If you want them to grow up to
meet manipulative partners, keep going.
These threads are full of posts of women who have grown up in homes like this who also put on a happy face for their parents but the damage was horrendous. Mental health issues, physical illnesses, these are all stored within.
If you end this marriage, with some guidance your children will have the chance of a better life. You will be free from this awful, dark, horrendous atmosphere of control.
You are a bright woman, you aren’t 50 just yet, not that age matters, you are bright and you know this is wrong.
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known him.

What you tolerate will continue, and probably get worse.
What would it take for you leave?

Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

Do you think that he would actually see his children half the week going forward ?. A lot of women do get bothered about this but in reality 50/50 is but a starting point.

Is he really bothered about them now, it could be argued no because he’s quite happy to see his family unhappy. As long as he gets his needs met it’s ok in his world then the rest does not matter. Also such men can go on about 50 percent as a way of avoiding paying child maintenance.

Whose sake are you staying for really here because it could be argued it’s for your sake rather than the kids. Your eldest child would say anything not to see you upset but they are still not in an emotionally stable environment. Would you want your d.c as adults to be in such a marriage?. No and you would want better for them. It’s ok to want better for yourself too rather then just grow flowers in the hole you are in.

What happens when they eventually leave home and it’s just you and your h (if you are still together or he has not gone off with someone else?).

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no legacy to leave them because you’re showing them that currently at least, this is acceptable to you. It is ok to change your mind!.

I understand what you’re going through - completely.

I have been with my husband for 25 years. I was 18 when we met and had years of jealous controlling behaviour.

like you, I’ve had the odd physical thing happen here and there, and whilst they’ve largely been many years ago, the effect it has on my nervous system seems to never go away.

when we were very young, he locked me out of the house when I was out with a friend, other times he’d text repeatedly if I was out and cause all sorts of stress in the lead up. Many many comments and stress about work wear and work generally. He pulled me across the bed once and on another ocassion yanked me off of the bunk bed ladder when I was trying to get into bed with my son (safe place) after a night out - always going out. The worst I’ve ever had it physically was he spat in my face once. It was 13 years ago and I’m not sure I have ever truly been able to forgive him but have accepted that reheated punishing him also, is helpful to no one.

I’ve very seriously packed my bags on a few occasions and I’m pleased to say we had joint and single counselling and he improved all lot. But it’s been slow and it’s taken years. I say this to show you that people can change but it’s about whether your hard boundaries are still being crossed.

for us it was mainly around going out and even though for years it’s been almost normal, it’s still in there and on the odd ocassion something comes up where I might want to stay away (this was not even an option for many years) there’s always some kind of thing - a comment, a conversation, a dig something and inside I hate him for it.

It’s almost disappeared now with a lot of work and fight but I’m left with constant egg shells. It’s like my body is holding onto all the years.

he can be so very spiteful when he’s angry too and I’ve become softer and more sensitive as I’ve got older - a phase or hormones - as you say - who knows.

you’re not alone even though it feels so lonely.

I personally do love my husband and would prefer to be happy together forever, but I feel sad a lot of the time and question whether there’s something wrong with me at times (because it was years ago and yes mainly great now).

He put a tag on your car?
Without your knowledge or consent?
For what reason??

Putting aaaalll the other issues aside, that’s psycho and I couldn’t be around that mentality and feel in any way relaxed.

Thank you for taking time to send such a comprehensive reply. Sorry I didn’t mean it that way re parents. My parents were great I just mean when they were alive if we had separated that might have been a disappointment to them whereas now I don’t have that worry. They didn’t no the extent of what happens. My mum did say to me once she didn’t like what she seen one night when he lost his temper - she didn’t like look on his face. I have known this man though since I was 18 and I honestly believe he is not all bad and I have no doubt made mistakes too. He will hold back my hair when I’m sick, get me chocolate when I have cramps, go downstairs and get me paracetamol in the middle of the night. I don’t think for a minute he sees what has happened as abusive

I am sorry you are going through this too. I have not received any physical marks as such but as I get older I feel more anxious and worried about escalation in arguments. Not that we argue often as I generally
don’t address issues cause I hate any drama. I too have.a largish house so extra room to put space between us when I want but if I do that outwith an argument he comes looking for me and asks why not sitting with him. He does it in a way that he thinks he bong nice wanting to spend time with me but doesn’t feel like that for me

Omg I so get the things you are saying. I get the underhand comments too but then I accept I probably do the same thing without realising. I’ve had same job since I was 18 and when we meet new people he introduces it into the conversation as a negative every time. I have recently lost weight through healthier eating and exercise and when he mentions it it’s only as a negative. He is overweight so think makes him feel better if he puts me down for it or maybe I’m just over sensitive because of how much has went on. Like u all the bad things come to the forefront of my mind regularly and I then find it hard to be happy in the current. We have ha some lovely family holidays recently and I then think ok this is something we can fix but then unlike u I’m not sure if I love him or I’m just used to him, I’ve had him longer in my life than not and we grew up together and lost both sets or parents and been through a lot

You were targeted at a young age by your now h to abuse. You were just coming into adulthood and he has stolen many years from you. The only good to have come out of your union are the kids. Your relationship, let alone your marriage was over the first time he abused you.

Am glad your parents were good people after all and your mother was very frightened for you when she saw his temper. That behaviour of his was a red flag you either did not recognise due to lack of life experience or made excuses for (he’s not all bad). The time to do that now re him now has long since passed.

Your h indeed sees nothing wrong in how he treats you but make no mistake op, he is abusive towards you and in turn your d c. What do you think they are learning from you two about relationships?.
Would you want them to have a relationship like
this?. No you would not and you need to learn also the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You are not some rehab centre either for such a badly raised man.

What he has and continues to show you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. The nice part is an act he can’t hope to ever maintain so the mask does slip and slips often.

Where do you see yourself in a year’s time?.

There is nothing to fix because you cannot fix him. He is a product of his own upbringing. You are not responsible for him when all is said and done.

The only person you can save here is you and in turn your kids who are all being affected by growing up in such an adverse environment.

He does not want your help or support: you are supposed to be the uncomplaining domestic appliance he can mistreat when he feels like it. The man now has a tracker in your car and he’s monitoring your every move.

You have daughters. It will indeed be a miracle if neither of them ended up being abused in their own adult relationships. Sadly the odds of that happening are not good.

Where is your red line in the sand here re him?. Or does that not exist and you end up further becoming a shadow of your own self?.

You’ve known him since he was 18, you ‘grew up together’, he’s been better the last few years, you’ve not received any physical marks, you’ve both ‘been through a lot’, you’ve not been perfect either - I tried that shit on a DA worker and she told me to stop minimising it and wouldn’t listen, so we’re not going to listen either. All the bad stuff is here in black and white and saying ‘well he fetches me paracetamol’ doesn’t really matter tbh.

I can see from your previous posts that your children are 12 and 15. You are teaching them that this is the way men talk to women, this is the way husbands deal with their wives, this is how dads are, this is how women are, they are absorbing all this.

You are in your 50s? That’s an excellent time to leave and start again.

I would start a new thread saying ‘I’m leaving my husband, give me practical tips, how do I do it?’

You will never be happy with this man, you will never have your freedom, and your children will either be like him, or they’ll wish you had left when they were children. Please, please leave.

A pp has described this as abuse and the devastating impact it is having on these two young daughters and OP has gone straight to defence - he’s not all bad, he holds my hair, he gets my chocolate.
Abusers are not abusive 24/7 they throw you little crumbs of comfort so that you stay.
If OP continues the effects on these teenage girls will be horrendous.
I find DH going to speak to the eldest DD and having chats with her over marital conflict to be disturbing. It is called triangulation and it is a dangerous game to play with this daughter’s mind. At 15 she should be learning to model a healthy relationship, not being manipulated by her own father.
If OP wants to stay that’s up
to her, but these two girls will grow up with a twisted view on marriage.

He sounds horrific. I wish you nothing but strength, for goodness sake please leave him.

There’s a few things I relate to here, op - the irritation with my DH and the sense I’m walking on eggshells sometimes . He’s also got a tendency to say regrettable things in arguments. Similar age and length of marriage. Yet currently, the positives in our marriage outweigh the negatives, and we are happy much of the time. I am making a choice to stay right now, despite some aspects of our relationship being less than ideal.

But what is very different here is that your husband is abusive and controlling. You need to leave. This isn’t about weighing things up - he is violent and men like this do not change. Leave as soon as you can and do not look back. I wish you all the best OP xx

He’s abusive and controlling. Being occasionally nice does not remove that. You’re posting 2 years on from the last time you wrote about how awful he was. Do you want to stay? If so, why?