My husband doesn't like other kids in our home.

[whirlingswirlingsaucepan]

My husband doesn't like other kids in our home. Particularly young boys, as they TEND (not all) to be more energetic and he is worried they COULD break something. We live in a fairly large house at the edge of a small town. He has been strict with our kids, making sure they are extremely careful in our home. (I found this hard, as I believe young kids should play and be free (within reason) to make mistakes). We have a comfortable lifestyle, so we can afford for kids to make mistakes.

The problem is we have lots of family and friends with young kids. (Our kids - all girls - are also under 10). And it's a very important value of mine to invite people round to my home. I wanted to have a small bbq and invite a few people, including my sister and her kids round. My husband is happy to invite other people, but not my sis as her kids "Might" break something. (They never have). It makes me so sad. I'm very close to my sister.
When I insist on things like this, my husband gets grumpy, he says I'm not considering his feelings and we end up arguing and arguing and arguing. This happened a couple of months ago when I invited a couple of close friends round with their kids.

What can I do?

Is he controlling in other aspects as well?

He has been strict with our kids, making sure they are extremely careful in our home. (I found this hard, as I believe young kids should play and be free (within reason) to make mistakes)

It sounds a restrictive, stressful, miserable atmosphere to grow up in.

Why is he dictating all this? Why aren't your views as important as his?

Too late for that now though in OP’s case.

Wow and you married?!? Divorce I think

To be honest, I have some sympathy with your DH as I too hated having other people's kids around as I always found them a bit feral compared to our own (both boys). The capacity for hyperactive boys to destroy stuff when unsupervised is massive, and the issue I had was that DH was happy to invite people over, but didn't do any of the supervising or 'policing', preferring instead to be 'jolly Dad at the BBQ' or whatever. As a result we had broken beds (jumping up and down on them), massive stains on carpets and sofas (including in so-called 'out-of bounds' rooms) and shapes and letters scratched on a lovely oak bureau by an unsupervised young lad with ADHD who went into a study and found a paper knife in a drawer "Oh dear" said the parents "he's always doing naughty little things like that..."
Can you agree some parameters, or lock out of bounds rooms?

Are your kids allowed friends round?

I agree, except that most people don’t have a couple of rooms to designate just for play!

This.

I'd say: well, let's try to ensure they don't, but if they do, things can be replaced. But you can't replace a childhood in which no one ever comes round to play because your parents are so strict.

I'd just invite people over. Get him used to it.

You could also argue to take it in turns. One weekend, no one is invited around, in respect of his feelings. Next weekend, children are invited around, in respect of yours and your Dc's wishes.

Are you using the correct word there?

I never used to hugely like kids in my house either - they're frequently noisy, messy, hardwork, whiny, and generally required me to cook for them, but I did because my children liked it, and because I wanted to see my friends and family who had children.

Just child proof your house OP and go ahead. Ignore him and the subsequent sulking.

My dh used to be a bit like this op and l was always on edge. So we compromised and set a couple of rooms aside that kids weren't allowed in - now he couldn't care less and everyone is welcome everywhere.

Remind him that in a very short space of time the children won’t want to hang out at home, won’t be there to have friends over and all too soon he’ll have an empty house.
It seems like only 5 mins ago my teenager was a tiny baby, he doesn’t really hang out with us anymore and I miss the chaos of him and his little friends running around the garden, staying for lunch etc
Our house is still full, people coming and going and friends calling. I’ve got all boys, dogs and an open door policy.
My DH is more like yours, but he knows that our children’s happiness will always come first. He avoided a lot of the early play dates etc simply by being at work, but knew that on weekends nieces and nephews would be here. If he found it too much he would slope off to get some peace.
I’ve never had something out on display that I would worry about being broken, and throughout the years nothing has ever really got damaged.
Im not bothered by possessions though and it sounds like your DH is.
Ultimately its also your house so you should be able to entertain who you want there, as someone else has suggested picnics and meet-ups outside is a great idea if you don’t feel able to stand your ground.
Life is too short for everyone to tiptoeing around incase things get broken, no one ever stands up at someone’s funeral and says ‘they had lovely things and their house was so tidy’ they remember the fun, laughter and get togethers.

Invite them round, replace anything damaged (hide personal stuff that's irreplacable) and deal with any sulking. He'll get used to the idea that it's your house too.

He isn't respecting your feelings so not sure why you need to respect his. The compromise is that you hide stuff you don't want breaking. Agree to have a conversation with people about his concerns if you have that kind of relationship with your sibling.

Further compromising: ask him to help agree ground rules so 'remove shoes on entry' etc. He will then have no leg to stand on by still refusing to compromise.

Agree what is he worried might get broken? Have you got many valuable ornaments around or similar? Must have been tough for your kids growing up with those restrictions

My dad was like that

HIS house was for HIM to relax after HIS hard day's work

I imagine he still has no idea why DSis and I went low/no contact many years ago

this (And others who’ve said similar) have nailed it.

of course no one LIKES having other peoples kids over. After all, spending time with other peoples kids is a job you get paid for.

but unselfish people do it for their kids.

What an absolute fruit loop.

Just invite them. God I can’t imagine asking my husband permission to invite my own family round!! Ffs.
Sounds like you need to do it more often and don’t make it into a thing. Just do it randomly.

I dread to think how much this father is instilling in to his own girls that they are to keep quiet to please him.

This is coercive. He is making the rules and is telling you effectively no visitors because he values stuff over friendships and socialising. In short he doesn't want people in his home and he doesn't like children particularly so visitors with children are not welcome, no playdates or sleepovers. He must be a right bore. Well its your home too, if he doesnt like people coming then he can go out. However, what you may not be telling us is that some of the children coming to your home are a bit wild and not very respectful. You do have to set rules. Put valuable items away and create areas that are out of bounds for play.

My dh was a bit like this, its just selfishness really, worrying about things being broken is just an excuse. Just tell him it's your home too, you are having people round, decision made, you are not going to argue about it. And don't engage with him on it. If he wants to put certain items away for safe keeping fine, (he won't because its really not about that).

Tell him to put away the things he is worried about getting broken before the children arrive.

unfortunately, I think the posters saying ‘just invite them over, he’ll get used to it’ are being somewhat optimistic. The fact that the op has had to ask strangers if she’s allowed to invite her own family to her own house, tells you that we’re not talking about a normal relationship

I get he doesn’t like it, he’s allowed to not enjoy it, but that it causes him to argue and argue and argue? Thats not normal. At all.

Imagine what he will be like by the time you have grandchildren! Tell him to get over it or he won't have anyone left in his house!

Yeah my mums husband was like this. I never went back after I left home. And my house is in open house we always have people round. Life’s to short and yours kids are only young once.