My husband doesn't like other kids in our home.

[whirlingswirlingsaucepan]

My husband doesn't like other kids in our home. Particularly young boys, as they TEND (not all) to be more energetic and he is worried they COULD break something. We live in a fairly large house at the edge of a small town. He has been strict with our kids, making sure they are extremely careful in our home. (I found this hard, as I believe young kids should play and be free (within reason) to make mistakes). We have a comfortable lifestyle, so we can afford for kids to make mistakes.

The problem is we have lots of family and friends with young kids. (Our kids - all girls - are also under 10). And it's a very important value of mine to invite people round to my home. I wanted to have a small bbq and invite a few people, including my sister and her kids round. My husband is happy to invite other people, but not my sis as her kids "Might" break something. (They never have). It makes me so sad. I'm very close to my sister.
When I insist on things like this, my husband gets grumpy, he says I'm not considering his feelings and we end up arguing and arguing and arguing. This happened a couple of months ago when I invited a couple of close friends round with their kids.

What can I do?

Can you extrapolate?

To do as she is told and follow his rules.

I had a friend who's husband was like this. Didn't want the children to have any friends round to play, didn't like her friends coming in the house. Turns out he was a controlling abusive man. She ended up having severe mental health problems and taking serious psychiatric drugs for years.

They're divorced now and she and the children are well and happy. His children don't have a relationship with him at all, their choice.

I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg. Do you all need to live in a show home and look perfect all the time?

My husband’s father was like this (still is really) and it made his childhood a misery. Never allowed to have friends over, yelled at for existing in his own house. He hated his father for many years and now just about tolerates him. His mother was much more relaxed but didn’t really stand up to him, tiptoed around his ‘moods’ to the detriment of her children, which I think is also very damaging and not okay. Nip this crap in the bud now or be prepared for a lifetime of submitting to his will.

Having play dates and guests is a normal part of having children.
I am also house proud. But I have rules when our kids' friends are here. No going into our bedroom, no frightening the dog, tidy up after playing with things, good manners and respect our things.

Tell him he’s hurting his children’s development abd your ability to strengthen and enjoy your relationships and friendships and you’re happy to go to counselling with him but you will invite people with kids over and regularly, and he can stay, go out when they come around or move out, if he moves out he will eventually lose his kids too since none of their friends will be welcome at his house. And invite someone with kids around for the next weekend. I wouldn’t let my husband lose me my children and my friends, it’s my house and I’ll live in it.

Yikes how fucking miserable. I am determined to be the house where all my kids' friends want to hang out, after growing up in a house where we weren't allowed people over. We host most weekends and I love it. If DH had a problem with it I think we wouldn't get much further as a married couple, what's the point.

Or his children’s.

this is awful op. It isn’t fair on your children or you to have to live like this.

When my boys were little, there were always extra children here - I loved it and miss those days! And you know what - nothing precious ever got broken.

Sounds like most autistic men I know. Things are more important than people, socialising is considered a pointless ordeal, rude and hostile to visitors. Massive anxiety around having ‘strangers’ in the house, discomfort in others’ houses, happiest at home with partner & family present so long as they don’t interact or expect anything. Any of that sound familiar?

In experience, you either need to keep inviting people and give him permission to go elsewhere in the house and not expect him to be polite / sociable and put up with an atmosphere of tension and hostility, or prioritise socialising with your DDs at others’ houses or other places, out from under the oppressive weight of your DH’s anxiety.

Banning you from inviting your own sister to your own home sounds a helluva lot like coercive control/abuse, OP. Look for Lundy Bancroft's book (free pdf online) and look at the Women's Aid website, see if any more of it rings any bells.

Sure. But in that case, don’t get married and have children and expect everyone to cater to your needs at the expense of your own. Live a solitary life where you never socialise and control exactly what happens in your living space.

I don’t think many people enjoy it, but its one of the many things you sign up for when you choose to become a parent. It won’t be hard for him to put away anything delicate or for him to police where they have food/drink.

He's damaging his children. Choose your children over him.

I feel so sorry for your children. I expect they are treading on eggshells all the time. Which will make them very anxious. How can you live like that. What else is he controlling about.

No no no. He is the problem. He is the one being unreasonable. He shouldn't be alowed to dictate who or can come to the house.

Or. Not give in to his irrational demands, and invite the people you want to invite to your house.

I can’t believe anyone is defending ruining a childhood in this way is in any way acceptable. If you are unable to tolerate children, be it due to autism or other, then don’t become a father!

He's a materialistic twat. I hope nobody ever invites him to anything, but that they do invite you and the kids. I could not live with someone so anti-social and miserable and couldn't put my kids through a childhood where they can't have their friends over.

If they break something we can just replace it…

My husband doesn't really like kids in our house either. They come, they're noisy, they run around, occasionally they break things, and then they go home. He copes.

I don't really like cleaning the bathroom or unloading the dishwasher. I cope.

He’s completely unreasonable. How many precious breakable things do you have found the house, anyway? A few ming dynasty vases? Life is for living, not for possessions.

Totally agree!

I actually don't like having the kids' friends in the house because I'm a massive introvert who likes her own space.

But I have always ACTIVELY encouraged my kids to bring their school friends or neighbourhood friends over, and have sleepovers and parties etc. When the kids were younger, the house and garden were beehives of sometimes dozens of kids running around and screaming and falling ravenously on the watermelon, or icecream, or whatnot that I put out. We also had massive birthday parties, all organised by me and eagerly assisted by the kids and my H, and I would force myself to make friendly and welcoming conversation with the parents.

This is what you do for your kids: you put away your selfish inclinations and help them make friends and enjoy themselves etc.

OP, tell him to grow up. He's not the boss of the house, and if he doesn't want to help his kids build friendships and learn how to socialise, he shouldn't have had kids.

I agree with your DH in the sense that unfortunately you cannot nowadays always trust that children have been taught to behave respectfully in someone else’s home. Parents do not always correct their children or back up other parents either. It cultivates general disrespect. He has a right to feel comfortable in his own personal space.

I would start by inviting a sensible classmate round after school without their parents. Choosing who you invite, and how many, is key. I have always taught my children’s friends that no, we don’t wear shoes inside/jump on my sofa/throw things/be silly on the stairs/go into mine and my DH’s bedroom/keep getting up and down whilst we are eating dinner, etc. My 7 year old has a couple of very energetic friends who behave very well at ours, much better than my son sees them behaving in their own homes in fact, because I calmly but firmly taught them my expectations from visit 1.