I'm writing this here as I wouldn't ever say it out loud to anyone else and just need to get it out...
I just found out that one of my male friends is getting married. We have been friends for about 15 years and when we first met I was married but not long after I got divorced. We became closer after I separated from my ex husband and I developed feelings for him. He asked me out but I said no because I didn't feel like I was good enough for him. He is one of life's good guys and after my divorce I felt like broken goods and I thought he deserves better. I didn't tell him that this was why I said no, I just made up other excuses. Eventually I ended up with someone else who I had two beautiful children with but he doesnt always treat me very well. Over the years I have seen my friend go through relationships but they have always eventually ended, I have secretly held a candle for him. I have never said it out loud to anyone, have always been positive and supportive about his partners and relationships (except one who was physically abusive towards him and he thankfully eventually left). I just found out today that he is engaged and when I saw the message telling me I cried, although have obviously sent congratulations and told him how happy I am for him.
I am genuinely happy for him but also feel quietly heartbroken. It probably doesnt help that I am currently getting support from Women's Aid to leave my own relationship just now. His fiance is really lovely and they absolutely deserve one another. I just feel like I have made one bad decision after another when it comes to men and wish that I had the self-esteem to feel like I was worth being with someone kind and good.