Feeling upset at friend's wedding announcement

[Greentigershoo]

I'm writing this here as I wouldn't ever say it out loud to anyone else and just need to get it out...

I just found out that one of my male friends is getting married. We have been friends for about 15 years and when we first met I was married but not long after I got divorced. We became closer after I separated from my ex husband and I developed feelings for him. He asked me out but I said no because I didn't feel like I was good enough for him. He is one of life's good guys and after my divorce I felt like broken goods and I thought he deserves better. I didn't tell him that this was why I said no, I just made up other excuses. Eventually I ended up with someone else who I had two beautiful children with but he doesnt always treat me very well. Over the years I have seen my friend go through relationships but they have always eventually ended, I have secretly held a candle for him. I have never said it out loud to anyone, have always been positive and supportive about his partners and relationships (except one who was physically abusive towards him and he thankfully eventually left). I just found out today that he is engaged and when I saw the message telling me I cried, although have obviously sent congratulations and told him how happy I am for him.

I am genuinely happy for him but also feel quietly heartbroken. It probably doesnt help that I am currently getting support from Women's Aid to leave my own relationship just now. His fiance is really lovely and they absolutely deserve one another. I just feel like I have made one bad decision after another when it comes to men and wish that I had the self-esteem to feel like I was worth being with someone kind and good.

I think quietly ending this friendship would be a healthy thing for you to do.

This is so sad but you know what? Maybe he is really disappointing in bed and does rotten farts and you get the absolute best part of him by being good long term friends.

Please don’t blame yourself and your decisions for the shit men in your life. Xx

Stay away from this man. You have strong feelings. Just stay away. So you think you’ll be invited to the wedding? If so, politely decline

I think I will very likely be invited. The thing is that I am really happy for him and glad that he is marrying the person that he is. I wouldn't be watching them getting married wishing it was me. I think I'm more upset with myself that I have turned down good men who would have treated me well and ended up with someone who can be awful to me. I don't actually want to be with my friend.

I think it’s easy to idolise men you haven’t been in a relationship with, a missed opportunity feeling, but in all this time you haven’t gone for him, something stopping you. He’s been through a fair amount of relationships himself, you never know but he might not be the catch you think he is.

How often do you see him? Did you read this on SM or did he tell you personally?

Yes that’s what it is

You have had one hell of crappy relationship history and you are looking at him, a decent chap, and thinking… I wonder what life could have been like with him.

Fact is… by the sounds of it he’s been multiple relationships and I doubt the girlfriends of past are pining for him

Can you use this as a motivator to make positive changes in your life? Your feelings about yourself led you to turning down opportunities in life. You can turn that around now that you know that. Let the dissapointment and feelings of loss be your motivator to make your life better.

What a rotten way to think. You don’t make someone feel better by putting someone else down. He’s clearly a lovely person as op confirms so why the need to be so rotten?

Thank you. When I think more rationally I know that I don't want to be with my friend. He is a great guy and his fiance is very lucky to have him but there are lots of reasons why we wouldn't be right for each other. I posted almost immediately after finding out and I think it was just a knee jerk response that is probably more reflective of my current situation than anything else. I think what I am describing as feelings for him may just be holding him in very high regard and knowing that he would actually be a great partner for someone, and because I've been in some crappy situations I've been able to see how he has treated his partners versus how I've been treated and felt disappointed in myself that I thought I wasn't good enough for that.

The world is full of unrequited love.
Do your self respect a huge favour and back away from the friendship.
Enjoy learning to live alone.

Choose new friends with good attributes. Your soon to be married friend showed you what to look for.

Yes I think I can and need to. I'm definitely in a bit of a hole in my life right now and have completely lost myself. I know if I was happier in myself and my own life I likely wouldn't be thinking this way at all.

How did you find out?

Over text

And last time you saw him? Spent any real time with him?

@Greentigershoo You were "good enough" then and you still are now, to claim the future you deserve.
No, I don't mean irrationally chasing that particular man now. Even upset, you sound reasoned in your responses.

You've mentioned you're receiving assistance to get out of your current relationship. Please accept that help to get out safely.

I last saw him at the beginning of the year. We catch up via text every month or two and usually see each other 3-4 times a year although it used to be much more often.

The more I'm thinking about it all the more I'm realising that it's not really about him. We are part of a small friendship group of 4 who all share the same hobby, the other 2 are also men and I am good friends with them also. However they are more hot-headed (as is my partner who also shares this hobby, it's a very male-dominated sport and it's not uncommon) so at times I have seen them behave in ways that have made me feel sorry for their wives or partners or wondered what they must be like at home. This friend has never ever been like that and I think it's more a reflection of the kind of guy I want to be with rather than him being the particular guy I want to be with.

I can understand why you would feel like this, I think it’s a fairly normal response given the situation that you turned him down due to low self esteem and are currently leaving an abusive relationship. I would cool off this friendship and try to focus on the future. You are taking really positive steps currently.

I think jealousy can be a useful feeling - it shows us what we want and gives us a direction for the future if we look at it in a healthy way. In this case, you want to be with a kind and good man, you know that confidence is a barrier, and you also know you can control this situation in the future as you aware some of your past decisions haven’t brought you closer to being in the type of relationship you want.

I would acknowledge the sadness and don’t push it down - you are grieving the past and that needs to be processed. But then I would look at it like “I am working towards a future which includes a relationship like that”, rather than “I wish I could’ve had that”. A bit of time on your own and some therapy will do you the world of good

I feel like I have made one bad decision after another when it comes to men
You feel like that because it sounds like you have indeed made bad decisions when it comes to choosing men.

But it also sounds to me like you have self esteem issues that are so severe that when you do meet a good guy you sabotage yourself. As you say, you don't feel worthy of a good guy so you make yourself available to terrible men only. The ones you do feel worthy of. You have to find a way to work on yourself and break the pattern of choosing one bad man after another. You have kids now so you can't afford to subject them to your dubious choices.

As for your friend, I don't think you can say you're friends when there are feelings involved. Maybe it's time to distance yourself from this person.

I think that's exactly it. It's not really jealously but definitely sadness at not having a relationship with someone who would treat me the way I see him treat partners. When I said I held a candle to him, I think it was actually that I wanted someone that would treat me the way he seems to treat partners (obviously I don't know what goes on behind closed doors but I would be shocked if he was anything other than lovely). I've never thought or felt, 'that should or could have been me' when seeing him with another woman, more that I wish someone would treat me that way. I'm thinking back now and remembering times when he said or did things that at the time had made me think I was glad that we didn't pursue a relationship. They weren't things that showed him in a bad light, just more that we wouldn't be right for each other. But I think that when I really think about it, outside of family members (and weirdly for my dating history have lots of positive examples of men in relationships in my family), he is only one of 2 men that I know well who I think would actually be good partners consistently.

I definitely need to focus on myself and building myself back up again but I know I need out of my current relationship to do that. I was offered a refuge place this week but it is an hour and a half away and my children are starting back at school soon so it would be really disruptive for them so I am trying to find options closer to home to keep that stability for them. Once I am away I think I will be in a very different place and can start working on myself properly. I have no desire to enter another relationship for a very long time or even ever and not before I have done a lot of work on myself. My priority is to make sure that my children grow up in a stable and safe home and that they see the best possible version of me and relationships so that is the example for them.

How old is he out of interest? Any children?

I know exactly how you feel OP. When I was in my 20s a friend, let’s call him Ed, really liked me. He was a well brought up nice looking thoughtful guy. We snogged one evening and I wasn’t really into it, but he kept being lovely and inviting me to the theatre and out with his lovely bunch of friends etc. I kept turning him down.

Eventually he married a beautiful and calm and nice woman and had kids and obviously treats her well. When I was trying to leave my own abusive marriage I kept thinking of him, and another eligible suitor I’d turned down, and wishing I’d said yes. These weren’t my actual exes or old flames, but exactly like you, friendly guys who were into me. I think these squeaky clean nice boys are particularly compelling when you’re with a rotter. The normal, polite life you could have lived with a man who never shouts or drinks to excess, etc.

I don’t think of them now I’m years out. They’re still not my type and I’ve turned down another clean-boy friend since! They’re just comforting thoughts in a crisis, because they’re safe.

Yeah, I'm totally getting it now. My aunt is married to a horrible man, she has stayed with him but I can remember during the worst years she used to randomly talk about the lovely men who had once asked her out and she turned them down. She used to openly fantasise about how differently her life might have turned out had she said yes to one of those guys rather than end up married to the arsehole she did say yes to.

Yes but funnily enough he doesnt show that side of him while doing the activity we do, which the others do at times. I can even remember at the beginning when I first got with him, we were in a particularly stressful and difficult situation and he handled it so well and so calmly and I thought to myself it was such a good sign of how he handled stress. Turns out that he handles that kind of stress where our lives were literally at risk very differently to how he handles your typical day-to-day stress at home where he is definitely incredibly angry and hot-headed. I don't think that people often see how he treats me but yes, if I saw someone treating their wife the way he treats me at times I would definitely feel sorry for the woman and hope she had the strength to know she deserved better.