@ZombieScientistI’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I really bloody hate it when men are so passive about their own lives or making their own decisions! Yes, I’ve had that before and it drove me mad. Never saying “oh, I need to get home now” if we were somewhere, or not eating and then getting irritated because of it, instead of just being an adult and doing or saying something! That may not be helpful to you, I know, but - unfortunately for you, in this case - they don’t seem to want to change, and it’s just tiring and wearing. He’s an adult, he has words. Nobody made him do anything, he didn’t need to come out, or drink more than he thought would be good for him, or not get something to eat/go home when he had enough…etc, blah, and repeat.
I know you say that whoever isn’t at work makes sure the other one is alright, but tbh it sounds more like you’re the only one doing this. For whatever reasons, repeatedly telling them they don’t have to go to x,y, or z, or do this, that the other, and if they do then to speak up or do something about it! He knew he had work, he knew he’d not sleep, he was being a martyr (at the very least!) about making a point about not being able to eat before he went to bed, meaning that hunger was only going to keep him awake even more. He then did the same for breakfast the next day. As a side note, if he’s constantly making a big fuss of it all night, and tossing and turning and keeping you awake, I’d tell him if he doesn’t stop then he goes and sleeps everywhere because you shouldn’t be kept awake (and it sounds like you were, to be aware of his tossing and turning), and making sure you know all about his discomfort and bad night’s sleep. He wants you to think “oh, poor thing, I’ll try again (and again…) to feed him”. He went along with his ex’s behaviour, because he didn’t want to be responsible for himself. Her being an alcoholic seems like a red herring to me. The common denominator in these two relationships is him. He hasn’t changed his behaviour, bluntly he hasn’t wanted to grow up and take responsibility for his own life. I’m sorry, op, but it’s likely this will not change. You can stop babying/mothering him and enabling this behaviour, but it likely still won’t be enough for him to change. You’ll find the PA behaviour will just increase, with him still not stepping up. You tell him, if you choose to do (whatever) then that’s on you if you don’t say no, or make sure you don’t feed yourself if you’re hungry, then tough luck. I’d be telling him to use his words, and if he doesn’t, (and he won’t, and [when] you find yourself in another situation when it happens again) he will just do it again.
I suggest next time you arrange anything like this, you go alone and you enjoy yourself. Who cares if you stayed out till closing? People do that all the time! You were on AL, having a lovely catch up with your friend and instead of being happy for you - which is what my partner would do, even if he’s staying with me he’d still be more than happy for me to see a friend I’ve not seen in ages, and is either invited or not, and can choose to come, or come for a while and then go and do his own thing, as actually happened recently. I’d not seen a friend in literal years (for many, various, totally legit reasons from both sides) but they came a long way to see me, even tho I’d not been well and they knew I might not be able to stay for ages, unfortunately. I actually managed a bit longer than even I expected I would and was really pleased. And Even tho my partner had to drop me off there, stayed to say hello, etc but was happy to let me get on with it and then to come later to get me and then we all spent some time together before my friend had to leave. And during that time was completely able to make his own food, and was just really pleased for me that I’d managed to even make it, let alone for longer than I thought. And that’s how partners should be. Note the word “partner” as well = equal.
I genuinely think that this is not going to be the last time something like this happens. And yes, it is passive aggressive to behave the way he did, especially this morning, with all the complaining and refusing to eat breakfast. He wanted you to feel sorry for his “woe is me” act. I have been in exactly that kind of thing before so know exactly how they behave. Honestly, tell him to pull his big boy pants up and get over it, and that next time he just won’t be invited anywhere. Tell him if he doesn’t eat, that’s on him, and you don’t want to hear anything about it. He made his bed. He consciously chose to behave like this.
Being generous, if you still think you’re responsible for him eating, sleeping and getting to work, this does not mean you are responsible for his choices or trying to fix it when he chooses something that he probably shouldn’t have. You can’t be responsible for his choices or consequences. You tell him it was his choice to go out, drink more than he “should” and to not eat anything, at any point of the evening, or the next morning. Tell him that’s what he gets if he chooses to behave like a child rather than an adult man. You either sort this out by stopping all this stuff about being responsible for him and tell him to suck it up, every time he tries to do it again. And it will happen again. Your other choice is to stay with him as he is and feel the literal life being sucked out of you, as you end up doing less and less of the things you want to do and then eventually stop because you just can’t be bothered to cope with his behaviour.
Personally, I wouldn’t (and didn’t) enable it, when it was recognised that it was a pattern, and told them if they did do something then if he wasn’t able to make his own decisions and carried on in the same way, after being told, then I’d have to end it. So tell him straight out that you won’t put up with that kind of behaviour and you’re not responsible for making sure he’s all fed and cosily tucked into bed by 9pm on a work night, and if he chooses otherwise you don’t want to hear a single word about it, or take any notice of all the martyring huffs and puffs and everything else that happens.
Gently, the fact he’s repeating behaviour that he did with his ex, means that this is him. The only thing you did wrong is try and pander to him and consequently feel bad about it. That’s how he wants you to feel, and he will do it again. You can stop it. By telling him to pack it in/ignore him completely when he does it, and the if he doesn’t you then finish it. Because it will have an effect on you and your own life. So this is the choice that you make.
BTW, you are not in the wrong for what happened last night. At all. You are only in the wrong that you tried to pander to him and appease him. And you would be in the wrong if you “let” it happen again. This is YOUR choice, from this point forwards. I do hope you read this thread with an open mind, if you want to change things.