Who is in the wrong?

[ZombieScientist]

My partner left his ex for many reasons, but one of the regular points of arguments were that she (unemployed) would drag him out to pubs on a weekday (often meeting friends), stay up drinking until kick-out time, they'd have no food as she'd be too tired to cook when they got home and he'd still be expected to go to work the following day, feeling like rubbish because he hadn't eaten and been drinking too much. The whole relationship was tainted because of her relationship with alcohol (alcoholic), and he often went along with it from what he says.

Forward to present-day. I work term-time only and am currently on leave. Partner is not. Due to the way term-time work happens, naturally, all leave for term-time only workers happens at the same time, which means fixed holidays away and limited time to meet people.

My friend and I hadn't seen each other in around half a year due to this and finally managed to get together last night (a Monday). We picked a reasonable time in the evening and normally, we chat for about 2 hours and then it's home-time. My partner had an open invitation to come along; it was assumed that he did and he seemed keen on meeting my friend again.

Due to a packed day, we ended up not eating before we headed out. No issue, I'd cook/ reheat batch-cooked food when we got home. We'd also had a substantial lunch, so neither of us were hungry. Only this time, conversation flowed extra well and we stayed until last orders were called. To be honest, I didn't have my watch on me, didn't look at my phone and time just ran away. We were all having a good time. Friend and I had 2 drinks each, partner had 3. We didn't get home until gone half eleven.

At that point, partner said he was too tired to eat and he just wanted to go to bed. I offered to make food/ reheat something/ just prepare something cold several times and he refused each time, saying he couldn't go straight to sleep after. But he spent most of the night tossing and turning anyway, complaining he was dizzy/ too hot. He was pissy this morning, clearly tired from a night of no sleep and feeling rubbish, which I put down to a combination of a late night out, no food, and little sleep.

I feel guilty and need some perspective. I didn't make him come out. He didn't once mention we should go home because it was getting late. He had more drinks than any of us. I paid for the taxi home and offered to make food and he refused. I made him coffee and food this morning as he was just going to set off without, complaining how ill he felt. And yet I just did exactly what his ex had been doing frequently. I kept him out all night, we stayed until closing time, I knew he had work in the morning and a long day at work ahead. I know how much he hates not eating before drinks, or at all after, and that he is still partially recovering from flashbacks of his previous relationship. I did apologise and think I've done what I could to lessen the impact.

I'm meandering between thinking he could have done the adult thing and stay home/ keep track of time and his drinking and thinking I should have taken responsibility in meeting my friend for a shorter time and ensured my partner was prepared for work. He has a difficult job. I know if the tables were turned I would not have come out as I couldn’t function in work that way, either. I know he is probably just pissy because he is tired and likely hungover. I may be overreacting because I've come into this relationship recovering from an abusive marriage.

Who is in the wrong here?

Are you seriously telling us that after all these years, your partner has still not learned how to cook himself a meal or to say 'no' to the pub?

I don't think anyone is at fault, he probably had flashbacks to how it was when he was with his ex and that's his problem to deal with, it sounds like it was a one off without excessive drinking so was very different to what he'd experienced in the past, he needs to just crack on and put the past behind him.

From your point of view you shouldn't have to justify why you went out, how much you drank, who paid, why you didn't eat, why he didn't eat, you're an adult you can do whatever you like, if he has a problem with it then he needs to grow up a bit.

Like you said he is probably just grumpy because he's hungry and tired so i wouldn't overthink it. Not an excuse for taking it out on you though so maybe just have a word about how that made you feel.

How ON EARTH can you possibly be attracted to someone so pathetic?

I’ve only read your opening post so far, I’ll read on down before I say anything else in case you detail further that he has no arms and that is why he is incapable of cooking for himself. And no brain so that he is incapable of making his own decisions.

He really has you well-trained doesn’t he? Going on about all the apparent ills of his ex to ensure you behave in a way that is palatable for him, making your night out about him, and then spending the night moaning.

So you have spent the entire time trying to fulfil his needs, justify yours to yourself, feeling guilty and wanting to ensure he doesn’t think you’re like his “bitch” of an ex. The fact that you ran around after the poor diddums to try and feed him just in case he perished in the night should be enough to make you take a step back and consider why you are choosing to behave like this.

You are in the wrong for even giving this useless man child a moment of your time and even an ounce of your attention.

Wow, how awful it must be for him to have such little agency in his life he can't even decide to eat when he's hungry or go home when he's had enough 🙄🙄

So you both need help functioning like normal people if you work that day? That’s unusual to say the least. I’d say my DCs have been able to get food for themselves, even with a day packed with things, since they were about 4 years old. Maybe earlier.

Goodness, I’ve never dated someone with no will of their own. It sounds tough! Hugs, OP.

I don't think anyone's done anything wrong here? You went to the pub and had a nice time, didn't eat enough and he maybe had one too many drinks.

If he was complaining about it, then I'd say it's his own bloody stupid fault. But as far as I can tell he hasn't, and you're just spiralling over a non existent problem?

And I find this very odd

"we have an arrangement where the partner who is not working is carrying more of the responsibility for ensuring the other person gets through the day"

His responsibility to ensure he gets through the day is his, your responsibility to get through the day is your own. If you need help with something, by all means ask for it, but "remembering to eat" is not someone else's problem. This sounds very enmeshed and co-dependent to be honest.

I'm guessing there must be a special muscle in the vagina that can be used to drag an unwilling male to the pub. Most women never find out about it because most men will go to the pub with no compulsion whatsoever.

“Gets through the day”? Are you at war? Why would a normal person working a standard job need help getting through the day? And how did he manage before you?

I will never understand why women do this to themselves.

His ex made him drink too much and not eat?! Op come on!!! And plenty of us work and still manage to eat. Honestly he needs to learn to cook for himself and cop on, yes if you’re at home you can cook but if you don’t cook it shouldn’t mean he doesn’t eat?

He is responsible for his own actions. He blamed his gf before and now he is blaming you. He could have eaten before he went out, he could have eaten at the pub, he could have stayed home/left early. He had so many options.

I wouldn't want to eat after getting home from the pub, so would have made sure that I ate before going out.

His choices.

Next time, go out with your friend on your own, he does not need to go with you.

I’ve read to the bottom now.

ro start at the top unpicking.

your first paragraph detailing his previous relationship as if he were a victim is utterly pathetic. I think if I were dating someone, and they told me that story as if they were hard done by, I would find them so completely pathetic and weak, that I would end the relationship there and then. Why on earth couldn’t he say ‘no thanks, I fancy an early night’ and then go home and cook for himself?!?
he has managed to make two women believe it’s their role somehow to cook for him, and if they don’t, they need to beg his forgiveness. Given that he told this tale of woe, he also seems to think it’s their role.

it’s absolutely insane.

I'm not suggesting you should for a minute, but I imagine a chat with the ex would be very enlightening.

The man child of course!

Why didn't both of you buy food while drinking? Did the bar not offer toasted sandwiches etc.?
Ask DH to take charge of himself and order a taxi next tiime.

Op, gently, if you were in an abusive relationship before, I expect your radar is totally off for how a normal healthy relationship should be. You are writing as if he’s great presumably because he doesn’t abuse you? Because as you can tell from the responses, everyone reading this thinks he’s ridiculous

If you were meeting your friend why did you take him with you........

You are not his mother!

You both need to get a grip, imho.

First of all, blaming his ex partner for him not being able to moderate his drinking and getting himself food when he's hungry is frankly ridiculous 🙄 he's a grown man and responsible for his own actions.

Secondly, you feeling guilty because he chose to drink too much and not eat is also absolutely insane. You're not his mother. He's not a child. Whatever weird dynamic you have going on in this relationship, where you feel somehow responsible for another adult's choices, is just plain silly.

You should have binned him off the minute he snivelled that his ex wouldn’t cook for him. He sounds pathetic and manipulative.

Why did you invite him to tag along with your friend?

Absolutely this! The ex "dragged him" to the pub dis she? What, by the hair? Then tipped back his head and forced alcohol down his throat?

This guy has spun you a regular yarn (quite likely spun it to himself as well)

Yes obviously if his ex had a drink problem it makes sense he split with her. And yes maybe some more complex emotional blackmail/ abuse may have been involved, and it's good he escaped.

But he hasn't fully got away yet, if he is blaming you (or you are blaming yourself) for his failure to look after himself like every adult should last night

You need to tell yourself that you are not responsible for your partner’s food intake. If you cook a meal, all well and good but if not, surely he can cook a meal himself or get something from the fridge. Please do not let yourself fall into a trap where you are responsible for grocery shopping, preparing meals and tidying up afterwards.

How did you not run a mile when this ‘man’ said a reason he and his ex-split was because she was out having fun rather than cook meals for him.

It’s worryingly impressive how he has managed to manipulate at least two women into thinking they are wholly responsible for managing his eating, sleeping and mood schedule.

He's ridiculous.

"Dragged to the pub every night". Erm, no one forced him. He could stay home or leave when he wanted.
Had no dinner because "she was too tired to cook". He was perfectly capable of feeding himself. (Her alcoholism is a separate issue and I agree a good reason for ending the relationship.) I work full time and have to get up early. I can cook dinner as well, it's not hard.

Now he's blaming you because he's tired and groggy and had no dinner. What a load of rubbish, he can take responsibility. He could have suggested going home, getting food in the pub, doing his own thing. Instead he was entirely passive and is now sulking and blaming you. Ugh.