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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partners behaviour

37 replies

BumpVee · 10/08/2026 21:25

Ive been with my partner for 8 years and we have a nearly 4 year old. He has always been a loner type person and doesn’t have any friends that he keeps in contact with but I feel like he just has a hatred towards EVERYONE. He always finds something negative to say about them including his own family but more recently he has been sharing his political views and views on trans people ect with me and the way he speaks is with such hatred, that it’s actually severely turned me off him. I don’t even want him to touch me cause he makes me cringe. I know people have all kinds of opinions and that’s fine but I’m not bothered by anyone who doesn’t bother me and he gets annoyed because I don’t agree with him and says I’m brainwashed. He wasn’t always this way but I feel like he has got significantly worse over the past year or so. Is anyone else’s partner like this or do you know anyone like this because I’m find it very difficult to deal with and would appreciate some advice

OP posts:
TrunkElliot · 10/08/2026 21:25

Leave.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/08/2026 21:28

I would firm up plans to leave. Do not be dragged down with him . He would further be a poor influence to his nearly 4 year old child too.

moderate · 10/08/2026 21:28

BumpVee · 10/08/2026 21:25

Ive been with my partner for 8 years and we have a nearly 4 year old. He has always been a loner type person and doesn’t have any friends that he keeps in contact with but I feel like he just has a hatred towards EVERYONE. He always finds something negative to say about them including his own family but more recently he has been sharing his political views and views on trans people ect with me and the way he speaks is with such hatred, that it’s actually severely turned me off him. I don’t even want him to touch me cause he makes me cringe. I know people have all kinds of opinions and that’s fine but I’m not bothered by anyone who doesn’t bother me and he gets annoyed because I don’t agree with him and says I’m brainwashed. He wasn’t always this way but I feel like he has got significantly worse over the past year or so. Is anyone else’s partner like this or do you know anyone like this because I’m find it very difficult to deal with and would appreciate some advice

The best time to leave him was before you had kids.
The second best time is now.

Original poster
BumpVee · 10/08/2026 22:14

moderate · 10/08/2026 21:28

The best time to leave him was before you had kids.
The second best time is now.

Show quote history

I know but he wasn’t like this before we had our daughter. It’s only recently I feel like I’ve saw his true colours! Either way, your probably right

OP posts:
Original poster
BumpVee · 10/08/2026 22:16

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/08/2026 21:28

I would firm up plans to leave. Do not be dragged down with him . He would further be a poor influence to his nearly 4 year old child too.

I would never be dragged down with him because I do not agree with his views at all but yes you’re right about my daughter and I’ve told him this but I would not allow my daughter to speak the way he does but I’m not his mum lol

OP posts:
Cookiebaker67 · 10/08/2026 22:18

Oh god, I could have written this myself 😂. My husband is very much like this, although thankfully we’ve been married for 37 years and our children are all grown up.
He’s always been a bit of a grumpy old man that part isn’t exactly new but over the past year or so he seems to have gone up several levels. He’s started watching various YouTubers who are constantly talking about conspiracy theories, politics, illegal immigration, etc., and he’s become increasingly anti-LGBTQ+ too.
It’s not even that we have different political opinions. We’ve always been able to disagree about things. It’s the sheer negativity and hatred in the way he talks about certain people that I find really difficult. He seems to have developed an opinion on absolutely everyone, and somehow it’s nearly always a bad one!
I’ve found myself thinking, “Who is this miserable old git and where did my husband go?” 😂
And I completely understand what you mean about being turned off by it. When someone you’ve been with for years starts expressing views that you find genuinely unpleasant, it can change how you see them. It’s hard to feel affectionate towards someone when you’re sitting there thinking, “I really don’t like the way you’re talking about people.”
What worries me is that it really does seem to have got significantly worse over the last year or so. I don’t know whether it’s the constant consumption of that sort of YouTube content, getting older, or a combination of things, but it certainly seems to be changing him.
I don’t have any great advice because I’m still trying to work out how to deal with it myself, but you’re definitely not alone. And honestly, reading your post made me feel slightly better knowing I’m not the only one wondering how my previously tolerable grumpy old man somehow managed to unlock the advanced grumpy old man setting. 😂

Vulpini · 10/08/2026 22:22

BumpVee · 10/08/2026 22:16

I would never be dragged down with him because I do not agree with his views at all but yes you’re right about my daughter and I’ve told him this but I would not allow my daughter to speak the way he does but I’m not his mum lol

Show quote history

It’s not just about not letting her speak how he does. If she grows up in a household with him, his views will rub off on her to an extent, and even if you try to mitigate this by telling her your opposing views, it likely won’t negate his influence completely and she could get
confused. It could also cause her other issues, eg. imagine she has a friend round and he says something that the friend repeats to their parents and those parents no longer want their child to be for ends with your daughter?

Original poster
BumpVee · 10/08/2026 23:15

Cookiebaker67 · 10/08/2026 22:18

Oh god, I could have written this myself 😂. My husband is very much like this, although thankfully we’ve been married for 37 years and our children are all grown up.
He’s always been a bit of a grumpy old man that part isn’t exactly new but over the past year or so he seems to have gone up several levels. He’s started watching various YouTubers who are constantly talking about conspiracy theories, politics, illegal immigration, etc., and he’s become increasingly anti-LGBTQ+ too.
It’s not even that we have different political opinions. We’ve always been able to disagree about things. It’s the sheer negativity and hatred in the way he talks about certain people that I find really difficult. He seems to have developed an opinion on absolutely everyone, and somehow it’s nearly always a bad one!
I’ve found myself thinking, “Who is this miserable old git and where did my husband go?” 😂
And I completely understand what you mean about being turned off by it. When someone you’ve been with for years starts expressing views that you find genuinely unpleasant, it can change how you see them. It’s hard to feel affectionate towards someone when you’re sitting there thinking, “I really don’t like the way you’re talking about people.”
What worries me is that it really does seem to have got significantly worse over the last year or so. I don’t know whether it’s the constant consumption of that sort of YouTube content, getting older, or a combination of things, but it certainly seems to be changing him.
I don’t have any great advice because I’m still trying to work out how to deal with it myself, but you’re definitely not alone. And honestly, reading your post made me feel slightly better knowing I’m not the only one wondering how my previously tolerable grumpy old man somehow managed to unlock the advanced grumpy old man setting. 😂

Omg how have you dealt with this for 37 years?! I can’t cope now😂 I’m 30 and my partner is 36 and I feel like I’m in a relationship with a 70 year old man sometimes the way he moans about things. Yes my partner has views on all of those same things, it’s like an obsession. He watches too many Instagram videos! I definately think it’s the content that they’re consuming online that’s contributing to it

OP posts:
Original poster
BumpVee · 10/08/2026 23:19

Vulpini · 10/08/2026 22:22

It’s not just about not letting her speak how he does. If she grows up in a household with him, his views will rub off on her to an extent, and even if you try to mitigate this by telling her your opposing views, it likely won’t negate his influence completely and she could get
confused. It could also cause her other issues, eg. imagine she has a friend round and he says something that the friend repeats to their parents and those parents no longer want their child to be for ends with your daughter?

Show quote history

I think about this all the time. I’m constantly on edge thinking he’s going to say something offensive in front of the wrong people it’s like he has no filter especially if he’s had a drink. Just thinking about it makes me cringe

OP posts:
Cookiebaker67 · 10/08/2026 23:21

BumpVee · 10/08/2026 23:15

Omg how have you dealt with this for 37 years?! I can’t cope now😂 I’m 30 and my partner is 36 and I feel like I’m in a relationship with a 70 year old man sometimes the way he moans about things. Yes my partner has views on all of those same things, it’s like an obsession. He watches too many Instagram videos! I definately think it’s the content that they’re consuming online that’s contributing to it

Show quote history

Honestly, I sometimes wonder myself! To be fair, he wasn’t always like this. He’s always been a bit of a moaner and a grumpy old man at heart, but the constant negativity and obsession with politics/conspiracy stuff is definitely much more recent.
I’m really starting to think the online content plays a huge part in it. You watch one video, then the algorithm gives you another one that’s slightly more extreme, then another… and before you know it, they’re convinced everyone is an idiot and the world is going to hell 😂.
And the funny thing is, my husband is actually 59, so he really is giving me “70-year-old man shouting at the television” vibes sometimes!
I do think there’s something about constantly consuming that sort of content that can make people increasingly angry and suspicious of everything. It’s not even the fact that he has different opinions from me; it’s the obsession and the amount of hatred and negativity that comes with it that I find difficult.
So I completely understand why you’re struggling with it at 30. If you find the secret to switching off the “grumpy old man” setting, please let me know because after 37 years I’m still waiting for the software update! 😂

pimplebum · 10/08/2026 23:22

BumpVee · 10/08/2026 23:15

Omg how have you dealt with this for 37 years?! I can’t cope now😂 I’m 30 and my partner is 36 and I feel like I’m in a relationship with a 70 year old man sometimes the way he moans about things. Yes my partner has views on all of those same things, it’s like an obsession. He watches too many Instagram videos! I definately think it’s the content that they’re consuming online that’s contributing to it

Show quote history

He sounds mentally unwell

this can drag you down

no fun

BibbityBoppityTwo · 10/08/2026 23:26

I have a male friend who has become like this. Spends all his time trying to get people to engage in conversations about how shit everyone else is. He seems to have reached an age where he feels his relevance and power in the world has reduced and he blames everyone else for it. It’s insufferable really. I couldn’t live with a partner like this. No matter what your political views are, endless negativity and hatred are not what you want to live with.

Properjob · 10/08/2026 23:28

This is interesting because the same has happened to my son. I'm so shocked by what he says now. Agree its the algorithms (funded by extreme right wing Christians from the US,in part). We have to het a grip on social media.
I dont even want to see him much now tbh 😔

category12 · 10/08/2026 23:32

You're 30.

Soooo - looking forward to the next 40 - 50 yrs with a grumpy bigot?

I mean, we're not promised tomorrow, but for goodness sake. You can do better.

Original poster
BumpVee · 11/08/2026 00:26

BibbityBoppityTwo · 10/08/2026 23:26

I have a male friend who has become like this. Spends all his time trying to get people to engage in conversations about how shit everyone else is. He seems to have reached an age where he feels his relevance and power in the world has reduced and he blames everyone else for it. It’s insufferable really. I couldn’t live with a partner like this. No matter what your political views are, endless negativity and hatred are not what you want to live with.

Insufferable is the perfect word for it!

OP posts:
Original poster
BumpVee · 11/08/2026 00:28

Cookiebaker67 · 10/08/2026 23:21

Honestly, I sometimes wonder myself! To be fair, he wasn’t always like this. He’s always been a bit of a moaner and a grumpy old man at heart, but the constant negativity and obsession with politics/conspiracy stuff is definitely much more recent.
I’m really starting to think the online content plays a huge part in it. You watch one video, then the algorithm gives you another one that’s slightly more extreme, then another… and before you know it, they’re convinced everyone is an idiot and the world is going to hell 😂.
And the funny thing is, my husband is actually 59, so he really is giving me “70-year-old man shouting at the television” vibes sometimes!
I do think there’s something about constantly consuming that sort of content that can make people increasingly angry and suspicious of everything. It’s not even the fact that he has different opinions from me; it’s the obsession and the amount of hatred and negativity that comes with it that I find difficult.
So I completely understand why you’re struggling with it at 30. If you find the secret to switching off the “grumpy old man” setting, please let me know because after 37 years I’m still waiting for the software update! 😂

Show quote history

I love your humour towards it😂 if we don’t laugh we’ll cry! At least we’re not alone in it

OP posts:
Original poster
BumpVee · 11/08/2026 00:29

category12 · 10/08/2026 23:32

You're 30.

Soooo - looking forward to the next 40 - 50 yrs with a grumpy bigot?

I mean, we're not promised tomorrow, but for goodness sake. You can do better.

No I’m not looking forward to it at all!! Hoping he’ll change but I might aswell hope I’ll win the lottery too

OP posts:
Original poster
BumpVee · 11/08/2026 00:30

Properjob · 10/08/2026 23:28

This is interesting because the same has happened to my son. I'm so shocked by what he says now. Agree its the algorithms (funded by extreme right wing Christians from the US,in part). We have to het a grip on social media.
I dont even want to see him much now tbh 😔

It’s weird because it always seems to be men who have these views! I don’t know a single woman who has such strong views on these topics! But yes it’s definately what they’re seeing online. Woman don’t have the time!!

OP posts:
Original poster
BumpVee · 11/08/2026 00:31

BibbityBoppityTwo · 10/08/2026 23:26

I have a male friend who has become like this. Spends all his time trying to get people to engage in conversations about how shit everyone else is. He seems to have reached an age where he feels his relevance and power in the world has reduced and he blames everyone else for it. It’s insufferable really. I couldn’t live with a partner like this. No matter what your political views are, endless negativity and hatred are not what you want to live with.

No I certainly don’t want to live with it. It affects my mood I don’t want to be around anyone so hateful!

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 11/08/2026 01:01

My first husband was like this. He eventually went psychotic and had to be sectioned.
It started off with hate and ranting and went on to the government was spying on him and I was a goverment agent planted in his house. Very scary.

Carlou · 12/08/2026 19:10

this could have been me speaking here... still dealing with this myself. No answer to OP question as I'm still trying to work out how to deal with this. Grey rock most of the time as challenging him seems to set him off. Best of luck OP. And if you find how to deal with it let ius who still in the trenches know!

Catapultaway · 12/08/2026 19:18

BumpVee · 11/08/2026 00:30

It’s weird because it always seems to be men who have these views! I don’t know a single woman who has such strong views on these topics! But yes it’s definately what they’re seeing online. Woman don’t have the time!!

Show quote history

You dont know women with strong views on these subjects. And women dont have the time?... are you new to mumsnet 😂

Mimilamore · 12/08/2026 19:56

I have to grey rock a lot of the time with my husband and my friend of 40 years is also becoming the same. Too much YouTube consumption for both of them…

Itsa10fromLen · 12/08/2026 19:58

I grey rock too. I suspect mine is a covert narcissist.

Original poster
BumpVee · 12/08/2026 21:33

Catapultaway · 12/08/2026 19:18

You dont know women with strong views on these subjects. And women dont have the time?... are you new to mumsnet 😂

Show quote history

Haha I very rarely use it to be honest

OP posts: