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Original poster

Am I expecting too much from my husband during our house move?

47 replies

HouseSaleArguments · 10/08/2026 08:12

Just looking for some perspective here. We are getting our house ready for sale. We are downsizing largely as our son has now left home and it is just the two of us. We both love this house but it's old and needs quite a lot of housework and maintenance. Yes, I know our diamond shoes are too tight, especially with the way things are for many people right now.

I do all of the above e.g. my husband never cuts the grass, changes the sheets etc. and I hope that if we move somewhere newer and smaller that I won’t have to spend so much of my down time doing household chores and DIY. We will also be able to get a cleaner, which we haven't managed for years as our current house is pretty remote.

I have to admit that leading up to this decision, I got very mad at him about the whole thing and said that if he didn’t pull his weight during this process, I was minded to consider going our separate ways afterwards. He got very mad back (which is unusual) and said I always exaggerate how much he does/doesn't do.

There is a lot to do to get the house ready for listing, mainly basic things like replacing blown windows, touching up paintwork, decluttering etc. We have agreed that I will do all the practical stuff that we can’t get anyone in for, and my husband will organise any external people like the window company, tree surgeon etc.

There are two issues. First, it isn’t really a division of work. My husband has done a great job at tracking people down but obviously tradespeople will come whenever they are able to fit us in. As my husband is often at work when this happens, it is usually me who is having to manage the visits for quoting and doing the job. Second, now that we are actually doing this in practice, the whole thing feels unfair to me. I spent the weekend decluttering, deep cleaning etc. I asked my husband last night if he wouldn’t mind pushing the hoover round and putting the laundry away so I could finish earlier. I was polite about it yet he snapped at me that he would do it when his match finished.

Obviously this is my version, and his would likely (and tbf accurately) mention that I am a perfectionist with a tendency to expect everyone to think and behave like I do. He also earns a lot more than me in a high-pressure job and is generous and caring person in every other way. He just seems to have a blind spot when it comes to domestic things. So that is my question I suppose. Is he right and I should just chill out? Or am I right in thinking these things need to be done and he should do his fair share? Or perhaps a bit of both?

As above, this is not just a house move issue and I am seriously thinking about divorce as a result. So I would really welcome some outside perspective here as this has been going on for 20+years and we are both tired of the same old argument! Namechanged in case this wasn't obvious!

OP posts:
CrotchetyQuaver · 10/08/2026 08:41

I was widowed unexpectedly last year and honestly it's been eye opening. All jobs are now my jobs and I've made soooo much progress in recent months now I'm coming out the other side.

That is in spite of a series of health problems I've had this year probably connected to grief which have really reduced what I've been able to get done. No, it doesn't sound like he's doing his true share. It's easy to sit on your arse googling tree surgeons, not so easy decluttering and decorating let alone having tradesmen come in and interrupt your flow. This was a constant issue when mine was alive and long before he got ill, I was left doing everything and felt resentful. Once diagnosed, there was no question, I didn't want him dropping dead carrying a basket of washing down to the line (he was very very breathless). There was a lot of nagging which achieved little, he couldn't seem to see/care I was doing more.

obviously the dry weather this summer has helped because there's not much need to cut the grass but I really feel my workload has reduced and I'm achieving far more around our dilapidated cluttered house and scruffy garden without him.

I presume you're keeping a tally of how much he does vs how much you do? Are you working as well?

arethereanyleftatall · 10/08/2026 08:51

I think you need the make your mind up before you buy a new house together as that would be a waste of tens of thousands.

this is likely your last house move? Do you want to be in this relationship till you die?

do you work full time? If you do and do all this on top, yes, I would divorce. I personally love being single and can no longer see the appeal of not having my own blissfully peaceful house.

but if you work part time, or can afford to work less as he is happy to sub this due to the fact that you do more housework stuff, and you like being with him otherwise, it might be worth doing that?

tarheelbaby · 10/08/2026 08:59

I hear you.

It can be hard, when the DH works long hours and earns well, to work out a fair balance of household duties. I was fortunate that my DH was a tinkerer and liked little DIY jobs but did not follow sport.

Short-term, I think you should focus on your impending move and all the headaches which come with it. If you are around to meet the trades, you'll just have to grit your teeth and do it.

Also, I think you should tactfully point out to him that because you are spending extra time managing the trades he's contacted, that decreases your time for other tasks and that he will need to help in ways he didn't expect. If you want, log the time you spend meeting/facilitating the trades so that you can show him some data.

Early notice helps: if you can see that you'll need him to do some 'extra' jobs b/c you're doing extra jobs (like decluttering), asking him earlier gives him time to plan. No one likes being asked suddenly to jump up an do a chore when they are relaxing. It was rude of him to snap at you but, did he actually do what you asked eventually? If so, I think that is a win for you.

mondaytosunday · 10/08/2026 09:21

Do you work? I don’t see you mentioning that. And who tells someone to do something during a footie match?
You agreed a division of labour which was unfair from the start - I would have written all the jobs down together and got a more equal split. And when you do move get a packing service!
But you say this isn’t isolated, but if you’ve been handling most things for years til now it’s kinda set in stone. My mother expected my dad to suddenly become more domestic when he retired, and took their best friends as an example. But my dad retired at 72 and had not done much more domestic than boil an egg in his life. Their friends had retired at 55 and the husband was into DIY. I told her he was hardly going to change now!
Before you make this move consider what your life might look like with and without him.

ssbray · 10/08/2026 09:32

Twenty years of the same row usually means the row can't be won, OP. And this one can't. You think he doesn't do enough, he thinks you exaggerate, there's no scoreboard either of you agrees on, so round you go again.

The bit that stood out to me was this. You told him you might leave over it, he got angrier than he's been in years, and then the two of you sat down and agreed who was ringing the tree surgeon. That's an awful lot to leave lying about. No wonder the arrangement feels unfair now. It was never really a windows problem.

Also, and you might not like this one, you're moving somewhere smaller partly so there's less housework and you can afford a cleaner. You're buying a house to fix a thing with your husband. It might work! Loads of people outsource their way to a quieter life and are perfectly happy. But if the real problem is that you're the only one who ever notices anything needs doing, you'll be the only one who notices in the new house too.

I don't think you're a perfectionist either, for what it's worth. You'd spent the weekend cleaning and you asked him to hoover and put a wash away. That's just a normal thing to ask someone. But you've been told you're a perfectionist for so long that you now do it to yourself before anyone else gets the chance, and it means you never get to say the plain version of what's actually bothering you.

The plain version, I think, is that you're the only one who notices. Not the only one who does things. The only one who notices they need doing. That's a different complaint and he can't really argue with it, because it's about how you feel rather than about how much he does.

If it were me I'd wait until the move's over and say something like:

"I want to go back to something. I told you I might leave over this, and you were angrier than I've seen you in years, and then we just made a list of jobs and carried on. I don't want to do that again.

I'm not trying to prove you don't do enough. You work harder than me, you earn more, I don't want a tally. It's smaller than that and harder to say. I'm the only one in this house who notices. Not who does it. Who notices it. I'm tired in a way a cleaner won't fix and I think that's half of why I've been so keen to move.
I don't need to be told I'm right. I just want to know if you'd take a couple of things over properly, remembering them included. Or if this is how we are and I need to get used to it."

Asking him to help more keeps you in charge of everything and him doing jobs when told, which is your actual complaint. Giving him something to own outright is a different ask, and it's one he can get right.

I'd also go back to the divorce thing and either take it back or mean it. At the minute he's doing this entire move with that hanging over him, so you've got no way of knowing if he's helping because he wants to or because you frightened him.

Bit of both, in answer to your question.

WinterBlues26 · 10/08/2026 09:55

How much free time do you have compared to him? If he watches sport do you have the equivalent time to sit on your backside doing nothing/hobby?

If you have been asking him to step up for years, then he won't ever step up. You know that. Base your move upon what is happening now and not on what you hope. Personally I would LTB based on the past/present as the future is guaranteed to be more of the same. You've married a lazy, selfish arse who got angry when he thought his personal cleaner/assistant was getting ideas above her station.

backformoreofthesame · 10/08/2026 10:07

you mention his job - do you work ?

if no - then the house falls on your shoukders

you also mention being a perfectionist - between us we have agreed minimum standards for all sorts of things and if either of us want beyond that for whatever reason then it’s the perfectionist that does it. Although sometimes he’ll take over some DIY once I have started. He thinks I’m a little clumsy !

orangehandles · 10/08/2026 10:12

HouseSaleArguments · 10/08/2026 08:12

Just looking for some perspective here. We are getting our house ready for sale. We are downsizing largely as our son has now left home and it is just the two of us. We both love this house but it's old and needs quite a lot of housework and maintenance. Yes, I know our diamond shoes are too tight, especially with the way things are for many people right now.

I do all of the above e.g. my husband never cuts the grass, changes the sheets etc. and I hope that if we move somewhere newer and smaller that I won’t have to spend so much of my down time doing household chores and DIY. We will also be able to get a cleaner, which we haven't managed for years as our current house is pretty remote.

I have to admit that leading up to this decision, I got very mad at him about the whole thing and said that if he didn’t pull his weight during this process, I was minded to consider going our separate ways afterwards. He got very mad back (which is unusual) and said I always exaggerate how much he does/doesn't do.

There is a lot to do to get the house ready for listing, mainly basic things like replacing blown windows, touching up paintwork, decluttering etc. We have agreed that I will do all the practical stuff that we can’t get anyone in for, and my husband will organise any external people like the window company, tree surgeon etc.

There are two issues. First, it isn’t really a division of work. My husband has done a great job at tracking people down but obviously tradespeople will come whenever they are able to fit us in. As my husband is often at work when this happens, it is usually me who is having to manage the visits for quoting and doing the job. Second, now that we are actually doing this in practice, the whole thing feels unfair to me. I spent the weekend decluttering, deep cleaning etc. I asked my husband last night if he wouldn’t mind pushing the hoover round and putting the laundry away so I could finish earlier. I was polite about it yet he snapped at me that he would do it when his match finished.

Obviously this is my version, and his would likely (and tbf accurately) mention that I am a perfectionist with a tendency to expect everyone to think and behave like I do. He also earns a lot more than me in a high-pressure job and is generous and caring person in every other way. He just seems to have a blind spot when it comes to domestic things. So that is my question I suppose. Is he right and I should just chill out? Or am I right in thinking these things need to be done and he should do his fair share? Or perhaps a bit of both?

As above, this is not just a house move issue and I am seriously thinking about divorce as a result. So I would really welcome some outside perspective here as this has been going on for 20+years and we are both tired of the same old argument! Namechanged in case this wasn't obvious!

Let me get this straight. You've agreed that you will do all the practical hands-on physical hard work stuff like paintwork and decluttering, and he will arrange for tradespeople to come in and do the things you can't.

Seems to me like he's got far and away the best deal here. He doesn't have to lift a finger - well apart from the one he uses to operate his phone that is.

UpDownAllAround1 · 10/08/2026 10:17

The possible house move is a smokescreen and more perhaps to go with the empty nest. So you want to be with an angry
man for the rest of your life?

Original poster
HouseSaleArguments · 10/08/2026 10:27

Thanks so much for all your comments.

Just to say I work FT also and we both work very long hours although he makes much more money than I do. Sorry, I didn't make that clear. So at the moment I work all week then spend weekends on the house, while he is watching sport or doing his own thing. It is like a concentrated version of what has gone on for 20+ years so fully take on board those of you saying it's unlikely to change now!

But divorce is obviously a horrendous thing to contemplate. It's not just about our son. It will be a massive hit for me moneywise. And I am much closer to my in-laws than my own family, who have been pretty awful over the years, which tbh is a whole other story. But safe to say it's probably the wider family thing that scares me more as I can't bear the thought of losing everyone not just him!

OP posts:
backformoreofthesame · 10/08/2026 10:35

you will find other friends - this is a good age to make the break, the kids are wrapped up in their own lives and you have the time and energy to build the life you want

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/08/2026 10:46

If it’s always been this way it’s going to take a massive shift to change things. It’s not impossible but it will take effort on your part as well as his.

Firstly be really honest with yourself about whether the work really needs done and how perfectionist you’re being. Second, you need a plan. So you both sit down together and agree a list of work that needs to be done, and who will be responsible for getting it done. So if you think a room needs decorated, are you going to paint it yourself or get someone in to do it, or is that one of his jobs. If it’s his job he takes that on board from start to finish - he arranges tradesmen to come when he’s at home to deal with them, not make a phone call and sit back.

Did he need to do the chores right there and then? Could they have waited till after the match? Or is it the case that he’d have said he’ll do it after the match, but then would have started another tv marathon and waited for you to pick it up?

Ultimately you’re both working long hours, getting a house ready to sell is also a job of work and you both need some downtime so outsourcing what you can makes sense. Division of day to day jobs needs attention - that’s a conversation where you are clear it’s not a competition, it’s about him pulling his weight around the house. And you’re also clear it’s marriage ending if he can’t step up (assuming you’d actually leave).

Yea financially you’ll take a hit, only you know whether day to day things are ok enough or whether the house move is tipping you over the edge. It’s a stressful time in the best of circumstances but often highlights niggling tensions that need attended to, or that mean the marriage has run its course

mbonfield · 10/08/2026 10:50

Hi Op There are things in life that deal with relationships, travel, passing on and house moves. As a couple we have moved approximately 15 times in 43 years it sorts out a lot of issues. Some of the moves have simply been short term rental properties until the new house has been available. We have been at our current address for nearly 8 years and will not be moving again.

The TV or sport is not more important that a relationship. My late mother used to say to me in the 60's the TV will not do your homework how right she was!
Another aspect which will no doubt crop up is if you are moving to a smaller property is what furniture or personal items to remain.

You mention divorce, now may well be the right time to make a move. It will either wake him up or a new beginning for you and your son.

Good luck.

UpDownAllAround1 · 10/08/2026 12:59

Divorce is not horrendous but a necessary path to a better life

Likeiloveyou · 10/08/2026 13:04

I’m not sure what would make you happier OP but I bloody love living in my own tiny little house.

category12 · 10/08/2026 13:10

Might be worth getting the facts about what divorce settlement might look like for you with an appointment with a solicitor on the quiet. You might be making assumptions.

He's not going to change, so it'll help you decide.

Personally I'd rather live on my own doing everything than live with someone resenting that they could do their fair share but don't. Much kinder on the mind and soul.

Destiny123 · 10/08/2026 14:00

I mean if he said he will do it after the match (and he sticks to it) then that's reasonable and you shouldn't complain as it's unreasonable to exert your time scales onto him for something non urgent (my partner does this to me for things like hair cuts and it makes me super stressed if expected to drop everything immediately

Can't you body double and tidy/declutter together ie do your clothes each/your books each etc?

If he doesn't want to do his share and he earns more, can he pay for a 4h deep clean before the estate agents come round?

Bonkers1966 · 10/08/2026 14:16

Moving to a smaller space with an angry man who believes your time is less valuable than his might not be the best plan. If the house is being sold anyway then divorce will be much easier
Solicitor time.

Destiny123 · 10/08/2026 14:17

ssbray · 10/08/2026 09:32

Twenty years of the same row usually means the row can't be won, OP. And this one can't. You think he doesn't do enough, he thinks you exaggerate, there's no scoreboard either of you agrees on, so round you go again.

The bit that stood out to me was this. You told him you might leave over it, he got angrier than he's been in years, and then the two of you sat down and agreed who was ringing the tree surgeon. That's an awful lot to leave lying about. No wonder the arrangement feels unfair now. It was never really a windows problem.

Also, and you might not like this one, you're moving somewhere smaller partly so there's less housework and you can afford a cleaner. You're buying a house to fix a thing with your husband. It might work! Loads of people outsource their way to a quieter life and are perfectly happy. But if the real problem is that you're the only one who ever notices anything needs doing, you'll be the only one who notices in the new house too.

I don't think you're a perfectionist either, for what it's worth. You'd spent the weekend cleaning and you asked him to hoover and put a wash away. That's just a normal thing to ask someone. But you've been told you're a perfectionist for so long that you now do it to yourself before anyone else gets the chance, and it means you never get to say the plain version of what's actually bothering you.

The plain version, I think, is that you're the only one who notices. Not the only one who does things. The only one who notices they need doing. That's a different complaint and he can't really argue with it, because it's about how you feel rather than about how much he does.

If it were me I'd wait until the move's over and say something like:

"I want to go back to something. I told you I might leave over this, and you were angrier than I've seen you in years, and then we just made a list of jobs and carried on. I don't want to do that again.

I'm not trying to prove you don't do enough. You work harder than me, you earn more, I don't want a tally. It's smaller than that and harder to say. I'm the only one in this house who notices. Not who does it. Who notices it. I'm tired in a way a cleaner won't fix and I think that's half of why I've been so keen to move.
I don't need to be told I'm right. I just want to know if you'd take a couple of things over properly, remembering them included. Or if this is how we are and I need to get used to it."

Asking him to help more keeps you in charge of everything and him doing jobs when told, which is your actual complaint. Giving him something to own outright is a different ask, and it's one he can get right.

I'd also go back to the divorce thing and either take it back or mean it. At the minute he's doing this entire move with that hanging over him, so you've got no way of knowing if he's helping because he wants to or because you frightened him.

Bit of both, in answer to your question.

Totally agree with everything... but I wouldn't buy somewhere together without having this convo first as if they then split they've wasted double solicitor fees/stamp duty etc etc and you normally can't resell within a year due to money laundering

BtwixtNBtween · 10/08/2026 15:05

I live with his twin, have done for decades. After umpteen rows, our arrangement is that we apportion shares (I do upstairs down to the hallway; he does downstairs) then work like Trojans before his preferred sport begins/hobby starts, and my hobby comes into play. By this stage we both relax and spend as much free time as we like.
Decluttering is done by the person who accumulated the junk or jointly if that applies. He arranges and deals with tradespeople then I do a last minute snag check.

JulietOscarBoring · 10/08/2026 15:24

I think you have two choices here. Divorce, or he agrees to pay to outsource the jobs that he won’t do. But that would have to be fully his responsibility to arrange and manage. If he won’t engage with that then I think your only option is to go it alone.

category12 · 10/08/2026 16:45

The thing about outsourcing and him paying, is it only works if you have separate finances.

But if you have joint finances, it's basically you doing your share of the chores and partly paying for him to get out of doing his share.

Cherrysoup · 10/08/2026 17:07

Why have you ended up doing all the work readying the house for sale? I’d say me and my Dh were reasonably matched in terms of painting/moving stuff, although the phrase Nero fiddles while Rome burns springs to mind at times-I’m decluttering belongings now we’ve actually sold while he fixes his bike (which will be transported on the moving lorry so doesn’t feel like a priority) and the shed-his domain-is still full/unpacked.

orangehandles · 10/08/2026 21:30

HouseSaleArguments · 10/08/2026 10:27

Thanks so much for all your comments.

Just to say I work FT also and we both work very long hours although he makes much more money than I do. Sorry, I didn't make that clear. So at the moment I work all week then spend weekends on the house, while he is watching sport or doing his own thing. It is like a concentrated version of what has gone on for 20+ years so fully take on board those of you saying it's unlikely to change now!

But divorce is obviously a horrendous thing to contemplate. It's not just about our son. It will be a massive hit for me moneywise. And I am much closer to my in-laws than my own family, who have been pretty awful over the years, which tbh is a whole other story. But safe to say it's probably the wider family thing that scares me more as I can't bear the thought of losing everyone not just him!

How much money he makes is completely irrelevant when it comes to household chores. You both work long hours, and you both live in the same home, cause the same amount of laundry, need the same number of meals, you name it.

Marriage is supposed to be a loving, equal partnership, not a financial transaction.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 10/08/2026 22:16

That was never a fair division of labour to begin with! I'd say that the basic rule is "equal spare time" after paid work, domestic work, chores, phone calls to workmen etc, each party should have similar spare time for themselves (not to clean or cut the grass, or speak to tradies, but actual, genuine, leisure time). Anyone refusing to sign up to that is asking their partner to give up rest and happiness for theirs, and for me that is the opposite of love and partnership.
I also know my husband would die in a ditch before he let me tackle strenuous diy projects alone, and we actually enjoy some things because we do them together as a project. The idea he'd sit with a cuppa whilst I slog my guts out is unfathomable. I can see why you're thinking of divorce. I suppose the risk is - you still do it all if you're on your own, but at least then you're not frustrated and washing someone else's socks whilst they sit about!
I'd go back to the conversation with him, make it clear and be calm about the fact this absolutely isn't point scoring. Its serious because deep down, him allowing you to pick up all this extra work is a sign he doesn't value or love you and is ok with his happiness costing yours. It isn't actually about the hoovering or the washing ir the painting. If he genuinely wants to change things, you can agree he takes over jobs. If you allow him to do that, you have to allow him to fail or do it differently and he has to live with the issues it causes. (E.g if he does the washing going forward, he will forget and assume you'll pick up the slack, don't. Let him panic about no shirts). That totally removes his issue that you're a perfectionist. Don't buy a new house with him until you get to the end of this process and see if he genuinely does love you enough to own and manage half your life and that he values your time and happiness equally to his.