Am I expecting too much from my husband during our house move?

[HouseSaleArguments]

Just looking for some perspective here. We are getting our house ready for sale. We are downsizing largely as our son has now left home and it is just the two of us. We both love this house but it's old and needs quite a lot of housework and maintenance. Yes, I know our diamond shoes are too tight, especially with the way things are for many people right now.

I do all of the above e.g. my husband never cuts the grass, changes the sheets etc. and I hope that if we move somewhere newer and smaller that I won’t have to spend so much of my down time doing household chores and DIY. We will also be able to get a cleaner, which we haven't managed for years as our current house is pretty remote.

I have to admit that leading up to this decision, I got very mad at him about the whole thing and said that if he didn’t pull his weight during this process, I was minded to consider going our separate ways afterwards. He got very mad back (which is unusual) and said I always exaggerate how much he does/doesn't do.

There is a lot to do to get the house ready for listing, mainly basic things like replacing blown windows, touching up paintwork, decluttering etc. We have agreed that I will do all the practical stuff that we can’t get anyone in for, and my husband will organise any external people like the window company, tree surgeon etc.

There are two issues. First, it isn’t really a division of work. My husband has done a great job at tracking people down but obviously tradespeople will come whenever they are able to fit us in. As my husband is often at work when this happens, it is usually me who is having to manage the visits for quoting and doing the job. Second, now that we are actually doing this in practice, the whole thing feels unfair to me. I spent the weekend decluttering, deep cleaning etc. I asked my husband last night if he wouldn’t mind pushing the hoover round and putting the laundry away so I could finish earlier. I was polite about it yet he snapped at me that he would do it when his match finished.

Obviously this is my version, and his would likely (and tbf accurately) mention that I am a perfectionist with a tendency to expect everyone to think and behave like I do. He also earns a lot more than me in a high-pressure job and is generous and caring person in every other way. He just seems to have a blind spot when it comes to domestic things. So that is my question I suppose. Is he right and I should just chill out? Or am I right in thinking these things need to be done and he should do his fair share? Or perhaps a bit of both?

As above, this is not just a house move issue and I am seriously thinking about divorce as a result. So I would really welcome some outside perspective here as this has been going on for 20+years and we are both tired of the same old argument! Namechanged in case this wasn't obvious!

Just to say, I earned far more than my husband throughout our life together. I did not expect him to do everything at the weekends while I lolled around. Now we're both retired, if the cleaners are away, he himself would volunteer to push the hoover around. He might try to stop me doing too much (perfectionist streak) but wouldn't then sit on his backside if I persisted. So yes, I think you have a husband problem. If he's used to being in charge in the office, he's coming home and acting as if he's billy-big-boots at home. I would suggest that he has no wish to change so you have a choice: get the place sold, move to new house, hire cleaner with his money. Get the place sold, separate and live an independent life. You never know, your son may have seen it coming but he should certainly learn that behaving like his father is not a way to proceed in life. In either case, while you're at it, consult a lawyer and find out what you're entitled to. I imagine you'll be able to claim half of everything, including his pension.

He isn't going to change, that much is clear, and no I could not continue to carry the entire load and work FT. No. YANBU.

Why do people equate higher pay to working harder/ longer hours? If anything, the more senior I am the more flexibility I have had.

This is the classic, he thinks he does his share of the tasks he is aware of…

When you both work full time, free time should be equal. I cannot stand the answer of ‘I’ll pay to get people in.’ This is just throwing money at the issue instead of him doing his share and respecting your graft too. It will leave you feeling resentful.

I read that a husband creates 7 hours of house work a week (day?!)

Divorce doesn't always mean losing the other family. What kind of relationship do you have with them and them with you? My mum continued to see my dad's family post divorce. Even coming to family get togethers. And my dad had an affair. If you leave him because hes lazy, inconsiderate and selfish then there's a chance to keep the relationship.

Is your DS moving out and having to be in a smaller house part of the reasons you're taking it out on him?

House moves are stressful enough.

I say this as he hasn't changed, but the situations you are in have.

Some people aren't doers, some are slow doers and others perfectionists. You've known him to always be like this, so think carefully before throwing the divorce word around.

Do you love him?

Ag yes, the I’ve called/texted/emailed someone. Hopefully they’ll be in touch soon”. Been there. Of course he says you don’t see his input. He’s just defending his laziness.

I agree.

Was there a reason that it wasnt acceptable for him to put the laundry away and run the hoover round after the match finished?

If you agreed he would sort the external providers, why aren't you leaving him to it - he needs to be there to meet them when they come to the house so either WFH or arrange a different day. No wonder you feel aggrieved that the boundary has crept back, but why did you let it?

Deep sigh… you know what will make you happier

You describe yourself as a perfectionist- only people who are very picky describe themselves like this, so you need to chill. When you move you need to insist upon a more even division of labour, find things he can do, and make sure he does it to a good standard. For example my OH can't see dirt or dust, or be bothered about it, but he strips and remakes the beds, his knife skills are excellent , so he does all veg prep, things like that- it might not be 50/50, but it will be a lot closer.

Does he actually want to move? I doubt he has forgotten you threatening to divorce him, so will equate selling the house with you moving towards separation/ divorce.

Thanks so much to all of you for taking the time to read my rambling OP and share your thoughts.

I think the thread has helped me realise the issue isn’t really the housework itself, but the fact that I’ve raised the imbalance repeatedly over the years and now tend to get in response “not this again / you’re exaggerating / you’re too fussy” etc. rather than any kind of acknowledgement of either my domestic work or my feelings.

Hoovergate was just the latest in a very very long line of incidents so yes I could have waited until the match was over etc. but the idea that he can sit there week in week out with a cuppa while I slog my guts out is to me (and obviously many of you also) unfathomable. Thanks to doughnut36 for the imagery and lingo there!

The complication is, of course, that our circumstances are about to change quite dramatically once we manage to sell and move. I think day-to-day life will hopefully be much easier and happier for both of us. He really wants this and there was definitely less of an issue when we lived somewhere much smaller before.

But if the practical problem genuinely improves, can I get past the years of resentment and feeling dismissed, or will the lack of acknowledgement still eat away at me? In other words, does the damage remain even if I no longer have to spend my evenings washing the floor or weeding?!

As many of you said, this is a big step we are taking in terms of money and logistics, on what could be shaky foundations. So it would be great to hear your thoughts on that also if any of you are still out there!

Do you think he respects you OP? It doesn't sound as though he does.

Maybe you should start a thread asking "has anyone divorced and managed to stay close to exes nice family".

And actually, contrary to some pps, I would put a pause on the house sale until this is resolved. It's too huge and expensive a taks to undertake twice in rapid succession.

So your problem is your H is sexist and thinks he does enough. That won’t change with a house move. Would expect more of the same. And the move itself will be a lot of work.

You’re contemplating and have threatened separation: would reflect on that and possibly seek counselling, for yourself alone, about your options. Before buying a new property.

You’re being unrealistic to think that a modern house will make a huge difference. Most domestic and practical work is the same or similar and all properties need maintenance.

Your property doesn’t need to be perfect to sell. Doing the things you have planned may make little difference to the price you get. Good tips on MN property boards about that!

Why not stop cooking and doing laundry for him now? Get a cleaner, if you don’t already have one. Decide which jobs are essential in your opinion now and pay someone. Ignore the others and stuff that benefits him.

It's only going to be easier because there is less in total to do. It will still be the same situation. You working full time and then doing everything in the house.

Will the new house have two bedrooms?

I think seperate rooms so you can have a nice clean space without having to tidy up after him. He does his own laundry. Anything of his left out that you would usually tidy up for put in the bin for him goes on his bed for him to sort out. Literally crisp wrappers, dirty plates, his dirty pants. And when he says "why couldn't you just put that in the bin" you say "why couldn't you?"

Honestly I'd also show him WHY you're a "perfectionist" pick something, the garden, the laundry, something that visibly deteriorates. Or something big, like the decluttering ready for the move. Just don't do it. Leave it. Ignore it. And when he's saying he's got no clothes, or why is the kitchen such a shit hole, or that the grass needs cutting. Or the house sale is upon you and nothing has been done. Say "well that's what happens when you don't do it. It doesn't get done."

Yeah the last minute will be stressful. You'll both have to really pull in and get it done fast and it will be hard and stressful. But it's one short period, rather than the rest of your life.

In sort of the same boat, I work dh is retired and I feel like I never get it done because it feels like just me trying to sort things. Finally lost my rag and dh said ‘give me a list’ which irritated me even more because he has eyes and can see the things that need doing so I have passive aggressively stuck sticky notes on everything that needs to be done. Not saying he has to do it all but he can now see what actually needs doing. I’m still waiting for him to order a dumpy bag of gravel but because he said he’d do it I refuse to step in. It’s infuriating.

Life is so lovely without having to deal with these type of men. please give it some serious thought, OP. The selling of the house is an ideal time to split the money and each go your separate ways. Imagine a life where everything stays fresh and clean, and you are free of everyday frustrations caused by him.

He's not going to get better, is he? It's not a matter of the new house making it easier but you still harbouring resentment from the past. It's a matter of whatever does need doing you will do it. How do you see retirement going? Him expecting to spend every day doing exactly as he wishes? Sounds like it. He just doesn't display any tenderness towards you and your feelings, frankly. I mean you could go through the game that Mumtotornadoes suggests but will it reform him long-term or will he accuse you of being a nag/petty/change his spots for as long as it buys peace and then return to the norm?

Your husbsnd sounds like a selfish prick. Do you really want to share a smaller space with him? All the years of resentment will not go away.

You both work full time, long hours. You both have the same amount of free time. He spends his watching sports. You spend yours on maintaining the home.

You can downsize, you'll be sharing the smaller home with a man who feels that you're responsible for working on the house on your time off, while he's not.

Same shit, different house. I would refuse to move unless you can see some accountability and sustained change, and not just a kneejerk temporary effort in response to realising you're serious about a split.

You either want to put up with status quo forever, or you don't. He's treating you like one of your employees, I couldn't respect a man who was happy to sit watching the TV while I pushed a lawnmower and painted walls alone.

Do you still love him?

If you do and want to save the marriage, then a proper talk is necessary.

Not random blurts of divorce threats, but a proper talk with a look to go to counselling if needed.