I miss my dad but I know he's no good for me. A handhold please.

[Kate8889]

Context: I haven't talked to my father in person since I was 5 or 6 I am now 37. The only contact was him writing me a letter asking for for forgiveness of his child support debt.

He joined a controlling cult when I was 4 and demanded I be homeschooled and my mom stop talking to her friends wearing makeup or working.

Then he demanded all her property be put into his name. She said no, it wasn't hers to give away. He then took my grandpa's funeral money (my grandfather was getting older and gave it to my mom for safekeeping in cash) and moved out.

He would continuously call and tell my mom that he saw a vision that she accidentally stepped on an bad electrical cord in our cellar and died of electrocution. He had hooked up the wiring.

Recently he liked one of my social media posts and my heart wants to reach out to him. Please talk me down. In my brain I know he is bad news, emotionally I am longing for the father I never had. As far as I know he's still in the cult.

He also threatened this same grandfather of mine with a kitchen knife and one time when my mom and he were in the kitchen talking when they were exchanging me for visitation at his home he started breaking dishes and yelling that she was doing it. He then called the police and asked for full custody. A peach I know.

Why do I even want to have contact with him?

Why do I even want to have contact with him?

You don't. Not with him. You yearn for the kind and loving 'Dad' figure you always wanted and never had.

Because you long for a dad. Someone to be loving and supportive. That's natural.

But this man is more likely to bring heartbreak and chaos.

Thank you, very well said.

Block him, and set your settings to more private - he should not have been able to find you.

You have managed without him for 32 ? years, why would you want this bad man ( he is a thief and violent ) in your life...

You are so right. I suppose I am hoping one day he'll become the fun loving, kind person I remember from before he joined his "church", but chances are he hasn't changed.

As far as you know he is still in ' the cult ' / ' church ' that's many many years - most of your lifetime.

and your memories are of a 5 year old ?

I would actually meet him in a public place for a short time and make sure he can't work out where you live. It will help you to see him for real, for the person he is, and be able to close that chapter of idealisation.

Yes most of my memories of him are from before 7, I never saw him after I was 8 because there was an incident where he refused to return me to my mom after claiming I had the flu for 3+ weeks.

Yes it's many many years

I wouldn't feel safe doing that without getting a gauge of what kind of person he is via emails/letters/phone calls first. If I saw red flags (which, admittedly breaking dishes is a red flag...) I wouldn't want to see him in person.

Leave him in your past - where he belongs.
He is not your present nor your future.

You are not a little girl needing her daddy, you are a fully grown adult who he see him for what he is.

I know this is the right thing to do, but my heart is hurting for the person who should have been there for me and my mom through anything but ran away when it got difficult.

Realistically he will only reach out when he needs my help when/if his health fails. He doesn't actually want to know me for me. It's a kind of grief.

Thank you

Everyone wants and needs a dad, but the likelihood is he’ll disappoint you. You could go in with your eyes wide open but what grown man doesn’t see their child because they joined a cult? That is the sign of a person with very strange priorities. And to have not supported you financially is terrible.
I hope you are able to find a life partner to fill at least some of this gap in a healthy and appropriate way.

He doesn't know you and you don't know him. He may biologically be your father but he isn't in any other form.

He's had allllll these years to make it up to you but thinks this is an appropriate way to make contact??

Block him, save yourself more heartbreak, if he is ill and reaching out that's for HIM not you.

Put YOU first, you deserve a peaceful life and he is unlikely to bring you that.

Hugs OP, it's hard ❤️

Not only did he not support me financially, he wasn't there for moral or practical support. What I would have given for him to teach me how to fix a toilet, to listen when I had a difficult day. Even if he had no money, there's so much he could have done to support me.

Is your mother still alive ?

if so, have you told her
and if so
what does she think / feel

She's alive and strong as ever, but I don't want to open old wounds so I have not told her. She's told me regarding him to not touch excrement and it won't smell (don't have contact and he is less likely to make trouble for us)

' he refused to return me to my mom after claiming I had the flu for 3+ weeks.'

and even yet having written that there is a bit of you that wants to contact him...

What makes you think he is the kind of man that was even able to show you how to fix a toilet ?!

never mind ' to listen when I had a difficult day.'

When he lived with us he was good with household repairs.

That's fair, maybe he would not have been good at emotional or practical support.

I sympathise. It's hard to grieve for a parent you're likely never going to have.

Be careful. I'd be concerned about his violent tendencies, and I'm inclined to think that he's reached out more for his benefit or peace of mind, rather than to actually be a Dad to you.

It's been 30 years or so.

Was it Facebook that he found you on ? why now...
Facebook has been around for 20 years !

How old is he now ?

Oh love. You might be adult, but the adults that we are grow up and around the heartwood that is our childhood selves.

When that's solid, we don't need to think much of our childhood and can focus outwards. When there's a giant crack in our childhoods, it's very hard to be whole, although we can heal to some degree.

I hear your pain and longing.

The man your father is, is not the man your child's heart longs for though. You know that, as well as anyone reading this thread knows that.

You are vulnerable to him in a way that you won't be to anyone else except your mother, but he's not going to be able to pour healing into the crack of your childhood. He has an enormous amount to make up to you and one single 'like' on social media isn't even a beginning. Especially if he's in this cult still, his influence is more poison than life-enhancing and healing.

Please block him, and consider locking down your social media. He does not have your best interests at heart and he never did, since joining the cult.

I'm truly sorry for your pain, @Kate8889

He found me on VK

That's another consideration I am a dual citizen of US and Russia and he's in Russia and could try to falsely report me as a political troublemaker if he wanted to.

Which country do you currently live in ?