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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I miss my dad but I know he's no good for me. A handhold please.

33 replies

Kate8889 · 09/08/2026 15:55

Context: I haven't talked to my father in person since I was 5 or 6 I am now 37. The only contact was him writing me a letter asking for for forgiveness of his child support debt.

He joined a controlling cult when I was 4 and demanded I be homeschooled and my mom stop talking to her friends wearing makeup or working.

Then he demanded all her property be put into his name. She said no, it wasn't hers to give away. He then took my grandpa's funeral money (my grandfather was getting older and gave it to my mom for safekeeping in cash) and moved out.

He would continuously call and tell my mom that he saw a vision that she accidentally stepped on an bad electrical cord in our cellar and died of electrocution. He had hooked up the wiring.

Recently he liked one of my social media posts and my heart wants to reach out to him. Please talk me down. In my brain I know he is bad news, emotionally I am longing for the father I never had. As far as I know he's still in the cult.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kate8889 · 10/08/2026 00:59

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/08/2026 00:56

Which country do you currently live in ?

In US currently but travel back to see my grandma once a year or so

OP posts:
Original poster
Kate8889 · 10/08/2026 01:02

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 09/08/2026 23:13

Oh love. You might be adult, but the adults that we are grow up and around the heartwood that is our childhood selves.

When that's solid, we don't need to think much of our childhood and can focus outwards. When there's a giant crack in our childhoods, it's very hard to be whole, although we can heal to some degree.

I hear your pain and longing.

The man your father is, is not the man your child's heart longs for though. You know that, as well as anyone reading this thread knows that.

You are vulnerable to him in a way that you won't be to anyone else except your mother, but he's not going to be able to pour healing into the crack of your childhood. He has an enormous amount to make up to you and one single 'like' on social media isn't even a beginning. Especially if he's in this cult still, his influence is more poison than life-enhancing and healing.

Please block him, and consider locking down your social media. He does not have your best interests at heart and he never did, since joining the cult.

I'm truly sorry for your pain, @Kate8889

Thank you for that

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/08/2026 01:10

Well at least you are thousands of miles away from him so he won't be turning up on your doorstep asking for money or anything else like looking after him because he is ill.

Obiv you won't now be posting on your social media about any upcoming visits as you do not want him turning up at an older person's home.

Supersimkin7 · 10/08/2026 01:12

It’s so difficult because the word for father is the same as the word for real father, the one you’ll never meet.

OP, I don’t think you’ll benefit from brunch with bio-dad.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/08/2026 01:16

Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.

Original poster
Kate8889 · 10/08/2026 02:04

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/08/2026 01:10

Well at least you are thousands of miles away from him so he won't be turning up on your doorstep asking for money or anything else like looking after him because he is ill.

Obiv you won't now be posting on your social media about any upcoming visits as you do not want him turning up at an older person's home.

I never do anyway, with the way things are, but will be extra vigilant

OP posts:
Dlew · 10/08/2026 02:20

you want to see him because you deserve a nice dad, as we all do

howevrr, IMO you need to find some way of accepting that your father isn’t a nice dad. He hasn’t bothered with you for 30+years, aside from anything else. You need to accept that you do not have a dad and that this man won’t change. Once you accept that fully, things are a lot easier.

QuestioningEverythingNow · 10/08/2026 05:33

Kate8889 · 09/08/2026 20:05

I know this is the right thing to do, but my heart is hurting for the person who should have been there for me and my mom through anything but ran away when it got difficult.

Realistically he will only reach out when he needs my help when/if his health fails. He doesn't actually want to know me for me. It's a kind of grief.

Thank you

Show quote history

I am glad that you responded to this post.

It is grief. Grief takes time to process, has many stages, a lot of which are painful.

You are dreaming of and yearning for what cannot be. Once you accept this sad truth you can get on with your grieving process and move towards healing.

Dont let your dad back in your life - he doesn’t deserve that space. Deep down I think you know this yourself.

Flowers
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