Did I do the right thing blocking an overbearing neighbour?

[SusieQuo]

We moved into a retirement complex last year and it’s quite pleasant. Neighbours are ok but I’ve never been one to be in and out of a neighbours house. I stay polite and pass the time of day and keep it that way. However, here there is one lady who is quite talkative and doesn’t know when to stop, often delaying me from going out on time. As soon as she sees me, she’s there. A few weeks ago during a conversation I asked her where she’d got her doggy pushchair from, as my own little dog suffered an injury to his leg and that would be handy for him. She then said that she was getting a new one the very next day and I could have the old one. But, she’d already promised it to another neighbour, so she’d check with her. Innocently, I gave her my phone number…..big mistake. The other neighbour didn’t want the pushchair so I received a call saying I could have it. I paid her for it, though she insisted she didn’t want payment, I wasn’t taking it for nothing. From then she started phoning me for the least thing or turning up at the door, again just to tell me really silly things that I’m not in the least bit interested in.

I was then diagnosed with breast cancer and I told her because I was having an operation and I’d be out of sorts for a while, hoping she’d take the “ hint”. No, it didn’t stop her. But, then I had to get a second operation and just two days later she was phoning me really early in the mornings. I put up with it 3 days and then I asked her politely not to phone and to let me have some space and time to heal. My partner was getting to the point where he wanted a word with her husband, but neither of us wants conflict as it’s a nice community and we are relatively new here. Thankfully it appeared to work and the calls stopped. But, 10 day later, they started again, albeit later in the day and texting and showing up at my door. ( She’s away to her static caravan with her husband )Friday evening, she called and I didn’t answer, she tried another two times then sent me a photo of herself with a new haircut. Yesterday she was calling and I didn’t answer, ( 6 times she tried ) she texted and I didn’t reply. Her text never asked how I am, so I knew her calls wouldn’t be out of concern for me either.
I’ve just had a very painful few days with the drain that was fitted after the op, and had to go back to hospital and thankfully they removed it. I’m exhausted most of the time and I’ve been told it’s quite normal, listen to my body and rest. I’ve got those TED socks I must wear all the time to prevent blood clots while I’m not very mobile. So, I ignored my neighbour. Late last night, I received a text from her she says that she won’t bother me again, she doesn’t know what she’s done but it’s clear that I don’t want her phoning, so she will delete my number If she doesn’t hear back from me. Now, any other time I’d just laugh it off, but this has really upset me. I have replied to say that I hope she has deleted my number because I’m blocking her. I’m still recovering from a big operation, thanked her sarcastically for her “ concern about me” I’ve been back to hospital, I’ve been in agony and from now on I will just say “ hello” to be polite as a neighbour.
I do feel guilty, but I just can’t put up with her demands, my BF says it’s controlling behaviour, I’m flabbergasted at that but I think my BF is right. She has been away to the caravan she owns for the last week with her husband, yet still had to call me…the threat of deleting my number if I don’t reply. She has plenty of family she doesn’t need to single me out, she does have her own health issues and she’s very vocal and her husband barely gets a word in, he asks her to pipe down a bit and he just shakes his head. They’d both tried to get us to go out for a meal with them and we declined politely. I hope to goodness that she leave me well alone now when they get back home tomorrow. I don’t want this to escalate.
Have I done the right thing? I’m so tired and worried about the results of my op I’ll get on 3rd September and when chemo will start. I don’t need a controlling neighbour who I barely know constantly phoning, texting and turning up at my door.

She may have dementia or onset of it. My MIL has been diagnosed with with it and I’ve had many early morning strange voice messages left as have her friend. It’s sad. Hope you start to feel better soon .

You've absolutely done the right thing. Be prepared for major flouncing when you bump into her. Just roll your eyes and carry on with your day. Hope you feel better soon, it takes a lot out of you, it's time to prioritise your own healing and recovery.

Thank you, but I doubt the dementia, as she’s very well organised and her husband does as she tells him. She is very needy and I think as my BF said, controlling. Seen a chink in my armour and trying to wriggle in.

I sincerely hope so, thank you, it’s just so draining. I don’t think she has a filter, you know…like most of us do.

I once had a colleague at work like this, it was very odd and something I had never experienced before. 30 texts a day, long voice notes, she never left me alone and if I did not respond she would ask why I was being funny with her. The strange thing was she had never actually met me in person. We worked remotely. When I explained sometimes I’m just busy and can’t always respond she would get really angry. In the end I just had to ignore her. I think people that display these characteristics are normally very controlling and have some kind of narcissistic tendencies! Almost like love bombing!

You’ve done the right thing. She’ll more than likely be arsey over it, so just ignore her, she’s unimportant.

I keep neighbours at more than arms length. We did have one move in who wanted to swap numbers, which I refused to do. Told him that whatever his reason was for thinking he needed it, he didn’t need it and wasn’t having it.

You did the right thing. Just focus on yourself and your recovery which I hope is full and swift.

Of all the times right now you need to put yourself first, I have been where you are with BC it can be a long and exhausting treatment.
some people are just needy and in their mind they are normal and they can not understand that not everyone feels how they do.
Don’t give her another thought I think just smile and nod when you see her and avoid ever giving her another way in. I bet you wish you’d just looked at the dog pushchair online.
I would be happy to have you as a neighbour. Good luck with your treatment.

I know I’ve been so stupid giving her my number but it was just for the doggy pram and such a coincidence she was getting a newer one the very next day. She did get it too because she came to our door to show me the very next day and she’s since got another one while she’s been away in her static caravan.

Thank you, and you are so right I do wish I’d looked online for a doggy pram. A lesson learned. She’s due back tomorrow from their caravan, she lives at the other end of the building to us and I don’t use the front entrance as we’re near the rear where our car is parked, so I’ve no reason to pass her door. I do feel for the manager here, she has a queue of folk every morning and this neighbour is always at the front of it. Thank you for your good wishes with my treatment.

You’ve done the right thing and I’m sure nobody around would judge you as they will have had the same experiences with her.
At first I thought she might be a lonely soul but she has her own DH, family and holiday home it’s not like she’s stuck on her own.
I have a feeling her DH must like a break from her and whilst she’s bothering other people, she’s leaving him alone.
I am sorry you have been so poorly.
As you described the situation I pictured Blanche from Corrie, back in the day, an absolute nightmare and know-it-all. Funny on a soap, not in real life.
The flounce off here is remarkable, she sounds insufferable - if I don’t hear from you, I’m deleting you.
Silly woman.

Thank you for your opinion I really appreciate it and all who have responded, it’s made me feel a bit better. I thought I was being mean, I’ve listened to my neighbour, made time for her, but it’s been a huge mistake. I bought the doggy pushchair from her and somehow it’s given her rights to my life ! I’ve not spoken in depth to any other neighbours, but I do know she was latched on to her next door neighbour when we moved in here last year. He was in his 90’s, they were in and out of each others flats, but he constantly complained about her and her husband. Sadly the poor man passed away in the New Year and it was her who found him…if she hadn’t, no one would have known until Monday as it was the weekend and there’s no manager here, so his early morning call on Monday would have been unanswered and his cleaner too probably would have found him.

"Controlling" behaviour? From what you've said, it doesn't sound like she has the capacity for that. Sounds more like she has some issues of her own, whether MH, lack of understanding of normal social boundaries etc. Please try not to worry about her as right now you need to focus on yourself.

Please don't worry, you don't owe her anything and you need to concentrate on your recovery. Don't give the silly woman another thought! Hopefully she's got the message and will leave you alone 👍

I suspect she sensed your self doubt early days. You will not have been the first person to be bombarded by her or to swerve her - this would have happened all her life. We are taught to be too polite rather than managing our personal boundaries. I wonder if you were not battling with BC would you have let her dominate you more? I wonder why you didn’t feel confident enough to intervene much earlier? I am delighted it’s over now, but please stop doubting yourself and I wish you strength and courage for your recovery. Take care of yourself

Texting has given people yet another way to be so very socially awkward. Having neighbors who want to be around you or your home or your kids is a tale as old as time. I remember my dmum saying…oh here comes Thelma I will never get rid of her and my mum was a kind caring neighbor. You did the right thing blocking her. A neighbor threatening you if you don’t respond is ludicrous. Surely other neighbors have a similar experience with her and that’s why she latched onto you the new neighbor via the dog pram. She intentionally asked for your number. Rest and recover be pleasant in passing to her. Hoping there are some neighbors who are a better friendship fit your you.

I think you were a bit in your reply! You could have just said ‘sorry I am having a difficult time with my health and do not feel like communicating with anyone. I hope you understand’. End of. No need to be sarcastic.

So sorry about your neighbour. I know what you mean about the drain after 2 operations. You do need all your strength and rest at this time and probably for quite a long time. Keep your spirits up and put her to the back of your mind. Most of the community you live in will totally understand and are keeping their distance from her.

She’s probably just a needy person. My neighbour was like this, in at all hours, borrowing stuff, wanting to see me all the time. Drove us mad. I was thrilled when she moved out. Block her and ignore if you see her.

Good luck with your treatment, hope it all goes well.

Block her nutjob she is

You're going through a lot and it's important that you have all the peace of mind to get through chemo.

I once knew someone that was similar to her, but without as much texting. That was back in the day in my 20s where you had to manually key in each letter, so it put people off from messaging too much. Someone doesn't need to have dementia to be like that.

Late last night, I received a text from her she says that she won’t bother me again, she doesn’t know what she’s done but it’s clear that I don’t want her phoning, so she will delete my number If she doesn’t hear back from me

She may be genuine with that. I don't think Brits deal well with confrontation or being direct, so other than her husband, she may not have had anyone in her life to tell her that she's too intense for most people.

I don't think you need to give her an explanation, but in your shoes, if you see her again and want to clear the air, just tell here she needs too much contact and time that you have the energy to give her. Simple.

She may sulk or flounce, but it's so polite that I think that's the least personal way of saying you'd like to reduce contact, although that may have already been taken care of!

You could just text and say, look im sorry but im too ill and tired for new friendships right now. I have a circle of friends who under normal circumstances I only see or speak to once a week and if one of us is too busy it might be 2 or 3 weeks. So I appreciate you wanting to be friends but right now I have no time or energy. If you want to be friends further down line im afraid it would have to be a lot less continous contact because thats just not me. If you need that level of frequency with your friends im probably not the right friend for you. Doesn't mean we cant still acknowledge each other and say hello though.

I hope that you get the best results in September and that you can find some comfort and rest between now and then.

You did the right thing , I call these people human radios , they don’t want a friend they just want an audience to give them attention. I met someone at work like this during the pandemic, as we were at home so much the lines blurred between work and evening, my father died and she would call every evening to see how I was , in reality she would just complain about work endlessly and sometimes she was so angry , I was a bit numb so I didn’t really process what was going on . I also have a neighbour like this who talks at me constantly, it actually turns out that my neighbour is a very malicious gossip and has caused lots of problems in our building. I never really thought much about these types of people but having to deal with them is just awful, it doesn’t matter how much attention you give them they always want more. They are not embarrassed and they don’t give a fig if they are making you uncomfortable or wasting your time . It’s good that she is deleting your number ( I doubt she will ) focus on yourself and just ignore her completely. Don’t disclose anything further about your life . My ex colleague still calls and WhatsApps me every few months even though I ignore her 95% of the time, it’s quite astonishing how persistent they can be !

I hope you're starting to feel better in yourself after your op.
You absolutely did the right thing this person has no boundaries and was out of order and overstepping.
Im sure many more people feel the,same.
Get yourself well and forget about her..I had a neighbour like this once she soon got the message x