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Original poster

How can I divorce my husband as gently as possible?

29 replies

Clockworkmamma · 09/08/2026 00:23

Long time lurker.
I have many complex problems. I am currently relapsing after a year of sobriety. I lost my Mamma last year. I am open to answer all questions.
Here is my problem.:
After 18 years of marriage, one absolutely amazing 12 year old, I realised that despite his efforts, my husband cannot meet my emotional needs..I have started divorce proceedings. Please give me a your tips to do this gently. I still love him, but we are not in the same space.

OP posts:
Gowlett · 09/08/2026 00:34

I’m looking to do similar. Things haven’t been good for a while. I’ve tried my best. I don’t want an incident to end things, we’ve had plenty of drama already. I just want to move on quietly. I know he will be upset, shocked… But maybe not surprised. I might just move into my sister’s with DS for a while & frame it as a break. Then we can talk about it with less heat. Is your sobriety situation a factor in pushing you forward with divorce?

Original poster
Clockworkmamma · 09/08/2026 00:56

Gowlett · 09/08/2026 00:34

I’m looking to do similar. Things haven’t been good for a while. I’ve tried my best. I don’t want an incident to end things, we’ve had plenty of drama already. I just want to move on quietly. I know he will be upset, shocked… But maybe not surprised. I might just move into my sister’s with DS for a while & frame it as a break. Then we can talk about it with less heat. Is your sobriety situation a factor in pushing you forward with divorce?

Hopefully we both will benefit from the advice I hopefully get. No, my sobriety in itself is a separate journey, but also yes, it was in sobriety when I became aware of the disconnect. My Mamma's passing highlighted it and now I'm trying to figure out how to distance myself from a loving but not supported marriage

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 09/08/2026 06:31

Are you in uk? If so, look on gov.uk

Allatsea1980s · 09/08/2026 07:08

Have you actually spoken to your dh? Be careful. A marriage at 1 year will be different at 12 years but if love and respect are there that’s worth fighting for. Also losing a parent is very destabilising and can make you make unwise decisions.

Octavia64 · 09/08/2026 07:20

It’s not a gentle process.

sorry but it just isn’t.

my ExH and I were amicable but even so it was tough

sesquipedalian · 09/08/2026 07:31

OP, perhaps you should look at this from your DH’s point of view. You have problems, including with alcohol, which hardly makes you easy to live with. You have recently lost your mother - this will not contribute to making balanced decisions. Your DH is, by your own account, “making efforts”, but “cannot meet your emotional needs” - yet you’ve been together for eighteen years. Are you sure you’re not chasing rainbows, OP? Your DH hasn’t been unkind: he’s trying to be supportive - what is it you think you’ll find with someone else? Your DC will never have another adult in their life who loves them as much as her own parents, and will doubtless be very upset by the divorce of their parents. There’s no such thing as a “gentle” divorce, because there’s always one person who wants it more than the other. Take a long hard look at what you have in your life, OP - the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.

Ufsse · 09/08/2026 07:40

Do you have someone in mind you think will be able to meet your emotional needs?

FairyMaclary · 09/08/2026 07:42

I am with @sesquipedalian.

If there is love and respect I’d be more focussed on fixing it. It’s easy to blame others but if you struggle with alcohol that must be hard for him.

What do you feel he is not doing? What needs are not being met?

No human being will ever meet all the Needs of another. Sometimes a friend or two will meet certain needs, a sister another need, your husband will meet a few too. We seem to expect one man or woman to be our everything and it’s not fair nor realistic. In this day and age a loyal, faithful, trustworthy husband who tries to meet some of your needs is worth working with. If he is a good father and there is respect and love you may look back and regret this.

Gottman relationship books are excellent. I recommend Seven Principles of making marriage work. Then 8 dates. The Gottmans did a couple of podcasts on diary of a ceo which you can access for free on your podcast app.

What do you think will be better when you are divorced?

Slugfest · 09/08/2026 07:46

Excellent advice from @sesquipedalian

Original poster
Clockworkmamma · 09/08/2026 08:04

sesquipedalian · 09/08/2026 07:31

OP, perhaps you should look at this from your DH’s point of view. You have problems, including with alcohol, which hardly makes you easy to live with. You have recently lost your mother - this will not contribute to making balanced decisions. Your DH is, by your own account, “making efforts”, but “cannot meet your emotional needs” - yet you’ve been together for eighteen years. Are you sure you’re not chasing rainbows, OP? Your DH hasn’t been unkind: he’s trying to be supportive - what is it you think you’ll find with someone else? Your DC will never have another adult in their life who loves them as much as her own parents, and will doubtless be very upset by the divorce of their parents. There’s no such thing as a “gentle” divorce, because there’s always one person who wants it more than the other. Take a long hard look at what you have in your life, OP - the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.

Thank you, I am not wanting out to find a new partner. I really just think being on my own will be better than feeling so incredibly alone.

OP posts:
Iocanepowder · 09/08/2026 08:06

My only advice is to still consider your child and don’t ever do anything that puts them in the middle.

Original poster
Clockworkmamma · 09/08/2026 08:06

UpDownAllAround1 · 09/08/2026 06:31

Are you in uk? If so, look on gov.uk

I have looked at the site and registered. I think the question is more about having the conversation.

OP posts:
MorningCoffeeAfternoonTea · 09/08/2026 08:07

Hi OP, I was in your position and used a combination of counselling - both together and apart - and a couple of books recommended on here, one was called something like The Kids Are Alright and the other Was Conscious Uncoupling. Both were great at helping the kids through it and after the initial talks and planning of how we’d keep the house, we were able to apply for divorce by ourselves. It was ultra friendly and we still help each other out now.

Original poster
Clockworkmamma · 09/08/2026 08:09

Ufsse · 09/08/2026 07:40

Do you have someone in mind you think will be able to meet your emotional needs?

No, there is no other parties involved.

OP posts:
ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 09/08/2026 08:18

Your first steps would be the mn ducks in a row and find yourself alternative accommodation, to show how serious you are, do you rent or own?

Original poster
Clockworkmamma · 09/08/2026 08:19

FairyMaclary · 09/08/2026 07:42

I am with @sesquipedalian.

If there is love and respect I’d be more focussed on fixing it. It’s easy to blame others but if you struggle with alcohol that must be hard for him.

What do you feel he is not doing? What needs are not being met?

No human being will ever meet all the Needs of another. Sometimes a friend or two will meet certain needs, a sister another need, your husband will meet a few too. We seem to expect one man or woman to be our everything and it’s not fair nor realistic. In this day and age a loyal, faithful, trustworthy husband who tries to meet some of your needs is worth working with. If he is a good father and there is respect and love you may look back and regret this.

Gottman relationship books are excellent. I recommend Seven Principles of making marriage work. Then 8 dates. The Gottmans did a couple of podcasts on diary of a ceo which you can access for free on your podcast app.

What do you think will be better when you are divorced?

Thank you for your suggestions and recommendations. I will look into the books. I suppose, when I am divorced I will be alone not just feeling alone.

OP posts:
Dery · 09/08/2026 08:33

I’m sorry you feel you are sliding back into active addiction. That must be very distressing.

We don’t know your backstory but it is striking that you ask how to be as gentle as possible but you have framed the divorce as being his fault ie that he cannot meet your needs. If you really want to be gentle, make it about you not him. You’re struggling with maintaining sobriety so a gentler way to express it would be that you cannot be there for anyone else while you’re fighting this demon, you need to be able to focus on yourself, and you think that you can do this best if you end the marriage.

Alternatively, there may be ways of doing this from within the marriage which involve taking full responsibility for yourself. There have been times over the decades when I have been a bottomless pit of needs which no-one could - or should be expected - to meet. As a PP has said above, no-one can meet every need. Alcohol and drugs can also be crutches. Can you meet some of what you need from within?

Original poster
Clockworkmamma · 09/08/2026 08:39

Dery · 09/08/2026 08:33

I’m sorry you feel you are sliding back into active addiction. That must be very distressing.

We don’t know your backstory but it is striking that you ask how to be as gentle as possible but you have framed the divorce as being his fault ie that he cannot meet your needs. If you really want to be gentle, make it about you not him. You’re struggling with maintaining sobriety so a gentler way to express it would be that you cannot be there for anyone else while you’re fighting this demon, you need to be able to focus on yourself, and you think that you can do this best if you end the marriage.

Alternatively, there may be ways of doing this from within the marriage which involve taking full responsibility for yourself. There have been times over the decades when I have been a bottomless pit of needs which no-one could - or should be expected - to meet. As a PP has said above, no-one can meet every need. Alcohol and drugs can also be crutches. Can you meet some of what you need from within?

Edited

Thank you, I didn't realise that I framed it that way. You are right, it isn't his fault. He is perfectly himself and I have some thinking ti do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clockworkmamma · 09/08/2026 08:44

I am so glad that I posted this, thank you so much for your responses. I'm in therapy and I have a long history of trauma. I take every post on board as it is helpful to see things from another point of view. I will be back later, for now I'm Mamma and wife.

OP posts:
Flipity · 09/08/2026 08:45

Where is your DC in all this?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 09/08/2026 08:48

Clockworkmamma · 09/08/2026 08:04

Thank you, I am not wanting out to find a new partner. I really just think being on my own will be better than feeling so incredibly alone.

Show quote history

You are absolutely correct here. The lonliest I've ever been was when I was married. I'm not interested in another relationship, I'm happy on my own

ViciousCurrentBun · 09/08/2026 08:57

I don’t think it can be gentle having had four friends divorce and been there for them through the highs and lows.

Courts consider the welfare of the child first and foremost so be aware of that where you have alcohol issues.

I am not doubting that you are unhappy, but in all this consider your child. Do you want shared care 50/50 and are social services involved with your family?

Liverpoolxxx · 09/08/2026 10:13

Will you let DH have full custody? Because it would be very unfair (and abusive) for your 12 year old to have to be along with an alcoholic.

PaperMachePanda · 09/08/2026 10:24

Liverpoolxxx · 09/08/2026 10:13

Will you let DH have full custody? Because it would be very unfair (and abusive) for your 12 year old to have to be along with an alcoholic.

Yep this.

Sorry to be harsh op but I would be fighting tooth and nail for you not to have custody if I was your husband. I’d want you proving 6 months of sobriety before I even allowed you over nights.

Also a divorce right now is more likely to push you further over the edge.

MarilynMerlot · 09/08/2026 10:36

Liverpoolxxx · 09/08/2026 10:13

Will you let DH have full custody? Because it would be very unfair (and abusive) for your 12 year old to have to be along with an alcoholic.

I was an 11 year old left with an alcoholic parent and it destroyed how I related to other people until therapy in my late thirties. Please don’t put your DC in this position, sort out your sobriety first.

Unsurprisingly I became an addict myself (9 years of recovery now) and i’d bet my house you are looking for the Big Change that will fix things, I don’t doubt you when you say you feel lonely and you may well need to leave, but you know how much of the problem is internal if you’re being honest.