Ghosted and pregnant

[OliveCat2000]

Ghosting me while I’m pregnant and financially reliant on him – how do I rebuild from this?
I’m pregnant, very emotional and honestly scared about what my life is going to look like from here. I think I need some outside perspective because when I put everything together, the situation feels quite frightening.
My partner and I run a business together and he pays me through the business, so financially I am quite reliant on him. I also have children from a previous relationship and am pregnant with his child.
The confusing thing is that he can be incredibly loving and supportive. Most of the time he has been amazing with my children and we have had genuinely happy times together. We have built a life and a business together, which is why I have found everything that has happened so difficult to process.
But he has a terrible problem with anger. His reactions when he feels hurt or angry can be completely disproportionate. There have been incidents of physical aggression towards me, including hitting me, twisting my arm and dragging me, and he has smashed my laptop during an argument. There has also been controlling behaviour around my relationships with other people.
When things are good, they can be really good. When things go wrong, however, his reaction can be extreme and he can simply cut people off.
He has now left while I’m pregnant and is essentially ghosting me. Communication is minimal and I don’t know what he intends to do about me, the baby or our business.
He also has another child whom he no longer sees. He has always had his reasons for what happened there and says he was prevented from seeing the child. He pays an extremely small amount of maintenance, around £14 a month from what I understand. He is self-employed and knows how to make himself effectively financially off-grid.
During a recent conversation he actually told me that he had left that child and could leave this baby too.
So realistically I am assuming child maintenance is a definite no. I don’t want to base my future around money that I may never receive or spend years trying to chase.
I’m scared. I’m pregnant, my income is intertwined with someone who is currently barely speaking to me, and I suddenly feel like I need to figure out how to rebuild my life and become completely financially independent while preparing to have a baby.
I know people will probably ask why I stayed or why I got pregnant. The answer is that he wasn’t awful all the time. There was another side of him that was loving, supportive and felt like family. I genuinely thought we were building a life together.
I’m not asking how to get him back. I think I need to start looking at the situation in front of me rather than the one I hoped I would have.
If you had to rebuild from this position, where would you start?
How would you protect your income when you share a business with the person you’re separating from? What practical things would you put in place before the baby arrives? And how do you get yourself from being frightened and financially dependent to feeling like your life belongs to you again?

This.

Thank you, solid advice. He’s not a details or paperwork guy, his ex took him to court he was unprepared and didn’t even have a barrister. He’s not organised or wealthy enough to hurt me via courts thankfully, it would be too much effort. Yes probably to other women

I’d run away from him, the business and just start again. Do you have family who can help? You can stay with short term? You could speak to ACAS re the employment - they’re very good with advice. Good luck.

He’s not that disorganised is he because he’s managed to arrange things so he doesn’t have to financially support his other child.
Is the business one where you could siphon off the clients and operate independently. ? I’m thinking you could report him to the police for the physical abuse.

Weaponised selective incompetence

It's the "oh I can't work the dishwasher but I can manage to weedle out of CMS by diddling my tax returns*"

*No idea how it actually works don't flame me, the CMS is a law unto itself

I’m not sure, but evading CMS is pretty easy I think. I know it’s common

I don’t think police do much in these situations. It’s just my bad, I need to face the consequences and yes, get on my feet in the background. Take what help I can get.

Given what you have disclosed about the behaviours in the relationship- the physical aggression, hitting, twisting and dragging you, the smashing a laptop and controlling behaviour the Police can (and should) do something if you report him. That can include a Domestic Violence Prevention Order, prosecution and subsequent restraining order. I agree he needs to be reported. If you’re not at the stage of feeling able to can you reach out to Women’s Aid and/or National Domestic Abuse helpline for support? You can also consider a non molestation order and/or occupation order.

I fear that the contact regarding the business is a way to reel you in and further control you. Can you cut your losses with the business or take some advice in terms of any assets from the business you can walk away with?

Although you’re going through an awful time right now (and I’m sorry this is happening to you) hopefully you will be able to cut all ties with him now before the baby arrives. Far better for that to happen now than when baby is on the scene. By reporting him and/or seeking a non mol you may be in a better position should he wish to seek unsupervised access of the child later on down the line

just a thought- if you edit your thread title to mention that it mentions DA (with a trigger warning) you might get more tailored responses to include that element of your post

Do you have access to any of the finances of the business or his accounts?

Unfortunately, it’s very common for abusive men to ramp up the abuse when their partner is pregnant. I hope you’re ok and you don’t let him back in.

If you are helping to run the business, presumably you have access to the financial records? Just make copies of accounts for the past few years

Ain’t that the truth.

The police absolutely get involved if there has been a physical assault

Yes of course they will.
OP you need legal advice. I would be tempted to take copies of all the paperwork I could get my hands on and report him to HMRC.
However, you need to get as much money out of the business as you can before the baby is born, so thatbyou have something to live on. Please do contact all the organisations suggested on here, get all the advice you can and act on it.

You need to record it with the police even if it doesn't lead to a prosecution.

It protects other women via a Clare's Law/Right to Know disclosure even if you decide not to get a non mol or DVPO or an occupation order (although any of those are a good start)

It protects future-you as well.

If he decides he wakes up one Tuesday morning in 2027 and decides to either
a) get you back via contact with the baby
b) press for shared care just for lolz
or
c) to punish you by dragging you through family court

then you need this paper trail now because this is what the courts will take into consideration. Anything else becomes he said/she said*

log it. first step. anything else that follows depends on a number of variables

*not my view at all- but that's often how it seems to go in family court

also he could drag you through mediation - DV is one of the factors that means mediation is not an option.

You also need to generate the log as it may or may not help you to get legal aid if you need it and/or the non mol.

assume he is gonna make you life a living hell, and if he doesn't then so much the better, but at least you've done all you possibly can with the gift he's given you of fucking off now

Thanks guys, respectfully I’ve been down this route before with other women as I help them with their court paperwork etc. I have experience in this field and it does depend on the guy. The police will log it yes. And that’s it, courts etc, non mols - all useless, the dad just has to say ‘sorry’ do a DV course and he’ll get access. It’s naive to think courts protect women - they don’t. Often the protect abusers. With abusive men like him, it’s give him space, give him no reaction. He won’t want to look after his kid more than being a weekend dad. I know him. It’s better to let him have it as he can just lie to the court and say sorry whoops. They literally give contact to men who are proven child abusers if they do the right course. So I appreciate the well-meaning advice but my experience with the police and courts is that they’re on the whole fairly useless unless you have your ex on camera punching you or the kids in the face.

Are you going to listen to any advice here? You need to leave. This man is dangerous. He is an imminent danger to yourself and your unborn child.

You know all this, you had all the red flags, and yet you are choosing to bring a child into the world to live under his abusive shadow. What exactly are you hoping to get from this thread?

As for “protecting your income”. Do you have an employment contract? Are you a partner? Is your business incorporated in any way with your name on documents as a director etc? Are you just self employed individuals “trading as”? Who decides your remuneration and on what basis? What do you mean when you say you do everything? Unless you can legally define your position in this business, it’s hard to protect your income. But why continue to put money in the pocket of this abusive, useless shit? Stop working with/for him and claim benefits.

Just to clarify I don't think the courts do do enough to protect women or the children, hence the paper trail being needed to even have half a chance of being heard. There are failings at every point of the system which are actively or passively exploited by the perpetrators. Maybe this thread will help other victim-survivors though 🤷🏾‍♀️

Wish you well op

Yea thanks I know that. I’m being realistic. What am I hoping to achieve? Maybe it’s good to share sometimes. Everyone here has hope in the police and courts, good for you. Some even have hope in HMRC and CMS. Fab. I don’t and just wanted some insight on maybe what other women have done that didn’t involve starting a war via broken systems. It’s a man’s world in every sense and yes of course it was dumb getting pregnant I know that. But the baby is coming and he’s gone. So that’s all. Thanks for the encouragement