Ghosted and pregnant

[OliveCat2000]

Ghosting me while I’m pregnant and financially reliant on him – how do I rebuild from this?
I’m pregnant, very emotional and honestly scared about what my life is going to look like from here. I think I need some outside perspective because when I put everything together, the situation feels quite frightening.
My partner and I run a business together and he pays me through the business, so financially I am quite reliant on him. I also have children from a previous relationship and am pregnant with his child.
The confusing thing is that he can be incredibly loving and supportive. Most of the time he has been amazing with my children and we have had genuinely happy times together. We have built a life and a business together, which is why I have found everything that has happened so difficult to process.
But he has a terrible problem with anger. His reactions when he feels hurt or angry can be completely disproportionate. There have been incidents of physical aggression towards me, including hitting me, twisting my arm and dragging me, and he has smashed my laptop during an argument. There has also been controlling behaviour around my relationships with other people.
When things are good, they can be really good. When things go wrong, however, his reaction can be extreme and he can simply cut people off.
He has now left while I’m pregnant and is essentially ghosting me. Communication is minimal and I don’t know what he intends to do about me, the baby or our business.
He also has another child whom he no longer sees. He has always had his reasons for what happened there and says he was prevented from seeing the child. He pays an extremely small amount of maintenance, around £14 a month from what I understand. He is self-employed and knows how to make himself effectively financially off-grid.
During a recent conversation he actually told me that he had left that child and could leave this baby too.
So realistically I am assuming child maintenance is a definite no. I don’t want to base my future around money that I may never receive or spend years trying to chase.
I’m scared. I’m pregnant, my income is intertwined with someone who is currently barely speaking to me, and I suddenly feel like I need to figure out how to rebuild my life and become completely financially independent while preparing to have a baby.
I know people will probably ask why I stayed or why I got pregnant. The answer is that he wasn’t awful all the time. There was another side of him that was loving, supportive and felt like family. I genuinely thought we were building a life together.
I’m not asking how to get him back. I think I need to start looking at the situation in front of me rather than the one I hoped I would have.
If you had to rebuild from this position, where would you start?
How would you protect your income when you share a business with the person you’re separating from? What practical things would you put in place before the baby arrives? And how do you get yourself from being frightened and financially dependent to feeling like your life belongs to you again?

How many weeks pregnant are you?

29 weeks. He was fine and supportive at first (it was an accident) but then he was getting angry and shouting and dragged me across the floor when I was around 17 weeks. I think the pressure of it got to him - I know, no excuse. When he did that I asked him to leave for 2 days as I needed space. He took it as an excuse to leave altogether. I have begged him to speak to me, he won’t. He spoke to me once since ghosting and said it was my fault for asking him to leave and that I had abused my power against him as it’s my flat. I said no, it’s because I was upset that you physically hurt me. He said yes because you act like a man?! I know all the behaviour I’m describing is abusive. I don’t have any family support, I’m very isolated. Worried about how I’m even more vulnerable when he’s not around as my ex will also have a field day. My ex has family and support I don’t. I just about rebuilt my life and now this. 90% of my relationship with this current guy has been amazing and magical. So why is he choosing this extreme route now? I’m so confused. He has never ghosted me before, we usually speak everyday multiple times and are very close and he’s been there for me when no one else was. We’re coming up to our 6 year anniversary

Hi op, sorry you're going through this. He sounds like a dick. Sending you strength. Not in order but some thoughts:

1. document everything
2. get copies of anything you can- financials, all of it
3. don't put him on the birth cert
4. speak to women's aid and FLOWS
5. speak to UC asap tomorrow claim SMP if you can (or whatever the minimum version of it is) and ask for a review

Just because he will ghost you now and pay nothing for his baby doesn't preclude, unfortunately, that he won't rear his ugly head a year from now and drag you through a custody battle.

I don't know what your situation is whether you are living together, or married, mortgage etc but get legal advice re: the business, personally I'd be prepared to walk away from the business and cut my losses financially and otherwise there. Just make sure your exit from the business is watertight as he might sabotage it and leave you liable for debts linked to it if he feels so inclined

The DA helpline are open 24hrs op. The bastard has left and you're so much better off and so is your baby Xx

Id also speak to citizens advice re: housing rights make sure your home is safe from any claim he might have to "home rights" I'd record the dragging while pg with the police via 101 and get a non-mol against him now, you can get one via the NCDA I think they are 24 hours.

Violence increases in pregnancy sadly op, these are his true colours, not the magic you see most of the time.

If you can find the freedom programme via your midwife it will really help you to be strong and keep this fucker out of your life. He's not safe for your baby, you or your other DC.

do you actually run a business together or do you help him with his business? Are you on any ownership documents?

Protect yourself, protect your baby. Him leaving was the biggest blessing in disguise.

The abuse is disgusting and abnormal. What if you lost your baby? Don’t let him near you to have that behaviour escalate. He may be trying to terminate your child.

The love for your child will be like no other you have felt before, and you will wonder what you ever saw in that terrible partner.

You don’t have family, but you have OPTIONS. He doesn’t need to be one of them. Find better people that are kind and good to include in your life.

Positive words of encouragement to yourself everyday. You’ll start believing it & become that person you want to be.

You are strong and can handle anything coming your way. You’ve got through 100% of bad days.

Reach out to support groups, tell your midwife about what’s going on & your GP. Good friends if you have them. Ask for help where you need it.

Find a job or start your own business. Apply for benefits…

Change the locks on your apt door & delete that man’s number

The flags were there all along and you chose to have a baby with a man who can't even be bothered to pay a decent amount for first child never mind see it.

Thanks everyone. You never think it’ll happen to you. You don’t realise it’s happening to you until it’s too late. You miss the good side of the person. And you wish they would change. It’s a genuinely confusing situation. And worse when you have no family and vulnerable. I agree the red flags were there in the beginning. Feeling very silly to be in this situation.

Really, I’m helping him but I do most of it. I know. I’m so silly.

He's a domestic abuser.

It's actually good he's done a bunk.

If he tries to come back, don't let him.

This is a good time to escape him, before your baby is born.

Well as they say, you won’t be the first women to find yourself in this situation and sadly you won’t be the last.

What I will tell you is that essentially he has given you a gift. You are well out of a relationship like that.

And I am here to tell you that you can start from absolutely nothing and find contentment. It will likely feel difficult some days but you won’t be walking on eggshells and you won’t be hurt. And nor will your baby.

It may feel like the end of the world but it isn’t.

You will get advice on how to proceed. Take it and don’t look back.

He’s sounds like a great person to have got pregnant by.

Abusive , shit father.
Now you’ve got no partner , no money and you’ll have to claim benefits for a couple of years.
Block him because he will reel you back in and then all your children will be in a an abusive relationship.
We can’t predict what sort of a father a man will be , but you already knew??? Angry , abusive , non paying and no contact with his other child. Why did you think he would be different this time ?
Poor kids.

So what exactly does this mean? I’m assuming you aren’t a co-director? If it’s just that he pays you, are you set up as an actual employee and paid through PAYE? Or does he just send you money sometimes?

I would see how to extricate myself from any connection to the business after you are paid anything you are currently owed. But assuming you have actually legitimately been working for him, you are due maternity allowance at the very least. I would get that sorted before causing too much of a flap. You want to make sure you are looked after once you have the baby. He obviously will not be doing it.

It’s probably unlikely you will get a job at this late stage before you are due, so I’d look to see what benefits you are eligible for. Get him out of your life and grab back some independence.

I think now the nursery entitlement starts from 9 months (baby, not pg obv) and you can get healthy start which helps (it's not much but every little helps)

Any school age children will become eligible for free school meals, it's worth applying for even if it's universal in KS1 because it can have other cost benefits, sometimes means you are the eligible for some activities in the summer holidays (there's usually a deadline for that funding so you'll have missed this one but might gets support for next year)

Keep going op. Ignore "helpful" comments about hindsight, it's always 20/20 and all you can really do is put all your strength into protecting yourself and the baby and DC from this guy. The women's aid forum can be a helpful place.

You're not alone x

Hang on this man dragged you across the floor when you were pregnant?!

You expose this man to your other kids?

He is not nice he’s an abusive arsehole and you need to understand that you are in sole control of who you bring into your children’s lives and family home

Your children needs a mother who will not expose their daily lives and home to a man who is absolutely dysfunctional and is that way because he was also once exposed to abuse - one day he was also just like an innocent child - until the abusive environment sewed its seeds in his psyche

That’s your children now - innocents

This is why social services are very interested and will remove children from mothers who are unwilling to prioritise their own children’s wellbeing over their own desires

£14 a month for his other child? I think there’s a very harsh lesson in here for you.

At best you’d be lucky if he ghosts you

There is no business together - time to claim benefits and move on or he comes back and you fail all the children

You won't necessarily need benefits for a couple of years. That poster was particularly negative. I kicked my daughter's dad out when she was 3 months old and I went back to work when she was 5 months. It wasn't easy but she's off to school in September. Plenty of women before you have managed and you will too. You'll be so much happier without that man.

This site is pure groundhog day

Once someone has physically assaulted you there is no going back. Keep him away from you and your children.

Are you actually employed by him, as in have a contract of employment, on the payroll getting payslips? If I were you, I would speak to Citizen's Advice about your financial situation and see if there's anything you can claim while pregnant and not working. I wouldn't bank on him paying regular CM when the time comes. If you have any financial documents that can prove his income or what he is taking from the business, that may help you.

I'm sorry you're in this position. He may have been perfect and magical when everything was going his way but he has sure shown his true colours now. Believe him. He's violent and if you give him the chance, he will be again. Keep away from him.

Thank goodness the flat is yours. You have a safe base there for you and your little ones.

You do most of the work on the business? Does that give you any extra earning potential? ie could you set up on your own using the knowledge you have acquired and/or bid for some of the customers? Or alternatively, if he needs your help moving forwards and contacts you, can you negotiate a hefty commission for your work? Need end of year tax return doing? An accountant would charge X an hour. I am prepared to do it for Y - up front, of course!

That’s what jumped out at you first?

First issue is safety… do you share your location with him at all? Ensure this is switched off.

Does he have a spare key to your place? If there is any chance consider getting the locks changed.

You need to work from the point of view that the relationship is over and he no longer has any of your interests at heart-even the nice guy persona he showed you sometimes.

Figure out how you can be independent. Get support from DA charities, financial advice from turn to us.

Can your midwife connect you with any support groups with other mums to be?

I imagine if feels so upside down and scary right now but from your description this is the exit from the relationship that you and children need. Take it and keep moving towards your own independence so you are never entirely dependent on a man again.

How does he pay you for this? What’s the arrangement? If you are an employee of his on his payroll, you could claim unfair dismissal due to a protected characteristic (pregnancy) if he in effect sacks / stops paying you.

Thanks all for the messages. I have taken on a client from the business this morning that I will have paid into my personal account, so that’s a good sign. I really needed these messages - even the harsh ones. Sometimes it can be easy (when you’re like me and have no family support) to think any support is better than none. It will be tough but I think I need to get out.

He actually messaged me today with regards to business matters as if I’m not even pregnant. He needs me to run things, he can’t do it alone and he is still paying me. I think just keep it amicable with him that way and don’t mention the pregnancy, and get on my feet silently in the background at the same time. As I’m not on any paperwork and we don’t have assets anyway, we make enough to cover costs each month it’s not a big business but it pays the bills, food and we can have holidays.

you really need legal advice on this op.

You don't want to leave a chink in the armour where he could say you poached his clients. I am not saying that is what you've done, I am just aware of how adverserial things can be framed when things turn nasty, which with men like this, they tend to.

You need to document absolutely everything. This has got "turns into an expensive legal mess" red flags all over it. Do not trust a thing he says. Assume everything he says is a lie or a trap. I sound insane but better safe than sorry.

Imho he is just using the business as the hook to keep you on a back burner.

If I know anything about dickheads, he's flounced off to another woman hes had wiating in the wings (sorry, total conjecture) but is playing a long game with you to keep his options open and/or abuse you and break down your boundaries.

You have to assume the worst, I think. Protect yourself, keep your distance and get legal advice. I would start with Citizen's Advice and FLOWS.