Am I unreasonable to want affection/touch only when it is invited?

[gingersnaps99]

Today there was a situation with my DH and I am questioning and both our views. For context LTR of over 30 years. We had dinner in the garden (I had cooked if that is relevant?) He finishes his before me and gets up and wanders down the end of the garden. He then comes back and says to me "there's something on your neck" and starts kissing my neck in quite a sexual way (not invited at all - I am still eating). He sees that I am not responding and comments, and I say it's a bit weird, as I am eating. He then throws he cutlery across the garden and stops off saying "i won't fucking do it anymore then". He has a tendency to touch me when I feel it is obviously not invited. With the hot weather I would like to sleep in just knickers - but he would be touching me all the time. It has not been the first time he has gone off on one because I haven't responded to this. He goes through phasing of trying to kiss my neck several times a day at points. I am not a prude, we have a very good sex life - it's just that I don't want that stuff coming at me all the time. We talked later and he said he had done nothing wrong and was just being affectionate. I ended up apologising - but don't feel I should have to as I have the right to consent or not to touch, and even though he said "just tell me if you are not feeling it" - I had and that was his reaction. I know that he is feeling a bit vunerable and "old" at the moment becuase of a health thing (hes's mid 50's - totally not old), but I have spend too many years tiptoeing around his moods. He then spent the evening making little "poor old me, you don't fancy me" type comments. I can see he is reaching out for attention - but this victim or entitlement (to me) approach just makes me want to get as far away as possible. I don't know how to manage this sensitively without abandoning my feelings.

When men post using a female name it’s really obvious. Because only a certain sort of man bleats about not knowing when it’s ok and when it’s not.

It always baffles me how men can't see that going in a strop and having a toddler tantrum because you're not in the.mood is 100% not going to suddenly make you want sex

He enjoys violating your dignity and peace. He enjoys picking fights about it. He enjoys making you grovel and apologise.

He is a low key sadist.

What, you wish your husband would have a tantrum because you aren't in the mood for sex in the middle of eating dinner? Which is what happened for OP

Sex pests don’t care whether you want sex or not. They want sex, and that’s all that matters. Anyone else’s desire or otherwise is totally irrelevant.

True. And it's scary just how many men are like that from reading the posts on here

The first actions of affection - i see nothing wrong with that at all.

He finished his dinner. She was still eating and that's not the time to be nuzzling her neck. Let the woman finish her damn dinner in peace! He threw his silverware and stomped off because she wanted to eat her dinner without his head on her neck. That's coercive. She was supposed to stop eating dinner because he wanted her to. Fuck that.

I really don't believe anyone would enjoy having their panties pulled down when they're trying to cook dinner. Pantsing is so fucking immature. And doing it when she could burn herself?

OP has the right to say no to any contact she doesn't want.

It's the throwing of cutlery that would mean the probable end of the relationship, for me.

Before the Marital rape law was changed it wasn't considered that rape happened in marriage, by consenting to wed a woman was deemed to have consented to sex with her DH on any and all occasions. Sometimes reading these threads I think some men still have the old mindset, they're happy to tantrum and weedle to try and force their DW to give in to sex, they think it's consent even if they have to grope and badger for days.
Your DH needs a lesson in the meaning of consent Op

Wonder what the health issue OP mentions as may be relevant

Your husband is vile!

My DH literally has no urges or impulses of this kind! Maybe once a year at best. I've gotten used to it. He would definitely be you in this scenario. Funny who we end up with!

My husband will come and kiss me or hug me at random times. I love it and that’s the fundamental difference. If I didn’t want him to, he’d stop.

You wish your DH pulled your knickers down while you're cooking?

OP remind your 'D'H that it became illegal to rape and sexually assault your wife in 1991, "I am your husband" is no longer a defence.

@gingersnaps99 I thought kissing you on the neck when you're in the middle of a meal was a bit odd and certainly not to everyone's taste. But repeatedly pulling your knickers down when you've asked him not to is assault. And his "insecurity" is quite frankly pathetic man child stuff. He's obviously a sex pest and sees you as his own personal sex doll. You need to remove yourself from this.

One partner initiating touch without a clear invitation from the other or previous verbal discussion is natural in a lot of relationships, maybe the default - but he seems not to be able to read clues or understand and remember what you do or don't like or use common sense. Or he just doesn't care about anything except what HE wants.

The fact that he overreacts (gets angry, throws cutlery, swears, says he'll never touch you again) and tries to shame you for saying no/not now - so much so that you've even apologised! - suggests that he doesn't understand or respect consent. Obviously you should be able to sleep in what's comfortable for you and should only have to tell him once at most that you don't want to be touched sexually right now.

I have spend too many years tiptoeing around his moods. Does he tiptoe around yours? I know any relationship is a lot more complex than can be covered in a thread, but based on what you HAVE said here, it seems like the respect and consideration are mostly flowing one way.

We talked later and he said he had done nothing wrong and was just being affectionate. He HAS done something wrong - he has persisted in touching and kissing you and attempting to take your clothes off after you have clearly said "no", even in the context of an ongoing conversation about how his behaviour is experienced by you as intrusive.

He went through a phase (a few years ago now) of pulling my knickers down whilst I a was cooking. I repeatedly told him I didn't like it but he was very dismissive " I'm only having fun" "I am your husband". But why SHOULD he have (his unique and frankly kind of an odd combo of childish and rapey idea of) "fun" at the expense of your comfort, dignity, and well-being? WHY does he THINK he should? Why are his amusement and his wants more important that your feeling comfortable and safe in your own body and in your own home?