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Relationships

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Am I unreasonable to want affection/touch only when it is invited?

42 replies

gingersnaps99 · 05/08/2026 23:00

Today there was a situation with my DH and I am questioning and both our views. For context LTR of over 30 years. We had dinner in the garden (I had cooked if that is relevant?) He finishes his before me and gets up and wanders down the end of the garden. He then comes back and says to me "there's something on your neck" and starts kissing my neck in quite a sexual way (not invited at all - I am still eating). He sees that I am not responding and comments, and I say it's a bit weird, as I am eating. He then throws he cutlery across the garden and stops off saying "i won't fucking do it anymore then". He has a tendency to touch me when I feel it is obviously not invited. With the hot weather I would like to sleep in just knickers - but he would be touching me all the time. It has not been the first time he has gone off on one because I haven't responded to this. He goes through phasing of trying to kiss my neck several times a day at points. I am not a prude, we have a very good sex life - it's just that I don't want that stuff coming at me all the time. We talked later and he said he had done nothing wrong and was just being affectionate. I ended up apologising - but don't feel I should have to as I have the right to consent or not to touch, and even though he said "just tell me if you are not feeling it" - I had and that was his reaction. I know that he is feeling a bit vunerable and "old" at the moment becuase of a health thing (hes's mid 50's - totally not old), but I have spend too many years tiptoeing around his moods. He then spent the evening making little "poor old me, you don't fancy me" type comments. I can see he is reaching out for attention - but this victim or entitlement (to me) approach just makes me want to get as far away as possible. I don't know how to manage this sensitively without abandoning my feelings.

OP posts:
livelovelough24 · 05/08/2026 23:38

I would like to warn you that you may get all kinds of responses to this. There are people who genuinely love this kind of physical affection and see it as a sign of closeness from their partner. For them, dismissing it can feel hurtful or even damaging to their self‑esteem and the relationship.

That said, I can tell you that I absolutely hated it when my ex used to do it. All the unwanted attention, touching, and grabbing while I was cooking, washing dishes, drove me crazy. He would put his hand on my thigh or the back of my neck during visits to my sister and brother‑in‑law, and I would often push it away. He’d get upset every time.

The thing is, they may not mean anything wrong by it; for some people, it’s simply a way of showing desire or affection, but I believe everyone has the right to set a boundary and say, “No, I don’t like this" and a partner shouldn’t get upset about that.

Boreded · 05/08/2026 23:40

I think there is nothing wrong with him displaying affection, but there is absolutely something wrong with him being offended when you tell him no.

i also think that if he knows you aren’t keen then he should have worked it out after the first time or two and just stopped trying to do it in the first place.

he doesn’t seem to respect boundaries or you. 💐

sweetpickle2 · 05/08/2026 23:42

No wonder you don’t want him touching you, what an immature little creep.

Its fine to try and touch or kiss your partner, but the second they’re not into it you shut it down- you don’t strip about it or make them feel like they have to apologise, that’s abusive.

FannyCraddocksPantry · 06/08/2026 03:06

I would love for my husband to show this level of interest.

It's maddening how we end up with people fundamentally incompatible with each other

whippersnapper55 · 06/08/2026 03:07

I don't think it's unusual to touch your partner without asking consent every single time but to start kissing your neck while you're eating a meal is odd and I'm not surprised you didn't like it! His reaction was way over the top, he sounds really childish. You didn't do anything wrong and didn't need to apologise. If the unwanted touching is a problem for you, then you need to tell him. I don't mind affectionate touching but being grabbed or groped in definitely a no-no!

whippersnapper55 · 06/08/2026 03:09

FannyCraddocksPantry · 06/08/2026 03:06

I would love for my husband to show this level of interest.

It's maddening how we end up with people fundamentally incompatible with each other

Would you like your husband to throw things and swear at you because you asked him to stop kissing your neck when you're in the middle of eating a meal? Because that's what OP got and I'm pretty sure she isn't happy about it. Just another man and his fragile ego!

Topseyt123 · 06/08/2026 03:17

I would have managed it very insensitively and told him to bugger off.

I wouldn't have apologised either. You are entitled to your own boundaries.

MyDpsanarse · 06/08/2026 05:07

If he'd timed it better you might have reacted differently but in the middle of your dinner is a weird choice. I wouldn't apologise Op, throwing things down the garden because you weren't interested is childish, not sexy.

Mysticguru · 06/08/2026 06:13

First thing that strikes me is that after 30+ years together this is now becoming an issue. His outburst is totally OTT but I can see his confusion if this is a new behaviour from yourself.
The obvious answer is to talk and for him to understand what your boundaries are.

Arrivederla · 06/08/2026 06:26

Mysticguru · 06/08/2026 06:13

First thing that strikes me is that after 30+ years together this is now becoming an issue. His outburst is totally OTT but I can see his confusion if this is a new behaviour from yourself.
The obvious answer is to talk and for him to understand what your boundaries are.

Where do you get the idea that this is a new behaviour from the op?

He has a tendency to touch me when I feel it is obviously not invited

It has not been the first time he has gone off on one because I haven't responded to this.

but I have spend too many years tiptoeing around his moods

The dh has obviously been behaving in an entitled and coercive way for years, and when the op has called him out he's thrown stuff about in a tantrum.

Stop defending him for God's sake!

Mysticguru · 06/08/2026 06:30

It has not been the first time he has gone off on one because I haven't responded to this.

So a change in behaviour then!!

Arrivederla · 06/08/2026 06:45

Mysticguru · 06/08/2026 06:30

It has not been the first time he has gone off on one because I haven't responded to this.

So a change in behaviour then!!

Not a change in behaviour!!

She has responded like this before and he has 'gone off on one' before!

Mysticguru · 06/08/2026 06:56

Arrivederla · 06/08/2026 06:45

Not a change in behaviour!!

She has responded like this before and he has 'gone off on one' before!

So, in your perception this showing of affection, refusal by OP and him going off on one has been common through 30+ years of their relationship.
I would suggest to you that if OP had put boundaries in place in year one of this 30+ LTR that this conversation wouldn't be happening.

Sorry to derail OP.

Arrivederla · 06/08/2026 07:03

Mysticguru · 06/08/2026 06:56

So, in your perception this showing of affection, refusal by OP and him going off on one has been common through 30+ years of their relationship.
I would suggest to you that if OP had put boundaries in place in year one of this 30+ LTR that this conversation wouldn't be happening.

Sorry to derail OP.

What on earth are you talking about? Why are you suggesting things to me and not the op?

I would suggest to you that you read the op more carefully in the first place and then you wouldn't be in this muddle.

AltitudeCheck · 06/08/2026 07:04

Is it the sexual aspect (expectation it will lead somewhere) or the feeling of being pounced on that irritates you most? For me it went from cute but mildly annoying when OH made a grab to 'stop fucking touching me' when I was menopausal... I'm through the worst of it and can respond with a bit more grace/ humour now!

Cherrysoup · 06/08/2026 08:33

So he’s a sex pest (insecure, by any chance?). I had this early on in my relationship and I got very upset after which it stopped. Not every touch needs to lead to sex. Kisses and touches in passing is fine, pestering is not.

Justanopinionnothingmore · 06/08/2026 11:27

I'd say I love that you are affectionate but when I state I was eating the way you responded wasn't on. Don't throw a fit when I say no, that is what consent is for. I aren't rejecting you, it's about appropriateness. If I am eating then I aren't inviting you for sexual touching. Ask me if I'd like to and we can progress from there.

I am really unhappy though op about the way he reacted when you told him no, you're eating. I would be really put off by someone who thought it was okay to do that especially when you have a healthy sex life. You are not his doll.

He clearly felt rejected and was sulking about that which is unattractive. But it's not like you reject on the regular either. Tell him it's about right time and right place. And that wasnt it.

He needs to learn how to communicate and I would also tell him when and if okay. If he can't do that then get rid of him as he is not thinking of you as your own person. It's revolting really.

gingersnaps99 · 06/08/2026 11:53

To add a bit more context to some of the comments - this has been an ongoing (but not constant) issue in our relationship. He went through a phase (a few years ago now) of pulling my knickers down whilst I a was cooking. I repeatedly told him I didn't like it but he was very dismissive " I'm only having fun" "I am your husband". What makes it harder is if I brought this up now he claims to have zero memory of anything in the past. I like affection (little kisses, hugs, even a cheeky bum pinch) - but he doesn't then understand that other things are too much and he is not entitled to do them at whim. This morning he keeps saying "i did nothing wrong" "don't reject me". I know he is feeling insecure, an I have sympathy for that I should still be able to have boundaries and not feel guilt tripped or get sulking behaviour and throwing things around.

OP posts:
Onceuponatime32 · 06/08/2026 12:12

He went through a phase (a few years ago now) of pulling my knickers down whilst I a was cooking. I repeatedly told him I didn't like it but he was very dismissive " I'm only having fun" "I am your husband".

That is really really disgusting of him.

ForTipsyFinch · 06/08/2026 12:19

gingersnaps99 · 06/08/2026 11:53

To add a bit more context to some of the comments - this has been an ongoing (but not constant) issue in our relationship. He went through a phase (a few years ago now) of pulling my knickers down whilst I a was cooking. I repeatedly told him I didn't like it but he was very dismissive " I'm only having fun" "I am your husband". What makes it harder is if I brought this up now he claims to have zero memory of anything in the past. I like affection (little kisses, hugs, even a cheeky bum pinch) - but he doesn't then understand that other things are too much and he is not entitled to do them at whim. This morning he keeps saying "i did nothing wrong" "don't reject me". I know he is feeling insecure, an I have sympathy for that I should still be able to have boundaries and not feel guilt tripped or get sulking behaviour and throwing things around.

That is repulsive.

He doesn’t seem to have any respect for you, and is a sex pest.

outerspacepotato · 06/08/2026 12:36

He went through a phase (a few years ago now) of pulling my knickers down whilst I a was cooking. I repeatedly told him I didn't like it but he was very dismissive " I'm only having fun" "I am your husband". What makes it harder is if I brought this up now he claims to have zero memory of anything in the past.

He enjoys doing things you don't enjoy. He did it while you were cooking and your attention should be on what you were doing so you don't get hurt, not him. Pulling your panties down, fucking disgusting.

He's a misogynistic coercive sex pest who doesn't think you have the right to body autonomy. He feels entitled to use your body how he pleases whether you like it or not because he's your husbnd. He's gaslighting you saying he doesn't remember. He's coercive because he gets mad and tantrums when you show or say you don't like what he's doing.

You can sit down with him and set some boundaries, but he's not going to listen. He's an abusive sex pest who gaslights and dismisses your feelings.

His fun is doing things he knows you don't enjoy.

orangehandles · 06/08/2026 12:38

If he thinks your body belongs to him and he can grope you whenever he feels like it, yanbu.

Onceuponatime32 · 06/08/2026 13:53

What else is going on op? Where one type of abuse happening there are often others.

I divorced my ex husband because of his sexual abuse.

Justanopinionnothingmore · 06/08/2026 14:10

gingersnaps99 · 06/08/2026 11:53

To add a bit more context to some of the comments - this has been an ongoing (but not constant) issue in our relationship. He went through a phase (a few years ago now) of pulling my knickers down whilst I a was cooking. I repeatedly told him I didn't like it but he was very dismissive " I'm only having fun" "I am your husband". What makes it harder is if I brought this up now he claims to have zero memory of anything in the past. I like affection (little kisses, hugs, even a cheeky bum pinch) - but he doesn't then understand that other things are too much and he is not entitled to do them at whim. This morning he keeps saying "i did nothing wrong" "don't reject me". I know he is feeling insecure, an I have sympathy for that I should still be able to have boundaries and not feel guilt tripped or get sulking behaviour and throwing things around.

Ugh this gets worse. Seriously bin him.

He has absolutely no problem crossing sexual boundaries. Pulling your knickers down? Jesus H Christ.

Justaquestionplease · 06/08/2026 14:12

FannyCraddocksPantry · 06/08/2026 03:06

I would love for my husband to show this level of interest.

It's maddening how we end up with people fundamentally incompatible with each other

Same...I wish my DH did stuff like this

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