Am I wasting my time with a separated partner not moving forward?

[Novembermummy88]

Im really looking for some perspective before I start loosing my sanity….

Seperated from my husband last spring, and met someone new at work a couple of months later. New partner was also recently separated, we had been friends prior but genuinely no flirting etc before either had separated. We got very close very quickly, and now spend a lot of time together, talk about the future, tells me he loves me etc. our relationship is essentially perfect and I really see a future with him.

However, whilst he’s had many conversations with his ex about proceeding with the divorce, and submitted it online, he hasn’t made any official movements financially with a solicitor or mediator (for context he rents a property separately now and he has his kids there every other weekend). I feel he is really dragging his heels as he feels his ex will be difficult. She definitely pulls a lot of cards and he seems to do a lot of extra school runs etc to keep her “content” (due to logistics the three school run mornings he does results in him going in their shared house three mornings a week). He hasn’t told her he’s seeing me - unfortunately she works in a closely connected company and our company would see our relationship as inappropriate. When I talk about telling our kids we are an item etc he is dragging his heels - clearly to avoid telling the ex. He’s very concerned about her telling people at our work. He’s actively looking for a new role in our company that would mean our relationship is no longer “inappropriate”.

I am starting to get very frustrated with our lack of moving forward - he seems so concerned about his ex and is not making much progress on financially separating from her / setting boundaries in their childcare arrangements.

Am I wasting my time in this relationship? I really want to move forward and have a “normal” healthy relationship now.

I think he’s acting responsibly, also you shouldn’t be rushing to introduce your children. I get it must be a bit lonely but you’ve literally just got divorced. You need to slow your roll.

And yes he is going to have to deal with his ex and his children, it’s his responsibility, they used to be a family, you don’t want any man who neglects any of that because one day it could be you on the receiving end of it. He should be actively involved with his children's lives, they are his children and should come before you. I wouldn’t out any man before my kids, he sounds like he’s trying to keep everyone haply including you, don’t make it harder.

Honestly I really question your judgement and priorities after reading all your posts. This relationship could put your job at risk. Why would you do that to your kids?

There’s no mention of them or how they are feeling or would feel about your relationship.

I think you should end it so that you can both focus on what should be your priorities in life and that’s the DC who have no say in this but will be tremendously impacted.

If you want to move forward with your life keeping your job and income would help with that.

You have DC to consider. If your fears about your work’s dating policy on suppliers or whatever it is are founded, massive fuck up to risk your job and income for a new man. Who you imply does not have the same risks.

That aside, if you agree to date someone in secret from his wife and DC, that means limitations on your relationship now and . that talk of the future is just talk. Many of us wouldn’t want that.

Alarm bells are ringing with the 'he needs to keep her content' thing.
Maybe she's just standing her ground on him being an active, engaged part of his kids upbringing rather than an every other weekend dad? And if he's taken that as her being demanding, thats also a red flag as it means he wouldnt be doing that stuff off his own back....
Also, him dragging his heels because he feels his ex will be difficult reeks of a man who hasnt done any research about how divorce settlements actually work (ie a judge decides whats fair) or worse, he has done his research and knows that she is (as is her legal right) entitled to a fair share of marital assets. Its amazing how many men claim their ex wife 'rinsed' them in the divorce when in reality they both got a fair deal, its just that the man never bothered learning what signing up to a marriage contract entails and assumed she would compromise her career and/or do 90% of childcare and he would walk away with everything he deemed 'his'....
Look, I could be totally off. But never trust a man who makes his ex out to be 'crazy'. Even the ones who do it in subtle ways.

If he agrees with your understanding of the risk you face at work and happy for you to take the risk, and is lying about being in a relationship to his (ex but still married) wife, he’s not ‘perfect’.

It sounds like you resent him doing school runs for his kids. That's not a great attitude to have if you're hoping to blend families. It's actually a good thing that he's an involved father.

Why aren't you looking for a new job or transfer to another department as well? If you leave it up to him to resolve, then you don't have any control over it. If things don't work out you'd probably be better moving roles anyway

You sound desperate to blend your families. Your one and only priority having split from their father are your children. Remember that.

Am I wasting my time in this relationship?
Yes.

It wasn't a good idea in the first place to get involved

1. before either of you divorced officially
2. so soon after separating

Now you're stuck in the mess of a relationship. He's not going to move forward until his kids are old enough to make their own decisions independently from their mother.

The issue seems to be down to your work more than his ex so, until one of you can move to another job, he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he tells his wife, she tells work and he loses his job he will be in a whole world of pain so to be honest I can't blame him. Given that you got together with him so soon after both your marriages broke down, I think you need to give him a bit of time to get things in order before he starts fighting her in a divorce. My friend's divorce has been going on for nearly 3 years now so he really needs to be in a good place to start down that road and will need his income as well.

I would be moved from my role immediately - probably to something very mundane or poor pay if we were found out. If he can find a new role at work (it’s a large company) our relationship won’t be an issue.

So currently, your relationship would be seen as inappropriate and cost you your job or moved to a shitty one and he might loose him.

This is a no brainer. I would stop this relationship right now. You've both got other really important things you need to be concentrating on like getting divorced, dealing your kids' emotions about that, finding new places to live, plus it would fuck with your livelihoods if found out. You can get back together once you have your lives more settled. Instead, you're rushing when you should be pulling back.

I could just see my stbexH and his mistress saying this, loooooool.

He’s got reason to be cautious & a lot to lose if he doesn’t do things in a sensible manner, which unfortunately does take time. He appears to be committed to you as much as he can for now. If you can be patient, I’ve a feeling it’ll pay off for you in the long run.

@JuRoo is on point.

You need to slow right down.
You’re really not being logically minded about the situation at all.

Work aside this sounds like another blended family nightmare!

Sounds like you both jumped into things quickly after your separations and now you're keen to get more bogged down in the relationship with him despite his baggage.

I'd be single for a while instead tbh, why are you so desperate to be in a relationship