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Original poster

Am I wasting my time with a separated partner not moving forward?

65 replies

Novembermummy88 · 05/08/2026 18:26

Im really looking for some perspective before I start loosing my sanity….

Seperated from my husband last spring, and met someone new at work a couple of months later. New partner was also recently separated, we had been friends prior but genuinely no flirting etc before either had separated. We got very close very quickly, and now spend a lot of time together, talk about the future, tells me he loves me etc. our relationship is essentially perfect and I really see a future with him.

However, whilst he’s had many conversations with his ex about proceeding with the divorce, and submitted it online, he hasn’t made any official movements financially with a solicitor or mediator (for context he rents a property separately now and he has his kids there every other weekend). I feel he is really dragging his heels as he feels his ex will be difficult. She definitely pulls a lot of cards and he seems to do a lot of extra school runs etc to keep her “content” (due to logistics the three school run mornings he does results in him going in their shared house three mornings a week). He hasn’t told her he’s seeing me - unfortunately she works in a closely connected company and our company would see our relationship as inappropriate. When I talk about telling our kids we are an item etc he is dragging his heels - clearly to avoid telling the ex. He’s very concerned about her telling people at our work. He’s actively looking for a new role in our company that would mean our relationship is no longer “inappropriate”.

I am starting to get very frustrated with our lack of moving forward - he seems so concerned about his ex and is not making much progress on financially separating from her / setting boundaries in their childcare arrangements.

Am I wasting my time in this relationship? I really want to move forward and have a “normal” healthy relationship now.

OP posts:
ElectricSnail · 05/08/2026 19:16

Slow down. Enjoy what you have with him for now. You’re barely out of one relationship, learn to enjoy your own company when you’re not with him. It’s a bit early to be trying to blend families and do ‘family things.’ How will his and your kids feel about this so soon. It sounds like he’s not wrong and if he tells his ex it might blow up in your face if it impacts your work.

Original poster
Novembermummy88 · 05/08/2026 19:16

Thanks everyone for your perspective. He talks about the future a lot but I’m starting to worry it’s just “talk” or whether I’m being impatient. It seems a lot of people think I’m being impatient / need to take a step back.

OP posts:
CamillaMcCauley · 05/08/2026 19:24

Novembermummy88 · 05/08/2026 19:16

Thanks everyone for your perspective. He talks about the future a lot but I’m starting to worry it’s just “talk” or whether I’m being impatient. It seems a lot of people think I’m being impatient / need to take a step back.

It should be just talk at this stage! Your whole relationship seems to be on fast-forward.

You’re both barely a year out of marriages, in a relationship deemed inappropriate by your work (no need for “scare quotes”, there will be good reasons that it is considered inappropriate) and you’re wanting to race forward with a blended family, which is a massive thing for children!

Personally I wouldn’t even consider blending a family until I was at least three or four years into a relationship and absolutely certain of its compatibility and stability. It’s a huge huge thing for kids to deal with.

I think you could do with some counseling to work through your desire to rush back into “family life”. The hard fact is your family life is over. Your family broke apart. You can’t replace it with a slapped-together “new” version with a different dad figure. This is a tough truth and you need time to accept and grieve it before you consider what a different kind of life can be. You have barely given yourself time to catch your breath.

Pssedoffathis · 05/08/2026 19:34

Omg this is all so soon, he could end up back together with his wife after such a short break, I really think you need to slow this down a huge amount. Not least your jobs and incomes are at risk over this relationship which at the moment could still be classed as a fling or rebound. Take a step back and find yourself and go very slow. Kids are involved too which means there should not be any fast moves and both of you should be concentrating on your own kids so soon after a separation anyway.

AnonAnonmystery · 05/08/2026 21:16

pikkumyy77 · 05/08/2026 19:03

You do realize how inappropriate it would be to e to mush two families together so fast, don’t you?

And selfish too. No consideration for kids. They don’t need mums partner in their life right now, see him when you don’t have your kids ( that is how most divorced women date). I have been doing this for 6 years, I like my space and to focus on dc when they are with me.

OneShyQuail · 06/08/2026 09:43

Novembermummy88 · 05/08/2026 19:16

Thanks everyone for your perspective. He talks about the future a lot but I’m starting to worry it’s just “talk” or whether I’m being impatient. It seems a lot of people think I’m being impatient / need to take a step back.

You need to be on your own, evenings and christmas! Fulfilling yourself not relying on another to do so.
You are not "on your own" you have your children and family/friends.

It would be far better for you to do these things rather than rush yourself and your children into a car crash relationship.

The first Christmas alone/birthdays/holidays are tough but the more you do you realise you can do it then comes the enjoyment.
I was single for 4 years before I met my DP. One of the reasons our relationship is so strong is because I am a different person to the one who was a year post split. I cant imagine how our relationship would be if I was that person but I was a mess!

Tuesdayschild50 · 07/08/2026 19:28

I don't think he is dragging his heels he is getting divorced its stressful .. I think you're in too much of a rush.
Just relax he is protecting your jobs aswell which you both need imagine if that went wrong you'd have no relationship then.
Just chill do things the right way why the rush.

Tuesdayschild50 · 07/08/2026 19:31

mtobrokeme · 05/08/2026 18:39

I’m not sure that I see the problem in him going to collect his children from his children’s home that I am assuming he owns? They’re not ‘extra’ school runs either, that’s his job no?

Can I ask what the rush is? I mean that kindly, genuinely. You’ve not been together very long, you both have primary aged children so I’m assuming you’re not even close to introducing him to your kids. If he’s present in every other aspect then what’s the issue? When it’s been a longer period of time then yes, he should be telling her that you’re together but why can’t you both just enjoy it for what it is until there’s a bit more longevity?

💯 agree

Tuesdayschild50 · 07/08/2026 19:38

You say in some of your replys you're fed up of spending nights alone thats not reason enough to chance losing your jobs or changing to different roles.
The kids are so young on both sides.
Just enjoy his company make new friends stsrt doing new things it doesn't have to revolve around a man..by learning to be alone at times it makes for a stronger you .

Dilemma999 · 07/08/2026 19:40

I think you’re rushing things too, understandably as he sounds like a good man. You both have young kids so you really need to slow it down. Let him get the job at your company.

You sound a bit jealous of him going into his old house? You’ll need to get over this as there’ll be lots of occasions where they might need to come together as a family. He won’t like if if you start telling him when and where he can see his kids and it won’t be fair on them. It’s right that they come first.

Take a step back and trust that it’ll be ok.

LHP118 · 07/08/2026 20:02

Novembermummy88 · 05/08/2026 18:26

Im really looking for some perspective before I start loosing my sanity….

Seperated from my husband last spring, and met someone new at work a couple of months later. New partner was also recently separated, we had been friends prior but genuinely no flirting etc before either had separated. We got very close very quickly, and now spend a lot of time together, talk about the future, tells me he loves me etc. our relationship is essentially perfect and I really see a future with him.

However, whilst he’s had many conversations with his ex about proceeding with the divorce, and submitted it online, he hasn’t made any official movements financially with a solicitor or mediator (for context he rents a property separately now and he has his kids there every other weekend). I feel he is really dragging his heels as he feels his ex will be difficult. She definitely pulls a lot of cards and he seems to do a lot of extra school runs etc to keep her “content” (due to logistics the three school run mornings he does results in him going in their shared house three mornings a week). He hasn’t told her he’s seeing me - unfortunately she works in a closely connected company and our company would see our relationship as inappropriate. When I talk about telling our kids we are an item etc he is dragging his heels - clearly to avoid telling the ex. He’s very concerned about her telling people at our work. He’s actively looking for a new role in our company that would mean our relationship is no longer “inappropriate”.

I am starting to get very frustrated with our lack of moving forward - he seems so concerned about his ex and is not making much progress on financially separating from her / setting boundaries in their childcare arrangements.

Am I wasting my time in this relationship? I really want to move forward and have a “normal” healthy relationship now.

No.

It sounds like he's taking steps as he needs to within the short timeframe. He's evidently safeguarding your jobs and your relationship for the long-term.

Why would you wish to have everything upended rather than being patient and work alongside to a realistic timeline.

wellstopdoingitthen · 07/08/2026 22:43

Ibwah · 05/08/2026 18:33

I would just take a break from this relationship until the ex wife thing and employment thing is sorted. He’s not going anywhere but I would just say that you need more and until he can, just stop it altogether.

This

Pessismistic · 08/08/2026 00:18

Hi op maybe firstly he sorts his job out as you could jeopardise both your jobs why risk this. His ex might be a problem that you can’t move on from but until work is sorted you’re pushing too hard. Once work is sorted you could then suggest moving on. If she is one of these women who use the kids as pawns then your relationship might not carry on if he’s good to you why not play it by ear it’s not like your going to move in together.

Dontwanttheseboobies · 08/08/2026 00:26

OP, after years in a similar situation I am
now married and DH is still constantly trying to mollify the ex and it drives me mad. There’s been points it’s made me very miserable and I have regrets. If your hasn’t even started the process yet then it could take years. It took three years for my DH and his ex to agree their financial settlement. Whatever you do - do not live with him, marry him or get any financial commitments with him until his financial settlement is done and he has a clean break order. Learnt that one the hard way!!

Iwillcomeouttheotherend · 08/08/2026 00:28

skelter83 · 05/08/2026 19:03

This very much sounds like he’s just being a parent. He should be doing the school runs too - it speaks highly of him that he’s not just leaving the ex to cope with all of that. It also sounds like he’s being really sensible with the job and work situation you’re both in.

I guess you have to work out whether you’re happy to take it at a slower pace. Ultimately, his children should come first and that will mean for primary children, probably quite a lot of contact with his ex.

I agree.
A very good male friend of mine, his wife had an affair. (She’s no longer with affair partner, it didn’t last)
Friend split with his wife.
They’ve been separated a number of years now.
They had young children.
Absolutely zero chance of them ever getting back together. They are not divorced yet.
They have amicably managed finances/ care etc for the children between them. They communicate well around care and costs for the kids.
Male fried is not pushing for divorce as he believes he will end up with a better/fairer deal if she’s the one driving and wanting the divorce (it’s complicated with assets and properties owned)
Chances are that she will be the one to initiate divorce (she now has a long term serious partner)
I can understand why he’s not pushing for the divorce.
All situations are very different.

Yennefer17 · 08/08/2026 00:59

Yes, you are wasting your time. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

rwalker · 08/08/2026 03:38

You sound like your on the rebound
slow down
seems stupid to announce it knowing it will cause problems sort that then announce it

its very early days and ultimately he will be trying to keep his ex sweet if he suspects she’ll be difficult or weaponise the kids

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 08/08/2026 04:03

He sounds as though he is stringing you along as he doesn't have anyone to support him. You are very convenient .

Sorry but he is not for you.
Get rid of him pronto.

99bottlesofkombucha · 08/08/2026 04:09

Novembermummy88 · 05/08/2026 18:44

Thanks for reply. I’m genuinely looking for perspective as maybe I’m being impatient / unfair on him. He’s actually very very good to me - by far the nicest a man has ever looked after me.

I would be moved from my role immediately - probably to something very mundane or poor pay if we were found out. If he can find a new role at work (it’s a large company) our relationship won’t be an issue.

I have NO issue with him doing school runs - I don’t like him going into “their” house so much though and it’s mainly that she does call the shoots, he seems to jump higher to keep her “content” which I think he hopes will mean she is more kind as they go through the divorce (she won’t be, and even his mum has told him that).

for context, he’s introduced me to his whole family many times, they are lovely, literally the only people that don’t know about us are his ex and work….

Show quote history

You have to wait until he finds a role. Only an idiot would jeopardise your or his jobs surely.

sillylittlerabbit · 08/08/2026 04:24

It sounds like you are using him to replace the gap left by your marriage. You can’t rush a new relationship just because you don’t like the thought of Xmas this year.
Your kids deserve your undivided attention - a separation can be very hard for them.
I think you’re prioritising your discomfort at no longer being a ‘family’ over their need to feel safe. You have family
tine with your kids :-), family time to them is not going to be hanging out with a strange man who isn’t their dad. Not for a long time.
And the fact you’re pushing for this when both of your jobs would immediately be at risk shows you’re really not thinking about this rationally.
I agree with others, ideally you would have more time being single first. He’s not a substitute husband and dad.

CurlewKate · 08/08/2026 05:44

Is needing to keep her “content” the new way of saying “ I have a psycho ex”?

Zippedydoobaah · 08/08/2026 05:56

Wow OP, you need to slow down. You aren't that long separated from your dc's father and you are desperate to move things along and do family things. You need to be content with your own "family" for now, your DC need time to adjust, not be thrown into a blended family situation because you don't want to be alone at night. You've only been in the relationship for one year and you're annoyed he hasn't got a divorce yet. Are you hoping to get married ASAP? I think taking things down a gear would be wise all around.

Zippedydoobaah · 08/08/2026 06:01

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 08/08/2026 04:03

He sounds as though he is stringing you along as he doesn't have anyone to support him. You are very convenient .

Sorry but he is not for you.
Get rid of him pronto.

To be fair he is only out of his marriage one year. Most people in that time are very much still adjusting, not planning weddings or committing to anyone else. I thinks it's OP who is wanting too much too fast. She's dreading Xmas with her kids, that's very sad.

ItsAllSoUnfair · 08/08/2026 07:02

I am divorced with DC & had a couple of long term relationships since. It’s hard as I understand not wanting to be alone of a evening but I learnt to get everything done while I had the kids and they were in bed so the nights I’m with my DP/boyfriend can be a proper date night where we focus on each other. I’ve had parts of Christmas (completely) on my own which is hard but better that than pushing the DC together when they don’t want to & due to logistics with ex but again due to focusing on what the DC want.
Saying that though, as my user name suggests, sometimes it does bug me that things aren’t easier as a divorced mum. Maybe I put others first too much. Even if YOU want to move forward, objectively that doesn’t seem the best idea for your DC & the work situation at the moment.

Snoken · 08/08/2026 07:05

He’s doing everything right. He’s trying to keep his relationship as amicable as possible with his children’s mother (that’s in his kids best interest), he’s trying to sort out a new job so that you don’t end up being removed from your role (that’s in your best interest) and he’s trying to create a stable environment for his kids without forcing a step family on them too soon.

You really need to learn how to enjoy the life you have with just you and your children. Your life isn’t “not moving forward” just because you are not living with your very new boyfriend. Date him if you like, but don’t try and recreate the family unit you left. It’s far too soon for all the children involved.