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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Struggling to cope as ex moves on publicly with affair partner

38 replies

Distressedbuttrying · 03/08/2026 19:07

Ex and I separated two years ago after his second affair in as many years - transpired he had been cheating throughout marriage. He left for the OW, who was also married. Both families had young children. He only sees children EOW and sees a couple of nights a week for dinner but always drops them home. This summer, he has done one extra overnight. I try to stay away from his life and I purposely didn’t enquire as to whether him and the OW were together. I think I was protecting myself. It has become apparent they are publicly an item now - and two of our mutual friends who would have been closer to him than me have been on dates with them. It’s so hard and I feel very distressed but of course, trying very hard to hold this in front of the children.

OP posts:
Distressedbuttrying · 04/08/2026 09:52

cloudtreecarpet · 04/08/2026 09:48

Yes, it's completely unfair and he knows it but uses it to his advantage to skip away free from the responsibility of caring for his kids.
You could force him into it by dumping them.on him of course but that involves starting to weaponise the kids which is unfair on them & not healthy for them.

If the OW has three kids too the whole situation is going to be complicated going forward & providing a stable base for your kids is the right thing to do.
But you have my sympathy because it's all bloody unfair & upsetting.

Focus on you & the kids and try to find ways to treat yourself if you can. Spend time with friends who "get it" and make you feel better, avoid friends who tell you about him or him & her.

I hope he is paying a decent amount in maintenance at least?

No - he is actively avoiding that as well. Also won’t start divorce proceedings and leaving that to me. Self-employed so CMS is very low despite him having funds to pay new clothes and shoes for himself only.

OP posts:
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 04/08/2026 10:01

It impossible hard op, I'm sorry you're going through it.

A few things that have helped me:

Practice radical acceptance. You don't have to be happy about it, but it is what it is. Look for the things in the minutes, hours and days ahead of you that you can control and do something for yourself

Remember she's got the same man you had. He wasn't a good one. He was capable of lying to and hurting the people who loved him the most and apparently dame goes for her. They deserve to end up with shitty people and they have. You deserve better.

The value of your life isn't measured in relationships. It's a given that they will argue, they will have to bend their own lives to make it work for the other. You don't. You get to live your life on your terms with your kids and your freedom. You have the better deal because you aren't with a cheating man anymore.

Those are just some of the things that have been helping me, hopefully they'll help you a bit too.

cloudtreecarpet · 04/08/2026 10:05

Distressedbuttrying · 04/08/2026 09:52

No - he is actively avoiding that as well. Also won’t start divorce proceedings and leaving that to me. Self-employed so CMS is very low despite him having funds to pay new clothes and shoes for himself only.

Oh gosh, I'm sorry, he sounds awful.

I hope you have some good friends/family in your life who are roundly on your side.

The only consolation with men like him is to know that he probably won't ever have a close relationship with his kids & will miss out on so much there plus he now has to deal with someone else's kids too which won't be a bed of roses.
Unless he's a total monster there will come a day when deep down he will regret the decisions he has made, particularly where his kids are concerned.

It's so.tough though to go through what you are and to see him with another woman, socialising with friends etc and seeming to move on with his life unhindered, while you do all the work holding things together for your kids.
I have total sympathy for you & send you lots of love & virtual support.

Distressedbuttrying · 04/08/2026 10:13

Thank you for being so kind. He blamed me so much for the affair in the end, I think I really believe that it was some undoing on my part. He said if I hadn’t have been so good a mum, then maybe he wouldn’t have cheated. In hindsight though, I had no other choice, we had children, they needed me and he was nowhere to be found.

OP posts:
MarilynMerlot · 04/08/2026 10:13

Distressedbuttrying · 04/08/2026 09:52

No - he is actively avoiding that as well. Also won’t start divorce proceedings and leaving that to me. Self-employed so CMS is very low despite him having funds to pay new clothes and shoes for himself only.

Christ, I know it’s hard love I really do, but you and the kids are well out of that. Abusive (glass breaking), cheating, and tight, and they only ever get worse.

i know it doesn’t feel like it now, but when you’re out of the slog trenches you’ll be so glad she took him off your hands you’ll want to write her a thank you note.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 04/08/2026 10:14

It's hard being the second person to move on.

You'll get there - either with someone else, or you'll find peace with being on your own. Then you'll look at him and think 'thank god I'm rid of that twat' and you'll feel nothing for her other than pity.

I promise you! And it'll feel really really good. All the best to you Flowers

corblimeymlud · 04/08/2026 10:15

Based on what you have said you did most of the parenting anyway so why would he change now? It is unfair that mothers are left to cope but this is what we do. One day if not already they will see your role for what it is and see what a weak person their father is. You will have a strong bond with them.
Meanwhile file for divorce and start this process. You are in limbo. I believe this would be good for you.
I stopped seeing certain friends because of their proximity to my ex . The real ones will not do this. Often these men like to try to pretend all is ok in the rose garden and to still mix with previous friends. They are so stupid. Anyone who values you will not engage. Often people don't know the real truth though about a person's behaviour - it's not the affair as such. It's the lies and the assault on your mental capabilities.

Seelybee · 04/08/2026 10:20

@Distressedbuttrying it doesn't help you now but I'm a great believer that what goes around comes around.
Life is very tough and unfair on you just now, but your children will grow up knowing they had a great mum who put them first. They won't have the same view of their apology of a father.
Wishing you much better things around the corner.

cloudtreecarpet · 04/08/2026 10:26

Distressedbuttrying · 04/08/2026 10:13

Thank you for being so kind. He blamed me so much for the affair in the end, I think I really believe that it was some undoing on my part. He said if I hadn’t have been so good a mum, then maybe he wouldn’t have cheated. In hindsight though, I had no other choice, we had children, they needed me and he was nowhere to be found.

Ugh, what rubbish, that's straight out of The Script they all parrot.

My exH said similar things to me at one point - apparently I never let him spend enough time with the kids and I "did it all".
Funnily enough though, when we split and he got his own place & had the time to devote to them without me in the picture he instead devoted that time to his new woman & I had to remind him to spend time with his kids!

Cheating partners say things to justify their actions to themselves as much as to hurt the person they are cheating on.

He is a weak man and a pretty useless father - imagine not wanting to pay adequately for your own kids - and the truth is you are definitely better off without him.
I know it takes a long time for that to become a truth you can accept & truly believe though because his behaviour has crushed your self esteem & self worth.

But you will survive this & one day you will feel both happy & free of him. It just takes time.
Be kind to yourself and know that you, at least, are doing the right thing for your kids which they will see & appreciate so much when they are older.

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 04/08/2026 10:28

Distressedbuttrying · 04/08/2026 10:13

Thank you for being so kind. He blamed me so much for the affair in the end, I think I really believe that it was some undoing on my part. He said if I hadn’t have been so good a mum, then maybe he wouldn’t have cheated. In hindsight though, I had no other choice, we had children, they needed me and he was nowhere to be found.

100% it's not your fault op

Read any book on affairs and it'll tell you that they have to make it your fault otherwise the only option is they are a hideous person and their egos won't allow that. Most who have affairs are insecure and avoidant partners so protecting their own self image is paramount.

My husband actually blamed my upset over his first affair for him restarting it 2 years later. The knots they twist themselves in are quite spectacular

FlorenceLawrence · 04/08/2026 10:54

Yes they all do this - it's much easier to make out you're the monster and to blame, than it is to be the bad guy cheating on his wife.
Sad fact is, I think a lot of the wives do fall for it and blame themselves too - like if only I'd paid him more attention/had more sex/lost weight etc etc - but he is the one who cheated constantly during the marriage - he is the bad guy.
You'll be feeling a sense of grief - he isn't the man you thought he was, the sense that he's abandoned you and the children for a new woman and her children now. You're grieving the happy family life of the future that you thought you'd have.
My ex has now moved to a new continent - and I think that's made it easier for me, because I don't have to see him - but not for my DC who never/rarely get to see him. My DD especially - who confides in me that she feels jealous of the OWs children, because they get to see her Dad every day, and she doesn't. She's going to visit him soon, and rather than looking forward to spending a lovely holiday with her Dad, she's nervous about meeting the new woman and her DC. Breaks my heart.
My family couldn't couldn't believe when he moved away - they'd seen him as a devoted father for 20+ years. He wasn't, I did everything - but that's the act he put on in social situations.

NeatPinkFinch · 04/08/2026 11:09

He is a disgusting piece of shit!!! He should be paying his way. I’d be fuming and wouldn’t give him a moments peace until he started contributing properly to raising his children!

Fleetbug · 04/08/2026 12:11

Firstly what a great caring parent you are and I’m so sorry you have been treated this way by not only your ex but by rubbish friends too. If you have not read Chumplady.com please take a look and explore. There’s much wisdom there. And a community of thousands who have been cheated.

You’ve been lied to for your whole marriage. That’s a terrible thing. You’ve been gaslit- the affair is somehow your fault! You became a mum so of course he had to have sex with someone else. Perfectly understandable isn’t it! And you’ve been put at risk of STI and worse. (Please get checked out). And now he won’t even care for and support his own children properly. Lovely.
As for your so called friends saying “meant to be…”. What a joke! So lying and betrayal is “meant to be…”. Wow.

Of course you are distressed but he’s no catch is he? Concentrate on the great job you are doing and be proud you have survived and got rid of him.
As for those friends… Chumplady calls them Switzerland friends! Time to think if they really are your friends and whether they deserve to hear a few home truths…

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