Struggling to cope as ex moves on publicly with affair partner

[Distressedbuttrying]

Ex and I separated two years ago after his second affair in as many years - transpired he had been cheating throughout marriage. He left for the OW, who was also married. Both families had young children. He only sees children EOW and sees a couple of nights a week for dinner but always drops them home. This summer, he has done one extra overnight. I try to stay away from his life and I purposely didn’t enquire as to whether him and the OW were together. I think I was protecting myself. It has become apparent they are publicly an item now - and two of our mutual friends who would have been closer to him than me have been on dates with them. It’s so hard and I feel very distressed but of course, trying very hard to hold this in front of the children.

Oh gosh let yourself have a wobble. It’s really grown up stuff having to get your head around this it feels just terrible and SO WRONG at first. And I say at first because this will become your new normal. But for now be nurturing yourself wildly! Love your self up big time.

You know what they say -- marry a mistress, create a vacancy. She's a cheat as well, so he'll be cheated on too in due course. You're well rid of him. This too will pass.

God I hate when people roll out the old tropes. It’s so silly. Who knows if their relationship will last or not. The op isn’t stupid.

op, there is nothing uou can do, you just need to try to ignore it as best you can, as only you are being hurt, I’m really sorry.

Whereas I find it rather amusing when people reject "old tropes" without considering why their wisdom has stood the test of time. There's a reason it's called "The Script".

I’m sorry but I find your comment so insensitive. It is not only me who is being hurt. My children are and were too. Here children are and were too.

It will pass. It’s just hard at present. Being in the trenches with young children, pets, a family home whilst he parents for 24 hours a week.

Sorry I meant out the 3 of you.

Presumably this relationship has continued for over two years then. I'm sorry OP, there is nothing you can do (apart from asking that he pulls his weight more with childcare). Focus on living your own life to the full and forget them.

Exactly. Any time he works late? Any time he's on his phone longer than usual. She'll worry. You deserve a nice man you can trust. And he'll also have to worry about her, because the kind of person who takes a man from his family can't be trusted not to cheat.
You just have to encourage your children to only have decent partners and be a good example to them.
Your "friends" who have gone out with these people will no doubt find they let them down at some point in the future-you deserve better friends than this.

its so so hard be kind to yourself
work on your self esteem
here us a list of things ive done after painful break up :

agreed to do half marathon - totally recommend!!

french night school - mixed

bought a guitar - painful

pole dancing- no

ballet - yep good call

choir - fantastic idea

Yes it's very very painful - sorry OP.
Been through it, still going through it as he's moved in with OW apparently (heard that through my DD!) - lovely!
I've been ChatGPTing about it - surprisingly helpful.
Self-care, make sure you do nice things for yourself, journalling, finding things to be grateful for. Lean on family and any friends that aren't going on dates with him (!) It's harder with young dc I know (mine are older) - but just concentrate on your own lovely DC and yourself.
The OW is not a winner in all this - it's a big mess and she's just got together with a man with a proven record for cheating. He's no prize.

Write a letter you will never send and re read it (or add to it) every-time you have a wobble.

Title the letter “He’s your problem now” and list all the ways he’s a prat and she’s welcome to him and his mess, cheating, long toe nails, bad bread and skid marks (or whatever) etc.

Trust me. It works wonders!

The letter sounds like a great idea - I have a long list. Including breaking glasses and drawers in tempers when I dared ask a question. It just hurts and well meaning friends saying maybe they are just ‘meant to be’ hurts a lot.

OP its a really tough time, and I understand the feeling of being happy and at peace with your situation (ie. Being separated / divorced single parent) and then feeling like the rug has been pulled from under you again, when you dont expect it. And not because you want him, but because he gets to move on while youre in the trenches with the kids.

But youre the winner here. You've got your gorgeous kids, and youre free of a life of being cheated on, the constant suspicion and mistrust. He may cheat on her, he may not. But you have your own life now. Wallow in your feelings for a few days, then write the letter PP suggested, and look to your own future 😊

Sending sympathy OP. Definitely write a letter. It's a good way to get the feelings out. Also think about other things you can do for your mental health. Use the time when he is parenting to do nice things for yourself.

I would also think very carefully about who you confide in. If friends are saying things like its meant to be, then pull back from them and find other friends to speak to. That's really not helpful or kind.

How you are feeling is completely normal. And his behaviour is hurtful. But you will be ok.

Well he can break her glasses and drawers now when angry. He’s her problem now.

The writing the letter (and suggested title) is a great idea. A reminder to yourself that he’s not worth your tears.

This really boils my blood. Why do these pricks put all their attention on some woman sacrificing their own flesh and blood and destroying their own family. I hope life works out really shit for him and it probably will, life is funny like that.

Are they well-meaning? They sound like insensitive, needling pricks to me.

Why’s he doing so little parenting? How are you meant to heal and recover if you’re parenting so much. I’d ask for the kids to go to his more.

Or at least he can have them for a week while you go off on a yoga retreat or some kind of relaxing break.

Yes it’s the absolute unfairness of the whole situation. Is he one of these that grabs any opportunity to perform out in public….’look at me I’m a great Dad’. Whilst behind the scenes, dealing with the day to day, he’s pretty much absent?

Theres the train of thought, that says you are lucky he’s pushed off, free of his tempers and his alley-cat morals. But he doesn’t have to flaunt his new situation that’s cruel, and highlights to me he’s basically insecure.

Hang on, it will get better, keep it strictly business when you must engage. It will get better, make that your new mantra….because it will.

Yes - this is my ex husband. Has never done any off the heavy lifting of parenting. Used to berate me for being tired and say things like, ‘Why don’t you have any hobbies?!’ When I was working full time and solo parenting young children whilst he had affairs and kept up his many hobbies. I think this recent pain is not actually seeing him and the OW together publicly as I absolutely do not want to be in her position, it’s realising what an awful father he is and my children are having to suffer that, despite my hard work.

You’re separated now though, time for him to do a bit more heavy lifting and split things equally. Surely forcing him to play his part is the best outcome of this disaster.

The problem with this is when the kids don't want to go or don't want to be with him.

It's easy to say he should have them more but they are already dealing with a lot of change & upheaval and if the OP has done all the real parenting as she says, suddenly being forced to be with dad and his new partner is another big change they have to deal with & will resist.
Plus he sounds like the type of man who won't want to step up if he hasn't before.

It's very unfair the way this works so often for the mum who has been cheated on & left.

You can’t split things evenly with someone who does not wish to parent. My children need at least one consistent and stable parent in their lives and that has to be me. The OW has three young children too so I can’t imagine how she is managing my ex and her family.

Yes, it's completely unfair and he knows it but uses it to his advantage to skip away free from the responsibility of caring for his kids.
You could force him into it by dumping them.on him of course but that involves starting to weaponise the kids which is unfair on them & not healthy for them.

If the OW has three kids too the whole situation is going to be complicated going forward & providing a stable base for your kids is the right thing to do.
But you have my sympathy because it's all bloody unfair & upsetting.

Focus on you & the kids and try to find ways to treat yourself if you can. Spend time with friends who "get it" and make you feel better, avoid friends who tell you about him or him & her.

I hope he is paying a decent amount in maintenance at least?