Should I just say hello and leave the rest to him?

[GiraffesAreUntidy]

I have name changed for this, and altered a few details for privacy reasons.

For a few months now, I have had a huge crush on a man who goes to my gym. I am 99% sure he is single. His FB and instagram pages suggest that, He probably doesn’t know I exist, and I no longer make the first move with men. No judgement on those who do, but I have done this in the past and it’s never gone well. So I have had to admire from a distance.

But last week, something happened (think fire alarm, parking barrier, moving cars etc) which gave me a legitimate reason to speak to him. He was polite, pleasant and possibly, very fleetingly, looked me up and down. Not in a lecherous way, but just for a split second, and I got the impression he found me attractive. We were both using the gym after the fire alarm, and I think he was looking at me.

So having had a brief conversation, I think this now puts both of us in a position to say hello/good morning/basic pleasantries etc. but nothing more from me, right? If he is vaguely interested, he now has an opening to say hello a few times and strike up a conversation.

Other than saying hello and being present at the gym, looking my best, there is nothing more I can do without chasing, is there? Unless I set the fire alarm off …

I’d be friendly but let him chase a bit.

Yes, I don’t mind giving a bit of encouragement or hinting at an open door, but I won’t be any more forward than that

People do it, yes. But it is classed as stalking

Oh behave. Having a look at someone's public social media profiles is not stalking.

Well, if the person hasn’t actually told you their name, and you’ve looked it up surreptitiously, I think that’s a bit more into stalker territory.

Life's too short. Get in there before someone else does.

Oh behave. Having a look at someone's public social media profiles is not stalking.

Quite. I am not sitting outside his house overnight or following him round Tesco

O for goodness sake...you are both adults....go in with the old line of ' I dont make a habit of this but I was wondering if you might like to go for a coffee/ go for a drink....sometime '....What's the worst that can happen ? Life is short, stop dithering.....if he stops going to that gym for whatever reason, you will be kicking yourself....

OK. We'll agree to disagree 😊

I think if the person is unknown to you and vice versa and you've "discovered" their name.....then what else can you call it but stalking?

I think if you know the person and their profile is public, then it's fair game

There was a thread running over the last few days - a woman approached a man she liked, asked him out, he said yes, they exchanged numbers - and then nothing. She then reported he started avoiding her. I really don’t want to risk this, or even an outright rejection.

But thank you for the replies, I will chat if I see him, but the ball is in his court

He could be thinking exactly the same as you....one of you has to make the first move...Why waste that chance.

"risk" what??

You've literally nothing to lose/risk. If you never talk to him, chances are he'll soon find someone else, then it's game over for you.

If you do talk to him and it goes nowhere, you're in no worse position. It's not as if you're already friends and you risk losing a friend.

You've nothing to lose. Put you big girl pants on and talk to him. You'll only regret what you didn't do!

You've nothing to lose. Put you big girl pants on and talk to him. You'll only regret what you didn't do!

I am definitely going to talk to him! Following the fire alarm incident, I think this has given me the green light to at least have a conversation, but I want him to ask me out, not the other way round.

I'm quite OK with being encouraging etc, and having slept on it, there's no harm testing the water a little.

Nothing wrong with a bit of pleasant conversation.
I would be more concerned if he was the gym sleaze bag - those types are awful.
Just because you are attractive and he may find you attractive doesn’t always mean he will be straight over and ask you out.
He might feel the gym is a bit of a private space for you.
So as it’s a gym I’d make the effort to be friendly and leave it with him.

I think my hesitancy is because I took the initiative and struck up conversation with him last week, over the fire alarm, so I'm reluctant to start a second conversation so soon (if that makes sense) and would rather he did this? Although if we come face to face, which is likely, I won't hesitate to smile and say hello. I really don't want him to feel pursued! I'm not scared to to talk to him, I just don't want to mess up!

When you think the time we spend going over this stuff. I am nearly a decade older than you and met my OH through a hobby. He dropped a few hints which went right over my head.
Then he sort of went into his shell a bit.
Then I realised I fancied him and to be fair I told him.
Still together a decade later. But I was fully prepared for refusal. I think I asked him did he want to go for a coffee, that I wouldn’t mind some cake, but I was quite happy to just stay mates as well. It was a right garbled mess.
And he we are. He never thought ‘less’ of me for asking and saved all the headspace.

I just don't want to make my feelings too obvious ......

Yes, that's terrible advice.

Men increasingly wait for women to make the first move to avoid accusations of harassment.

That's what you mean by "it hasn't turned out well"?!

Why should men risk what you are unprepared to?

but I want him to ask me out, not the other way round.

And he wants you to ask him out, not the other way round.

Now what?

Why not? You want him to make his feelings obvious by asking you out. Why should you expect that of him, but not him of you?

Personally I would make a joke about the fire alarm next time you see him. If he's interested he will extend the conversation.

Did he help you out last week in any way? If so I’d say hey thanks for last week. Hopefully we’ll have no more drama today. I’m xxxx by the way.

Then see how it flows….

Remember he won’t know you are single. A lot of guys would wary about making a move in case they came across wrong esp in a gym setting. He hasn’t had the benefit of going Full PI like you have in the socials 😂

For what it’s worth, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with checking out anyone’s socials at all. You deffo want to see what they’re putting out there before potentially making a move.

I agree with the other posters who just say to start a friendly conversation. “Glad I got to finish my class without a fire alarm today! How was yours?” At best it’ll lead to something At worst you’ll just be that nice friendly gal from the gym.

Yes everyone does it. SM encourages a stalker attitude.