Do I leave him? Husband constantly walking away from him responsibilities.

[Ladyoftheflowers1990]

I’m at a point in my marriage where I honestly don’t know whether I want to stay anymore, and I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives.

My husband plays to gigs with his band three or four nights a week. I know it’s something he loves and I don’t want to be the person who stops him doing what makes him happy, but the reality is that his lifestyle puts a huge amount of strain on me.

I’m running my own business which we run together and is very much a two person operation, dealing with the house and dogs, and I feel like I’m constantly working or taking care of something. I’m exhausted to the point that I’m making mistakes with work because I’m so tired. But he gets to do all these amazing things while I hold up all his responsibilities.

The house is also constantly messy after him, he just dumps his stuff everywhere. I do deep cleans every week because I desperately want a calm, peaceful home, and it feels like I’m forever fighting to maintain it with him being so thoughtless. I feel like I’m sacrificing the peaceful, enjoyable life I want so that he can continue having the life he wants.

I’ve tried telling him how unhappy and overwhelmed I am, but I don’t feel heard. I feel unsupported, unseen and taken for granted. When I tell him I’m struggling and really not coping he says the problem is that I don’t have hobbies of my own, he makes my feel very invalid and doesn't take over so I can have some form of respite.

But I don’t feel like hobbies are the issue. I don’t feel bored or jealous that he has interests. I feel completely burnt out. I want enough time and energy to actually enjoy my life, I don't want it to pass me by, he's putting me in a situation I don't want to be in.

Recently I’ve found myself looking at rooms on SpareRoom and Airbnb and imagining going away by myself for a week, away from my husband, the dogs, the business and the mess he leaves behind just so I can have some peace and quiet and a tidy space where nobody needs anything from me.

I’m also questioning whether I still love him. At the moment he makes me deeply unhappy, and I feel trapped in a life where I’m constantly sacrificing while he gets to carry on doing what he wants and I'm left behind doing two people's jobs.

My mental health has become very poor and, at my lowest, there is no thought towards me no thanks, I feel like I'm locked out of my favourite rock show and everyone is having a good time except from me.

I don’t know whether I’m so exhausted and resentful that everything in the marriage currently feels worse, whether we need a temporary separation and some space, or whether this relationship has simply reached the end.

If you were in my position, what would you do?

Has anyone reached this level of resentment and managed to rebuild their marriage? Did time apart help you work out what you actually wanted?

And if you did leave, did life eventually become peaceful again?

Do you have a contract, or any other legal documents to do with the roles or ownership or share of profits/ partnership?

You need to see a solicitor.

This man is not a partner to you in any way the term could be interpreted, but the legalities matter

If you were in my position, what would you do?
I'd leave. I can't tolerate being with someone who doesn't listen to me when I tell him I'm exhausted. I can't tolerate being with someone who doesn't support me and steps up when I tell him that's what I need from him. What's the point of being in a relationship if the other person is nothing but a burden that overwhelms me?

Take your dogs and leave. Or just boot him out. Business wise can you employ someone a couple of days a week. Failing g that put all his stuff on one room and get a cleaner. Whatever he drops put it in room. Dirty clothes, towels, dishes the lot if you can. But sounds like you're done x

Your business makes money. Id try to hire someone to support you. You need help. In the short term id also hire a cleaner and get a food delivery service. You need immediate help. You can't afford to make mistakes or get ill because your exhausted. Take the pressure off yourself.

You husband is a selfish and lazy person. He sounds like a teenager leaving his shit around and playing rock star. I have no issue with hobbies but he needs to fulfil his work and household responsibilities. The less he does the more you pick up. Its easy for him to suggest you get a hobby because he has no idea what you do in a day.

You need to make plans for the short and tge long term. Id start documenting hiw many hours yoh work I. The business and how many hours he does. Id also talk to a solicitor without telling him. Information is power. You need to know you wiuld proceed and what the likely outcome if a divorce would be.

Why dont you do a week away on your own and see how you feel. Hes selfish and appears to lead the life of a single person rather than that of a married one.
I had a similar life before. My ex going out when we had young children. Him ringing in sick then not getting paid. He was a selfish loser.
The first day I moved into my own house i felt like a huge weight had been lifted and ive never looked back

As I was reading this I was thinking go on a break and then you mentioned it. I think thats the first step. Get away by yourself and have a proper think. But this guy sounds like a drain on you and it would be surprising if he could change even if he wanted to. Also read him the absolute riot act tell him exactly how you are feeling and insist he steps up as a supporting partner or ships out.

I think the first step is to book a week away, just you and the dogs, somewhere peaceful and take time to decompress and think.
I would then take another week next month to make some arrangements for how your home and business are run by paying for additional help (cleaner/gardener/admin help, etc)
You then need to speak with a solicitor about removing him from the business as he's not pulling his weight. I presume he had a job before he joined the business a year ago, so he is capable of getting another job.
Once you don't have to work with him, you can then concentrate on moving forward and ending the marriage. In the meantime, allocate your spare room as his dumping ground. If he leaves clothes, musical instruments and any other trash anywhere, pop it in there.
Finally, if he even notices the changes, tell him that you are no longer prepared to be his PA and are moving on. If he wants to be a pretendy rock star, then he can fund it and run his own household, without you and the dogs.
Good luck, and please don't get sucked back in with the empty promises he will try and make, he is using you as a doormat.