Do I leave him? Husband constantly walking away from him responsibilities.

[Ladyoftheflowers1990]

I’m at a point in my marriage where I honestly don’t know whether I want to stay anymore, and I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives.

My husband plays to gigs with his band three or four nights a week. I know it’s something he loves and I don’t want to be the person who stops him doing what makes him happy, but the reality is that his lifestyle puts a huge amount of strain on me.

I’m running my own business which we run together and is very much a two person operation, dealing with the house and dogs, and I feel like I’m constantly working or taking care of something. I’m exhausted to the point that I’m making mistakes with work because I’m so tired. But he gets to do all these amazing things while I hold up all his responsibilities.

The house is also constantly messy after him, he just dumps his stuff everywhere. I do deep cleans every week because I desperately want a calm, peaceful home, and it feels like I’m forever fighting to maintain it with him being so thoughtless. I feel like I’m sacrificing the peaceful, enjoyable life I want so that he can continue having the life he wants.

I’ve tried telling him how unhappy and overwhelmed I am, but I don’t feel heard. I feel unsupported, unseen and taken for granted. When I tell him I’m struggling and really not coping he says the problem is that I don’t have hobbies of my own, he makes my feel very invalid and doesn't take over so I can have some form of respite.

But I don’t feel like hobbies are the issue. I don’t feel bored or jealous that he has interests. I feel completely burnt out. I want enough time and energy to actually enjoy my life, I don't want it to pass me by, he's putting me in a situation I don't want to be in.

Recently I’ve found myself looking at rooms on SpareRoom and Airbnb and imagining going away by myself for a week, away from my husband, the dogs, the business and the mess he leaves behind just so I can have some peace and quiet and a tidy space where nobody needs anything from me.

I’m also questioning whether I still love him. At the moment he makes me deeply unhappy, and I feel trapped in a life where I’m constantly sacrificing while he gets to carry on doing what he wants and I'm left behind doing two people's jobs.

My mental health has become very poor and, at my lowest, there is no thought towards me no thanks, I feel like I'm locked out of my favourite rock show and everyone is having a good time except from me.

I don’t know whether I’m so exhausted and resentful that everything in the marriage currently feels worse, whether we need a temporary separation and some space, or whether this relationship has simply reached the end.

If you were in my position, what would you do?

Has anyone reached this level of resentment and managed to rebuild their marriage? Did time apart help you work out what you actually wanted?

And if you did leave, did life eventually become peaceful again?

Life is peaceful when we forget the past i would say.

Are you baffled because you didn't read the OP at all and need people to quote it back at you?

You're being massively mugged off.

You're doing all the work while he swans about as he pleases and spaffs on guitars. Why did you share the business with him? Argh.

It's a bloody good job you don't want children because you already have a huge entitled man-child.

You need a bit of thinking and planning time and you are too exhausted to think straight .
Buy in all the help you can get at home cleaning, ironing, home deliveries for shopping , Gardening , window cleaning, putting the bins out , healthy ready meals , stop doing his washing and putting his clothes away. Utilise one off deep cleans if necessary and ad hoc help at work if possible
amd breathe then get a plan together .

Tell him how you feel. You may need to leave. I'm so sorry, OP, You can't make someone change. He might not care enough about you and your life together to change.

So he owns half the business but contributes very little.
Does no housework.
Presumably no business administration either.
Doesn't even walk the dogs.
Leaves you alone most evenings while he follows his dream of being a musician.
Pisses away the earnings from his gigs.

And he doesn’t listen to you.
So what’s your plan?
Even if you were able to get him to ‘listen’, the effort would be halfhearted and temporary.
THIS is who he is. He won’t change.

Can you get him removed from the business?
Take legal advice on likely asset division in the divorce.
But obviously keep the dogs.

Wake up and smell the coffee! We’re mostly all telling you to get out of this hugely one sided and totally unfair arrangement. It not a marriage.
Quietly do some planning.
Quietly seek legal advice.
Take yourself off for a week’s respite. It’s allowed you know. Just book and go for heavens sake. Don’t even bother telling him. He might not even notice for 24 hours!

You can do it, but oh my goodness how peaceful your new life will be after you dump him. We need to preserve our peace at all costs.

And you should not remain there with him just because of the dogs either.

One of the huge benefits of being childfree is the sheer peace and lack of drudgery.

If your husband is pointless, discard him, sell the business or whatever needs done to start your new life.

I am sorry that seems really tough for you . Your immediate issue is to deal with the burnout . For your mental and physical health you need to take some time away from. A week would be ideal , you need that time to reset and think . Do you have any relatives/ friends you could stay with or as you have mentioned book an air BnB . It could be somewhere peaceful with just you and the dogs ( unless it is easier to leave them with your H ).

I would also try and set up a telephone / video call with a divorce solicitor or preferably in person for the initial one . You are only considering your options just now and it may help you to get an idea about what a split would look like for you financially especially re the business .

I think it would also help you to confide in a friend / relative who would support you . If it is someone you are close to and they are supportive , you should not worry about doing this as you would reciprocate if the tables were turned . You need as much support as you can get .

I think you do need to leave him even if it is a temporary split to spur him into action . He is not listening to your concerns and issues . He is wrapped up in his own selfish needs and is taking you for granted . He may think as you don’t have any children , that he can live a more care free life . You do still have responsibilities though, with your house / dogs / the business and he is leaving you to shoulder the bulk of these . That is not a fair partnership and it isn’t a good loving relationship when you leave the other person at risk of imminent burn out whilst pursuing your own hobbies .
Good luck .

Yeah, during the last years of my first marriage, my ex-husband was like that. I was then the breadwinner working a lot of overtime just to live paycheck to paycheck and he had a fun job where he wound up paying more in gas just to get there. I told him if that he needed to get training to get a job to make higher pay as I was working my butt off and couldn't even afford a yearly vacation as a reward.

Of course, once I divorced him, he finally did get training for a better job since he couldn't afford to live nor spend on his hobbies equipment without my salary.

Yes, I was a much happier person without that dead weight, just as you will be, and then I was free to create the life I wanted.

Perhaps as a 2nd person for your business, there are possibly retirees who'd like an on-call sporadic job. Bonus money for them when they don't require a regular salary.

Good luck!

This made me so sad to read.

You feel unseen, unheard and unappreciated and your feelings are very clearly valid. You deserve to have a life of your own that isn’t just working to support and clean up after this nan. His behaviour is thoughtless and selfish and I do think you would have a much more peaceful existence alone.

You have tried to talk to him about your feelings repeatedly and he had chosen to ignore you so I’m unsure at this stage what is stopping you from leaving. If you’re still reluctant, I would sit him down and have one more try. I hope this may work but in truth, I think itt will be far more convenient for him to continue to invalidate your feelings than do something about it.

If you do decide to leave, please be aware that he will promise you the earth to make you change your mind. Just bear in mind that you have already given him ample opportunity to support you and he chose not to. This won’t change long term, but he will be so reluctant to lose his doer that he will pretend for a bit. Be careful.

In my reading of this its not about the gigs. Its about his lack of putting anything in place to make life functional and workable so that he CAN persue his hobby and you can have equal time for relaxation whilst he does. You could end the marriage now and are within your rights. Otherwise id try for a year-not waiting and putting things in place myself. Hire a cleaner. Find some casual help with the business or dogs. Say you need him to commit to regular hours even if thats only 10-2 on gig days. At least you know where you stand then. Him swanning in and out isnt working-thats a business decision.
Be vocal and assertive. ‘I’ll walk the dog you start dinner’. ‘I cooked dinner please wash up before you leave for the gig’. He isnt going to do any of this voluntarily and probably not because of any come to jesus talk. Just be brief, factual and polite each time. Its a little transactional but worth a try.

You can afford to leave, take the dogs, keep the business and hire a part time assistant

he literally wants you to do everything

You're not his wife, you are his unpaid servant. Get out and find a man who puts you first and pulls his weight 50/50. You've asked him for help, he has shown he could care less and so now you know he is only with you because its convenient for him. I think you know your answer.

Hire a screen printer if you are turning over so much. Stop cleaning the house and withdraw from anything that isn’t yours. I think about a divorce

You are burned out, you poor thing.

Can you get someone to clean for you, and to do some gardening? That would help enormously for a start.

You don't want children but have found yourself an adolescent man child. The creating extra work for you, not pulling his weight and blaming you for being exhausted is not on. Can you sack him from the business and buy in reliable help? Then you can work towards getting him to leave home, both emotionally and legally. Without him, and with some help in the business you will find the calm you seek in your home, for you and your dogs.

Recently I’ve found myself looking at rooms on SpareRoom and Airbnb and imagining going away by myself for a week, away from my husband, the dogs, the business and the mess he leaves behind just so I can have some peace and quiet and a tidy space where nobody needs anything from me.

You have the answer to what you want to do in the short-term☝

Do this. When you come back find out where you would stand financially if you divorce. Then decide if you are going to do it.

@PleaseVipersHelpMe also has wise cautions.

Are the gigs local, and taking up 3 or 4 evenings, or is he travelling around for them and therefore gone for for day and overnight / into early hours too? If it's that then he can't do it and do his day job, which is the business, and he's an absolute arse leaving you to carry it all. If it's just the evenings why isn't he working the daytime?

I think it comes down to if he helped more with the business, helped with the dogs and helped/ you got a cleaner - the bigger thing is if you can love him again, if he’s willing to go back to the way ye were

Sorry, this is advice won't necessarily help your marriage issues, but with such a healthy income, could you not at least pay for a cleaner so that you can have a little bit of respite from that at least to ease the pressure/burnout?
I'm sorry you are going through this op x

@Ladyoftheflowers1990 This business - is it a Ltd Company, or a Partnership, or what? Who owns what proportion of it, and how do you take the profits out of it? Could you employ a part-timer to do the admin/accounts side?

Perhaps you need to sit down and create a spreadsheet detailing exactly how much time each of you spends on each area of your life - the business, dogs, housework, cooking, other stuff at home, his band stuff & gigs, free time you spend together, and how much free time you get for yourself. Who gets the most time doing fun stuff they want to do, and who picks up the slack? Who spends the most hours running the business and earning the money?

DH is a musician too, but he is self employed and much of what he does actually earns money, so it isn't his hobby, it's his profession. Your DH is taking the piss.

Yes, he is a teenage son and you're his mum. Start setting some boundaries and see if it changes anything. Tell him you're burnt out and need some time away on your own and leave him to deal with everything. That might open his eyes.

For every time he goes away, you should get time away in return while he runs the business and the house etc.... then see how much he talks about lack of hobbies being the problem. It's honestly that he has no idea what your carrying and imo the only way he will start to understand is if he is forced to experience it.