Hi all, I'm new here, neurodiverse, male and trying to find may around, so if I make a mistake, please don't flame me.
Apart from suffering form the above, I also physical/neurological issues, so my typing might not be the best, but I do what I can. I've been in a relationship for almost 18 months and a lot of the time, it's great, but sometimes as is my needs and wants, I want to be alone, it's how I've always been and alone time allows me to calm down and reset, many in the know call it "regulating". My partner is staying with me as she is trying to sell her house in the south of the country, as she's now working in the north and intent on moving up here to be closer to her parents as they are very old and infirm. When we got together, we discussed life, how we wanted it to be and because of my issues and (the very nasty experience I went through with my ex-patner, that led to my suffering a stroke, I needed some lone time to pursue my hobbies and regulate my mental well being). I've told her time and time again that I need my space on occasion, this was discussed very early in the relationship, but she doesn't want to be without me, let me go anywhere alone or partake of my hobbies, which help me as cycling, fishing and paper target shooting are the things I can and do enjoy on my own. But she is insistent that she is with me in case I fall or get hurt in some way. Because of my "conditions", safety is paramount, I take every care and my phone is set up, so if I do suffer some form of accident or fall, it sends out a signal to pinpoint where I am and alerts the relevant people. I also have a tracker with me at all times, set up in the same way, so I am thinking very sensibly and taking all precautions.
I've had a lot of stress to deal with over the last few months, with issues with my ex-partner, her finances and problems trying to sell the house we jointly own and once shared and I needed time for me, so On Saturday night, I checked the weather forecast, conditions were favourable, so I decided to go fishing, I told her what I was doing, so she had advance warning and all was good. Things didn't turn out that way, she insisted on going with me, I told her I needed space for myself and I was going alone, but she decided to tag along, this put my mood on an instant downer and I didn't want to go anymore. I reiterated my feelings, but she ignored them, afte several minutes of trying to make her realise I needed time alone, she ignored my request, so I decided not to go. The forecast was the same for Monday, so I decided to put my activities forward by 24 hours. Yesterday arrived and I had to go through the same routine again, by now I was very wound up and went, despite me knowing I won't enjoy myself. We arrived at the venue and I was concentrating trying to set up my gear and all she would do was ask questions all the time and wanting to try herself, I told her I only had one outfit and this is the reason I fish alone. I cast the rod out and within 5 minutes, she picked up the rod and reeled in the line, I asked her what she was doing, she replid, "I've seen them do this on the telly". I said, "leave it alone, you either leave me to fish quietly or just go home", she then went in the huff. By now I was wound up like a coiled spring and could feel my insides churning like a cement mixer. I could take no more, I wound the line in, dismantled my gear, packed it in the car and we drove home, not a word was said. I got home, left my gear in the car, came inside, changed clothes, made a coffee, took my medication and settled down to read. "when are we going fishing again?" she asked, I replied, "we? we are never going fishing again, but I am". I was then bombarded with more questions and my mind was in no mood, state or intention of answering. I said, "look, you can see I'm suffering, why are you going against my wishes, you know I need some solitude, you agreed to this when we got together, so will you please leave me in peace to try and calm myself down, I'm trying to regulate, but you are not allowing me to do so, so I'm going for a walk, by myself and do not want you with me", I got up, changed into my walking shoes and walked out of the house.
"Peace at last, I thought, but no, I'd not been out of the house for 10 minutes when she called me, "are you OK?" she asked, I'd had enough, I yelled , "will you stop f*cking pestering me", I hung up, turned off my phone and carried on.
Stupid I know, but I was really suffering and my anguish levels were at almost 100%. I stayed out of the house till midnight, because I couldn't face going back in as I knew that if she got on my case again, I would blow up and say something to end the relationship and that was how I was feeling, I didn't care either way, I was beyond the point of thinking correctly.
I treid to sleep on the settee, leaving her to occupy the bed, it's now heading towards midday, I've had about an hours sleep and she is still in the bedroom. I'm at the point where I really don't care anymore and my mood has not improved towards her. Yes, I know I have to accept that some people do not seem to grasp others needs and wants, but when I'm not allowed to be myslef, do what I want and release rthe stress and strains of life, it bottles up inside me and eventually I explode, not violently or physically, but more inward and it's me who suffers the most. I berate myself, beat myself up internally and despite me explaining to her time and time again, that I need space, she ignores me. I feel my wishes are not listened to and it's going to come to a head, I don;t know, it might have already. But I have to get some peace or my head or heart will give up, then it's game over for me and at 65 years old, I don't want to die, I feel I have so much more life to live.
Can anyone offer any advice please?