Stop me from going mad pleasde.

[Fishingguy]

Hi all, I'm new here, neurodiverse, male and trying to find may around, so if I make a mistake, please don't flame me.

Apart from suffering form the above, I also physical/neurological issues, so my typing might not be the best, but I do what I can. I've been in a relationship for almost 18 months and a lot of the time, it's great, but sometimes as is my needs and wants, I want to be alone, it's how I've always been and alone time allows me to calm down and reset, many in the know call it "regulating". My partner is staying with me as she is trying to sell her house in the south of the country, as she's now working in the north and intent on moving up here to be closer to her parents as they are very old and infirm. When we got together, we discussed life, how we wanted it to be and because of my issues and (the very nasty experience I went through with my ex-patner, that led to my suffering a stroke, I needed some lone time to pursue my hobbies and regulate my mental well being). I've told her time and time again that I need my space on occasion, this was discussed very early in the relationship, but she doesn't want to be without me, let me go anywhere alone or partake of my hobbies, which help me as cycling, fishing and paper target shooting are the things I can and do enjoy on my own. But she is insistent that she is with me in case I fall or get hurt in some way. Because of my "conditions", safety is paramount, I take every care and my phone is set up, so if I do suffer some form of accident or fall, it sends out a signal to pinpoint where I am and alerts the relevant people. I also have a tracker with me at all times, set up in the same way, so I am thinking very sensibly and taking all precautions.

I've had a lot of stress to deal with over the last few months, with issues with my ex-partner, her finances and problems trying to sell the house we jointly own and once shared and I needed time for me, so On Saturday night, I checked the weather forecast, conditions were favourable, so I decided to go fishing, I told her what I was doing, so she had advance warning and all was good. Things didn't turn out that way, she insisted on going with me, I told her I needed space for myself and I was going alone, but she decided to tag along, this put my mood on an instant downer and I didn't want to go anymore. I reiterated my feelings, but she ignored them, afte several minutes of trying to make her realise I needed time alone, she ignored my request, so I decided not to go. The forecast was the same for Monday, so I decided to put my activities forward by 24 hours. Yesterday arrived and I had to go through the same routine again, by now I was very wound up and went, despite me knowing I won't enjoy myself. We arrived at the venue and I was concentrating trying to set up my gear and all she would do was ask questions all the time and wanting to try herself, I told her I only had one outfit and this is the reason I fish alone. I cast the rod out and within 5 minutes, she picked up the rod and reeled in the line, I asked her what she was doing, she replid, "I've seen them do this on the telly". I said, "leave it alone, you either leave me to fish quietly or just go home", she then went in the huff. By now I was wound up like a coiled spring and could feel my insides churning like a cement mixer. I could take no more, I wound the line in, dismantled my gear, packed it in the car and we drove home, not a word was said. I got home, left my gear in the car, came inside, changed clothes, made a coffee, took my medication and settled down to read. "when are we going fishing again?" she asked, I replied, "we? we are never going fishing again, but I am". I was then bombarded with more questions and my mind was in no mood, state or intention of answering. I said, "look, you can see I'm suffering, why are you going against my wishes, you know I need some solitude, you agreed to this when we got together, so will you please leave me in peace to try and calm myself down, I'm trying to regulate, but you are not allowing me to do so, so I'm going for a walk, by myself and do not want you with me", I got up, changed into my walking shoes and walked out of the house.
"Peace at last, I thought, but no, I'd not been out of the house for 10 minutes when she called me, "are you OK?" she asked, I'd had enough, I yelled , "will you stop f*cking pestering me", I hung up, turned off my phone and carried on.
Stupid I know, but I was really suffering and my anguish levels were at almost 100%. I stayed out of the house till midnight, because I couldn't face going back in as I knew that if she got on my case again, I would blow up and say something to end the relationship and that was how I was feeling, I didn't care either way, I was beyond the point of thinking correctly.
I treid to sleep on the settee, leaving her to occupy the bed, it's now heading towards midday, I've had about an hours sleep and she is still in the bedroom. I'm at the point where I really don't care anymore and my mood has not improved towards her. Yes, I know I have to accept that some people do not seem to grasp others needs and wants, but when I'm not allowed to be myslef, do what I want and release rthe stress and strains of life, it bottles up inside me and eventually I explode, not violently or physically, but more inward and it's me who suffers the most. I berate myself, beat myself up internally and despite me explaining to her time and time again, that I need space, she ignores me. I feel my wishes are not listened to and it's going to come to a head, I don;t know, it might have already. But I have to get some peace or my head or heart will give up, then it's game over for me and at 65 years old, I don't want to die, I feel I have so much more life to live.

Can anyone offer any advice please?

You need to tell her to leave & that the relationship is over. She’s way to needy.

My gosh, I'm no expert but just wanted to reply to you. It sounds insufferable, and to me, abusive. I'm autistic too and I really understand the need for down/alone time. I can't imagine being needled like that all the time and the constant need for attention from her...It would drive me insane so please don't think you are a bad person or acting bad in any way. You are being pushed beyond your limits. To say your partner sounds tone deaf is an understatement. To tell her repeatedly you need space and for her to continue encroaching all the time, that sounds to me like she either has a mental health problem or is in fact abusive.
Do yourself a favour and like the walk, try and get some alone time. Don't tell her where you are going, just go to minimise her turning up. It will help clear your head and think about what you want going forward.
I really do wish you well and hope you get that chance to regulate. Besr wishes.

She's way too clingy and controlling. I also like time to myself, when I'm in a relationship I make it clear I'd like to meet up once or twice a week and there definitely won't be any living together as I'd bloody hate it. You say she is staying with you, don't let her move in. it'd be the death of you,,,

You need to end this relationship. She’s incredibly controlling and suffocating and you are not at all compatible. She needs to leave.

Tell her to move out, you’ve dumped her. She’s making you miserable.

At 65 you absolutely know you and you know what you need . This woman isn’t for you and you don’t deserve to be unhappy in your own home.
I’m an introvert and my partner is the opposite, he respects that I need my own space and time to be alone and we’ve reached a very happy compromise , he goes out with his own friends, gets drunk occasionally , stays out late and listens to loud music, all the things I’m not keen on , it works for us but she’s not giving you the respect and the space you need.
she probably is worried about your mental health as well as your physical health but you seem to have it covered .
Does she see you as a project to fix and make well ? Possibly her actions are coming from a good place but at the same time very suffocating.
I would try once more to talk to her as she maybe sees your activities as something new and exciting to do as a couple, is there a way you could occasionally do them together ?
if not it’s best to call it a day .

This relationship is not working. You have expressed your needs clearly and politely on multiple occasions and she is ignoring you. I’m afraid it’s not going to get better.

You need to end this relationship it’s not working and making you miserable.

It doesn't sound like a relationship that's working for either of you.

I wonder whether for now it would help to be more specific. So instead of "I need some space" you could say "I need to go out for 2 hours on my own and without any phone or text contact." That way it is really clear to her what it is you are asking for.

You are not compatible and this relationship is not working for you. She is too controlling and needy.

Everybody needs their own space and time and she should respect your wishes for this. It's perfectly normal (and important) for couples to have their own interests and activities that they do on their own.

As I have got older, I have realised that I really need my own space and time away from DP. And he needs his space away from me!

Good morning all and thank you for all the positive/constructive replies, it's nice to know that there are people out there who can make sense and offer reasonable comments regarding my situation.

Since my initial post, I've mulled over my own issues and the ones I have with my partner and I've churned myself up so much, I'm at the point were I cannot think straight and I've spent the majority of the time beating myself up, becasue I feel I cannot make myself heard. For most of yesterday, I tried to concentrate of keeping myself and mind busy, but it wasn't to be. I wanted to the pharmacy to collect my prescription and she wanted to come with me, I said, "I want some time to clear my head, so I'm going alone and you have the things to do that you said you would do today. (This is changing estate agents, contacting her financial advisor and making an appointment to have an MRI), but no, she wanted to come with me, I said, "look, I'm going on my own, I need to see my ex-partner about putting our jointly owned house on the market to sell, (another issue I have that is creating stress, my ex will not move out of the house, I've given her ample opportunity, but she won't do anything herself and she thinks that because I've always dealt with the finances, legal and utilities, I should also do all the neccessary to help her to move on, I'll be calling my solicitor this morning to get advice on that). Sorry, I went on a wander there. I walked out of the house and hadn't got 200 yards when a text arrived, she asked, "are you coming straight back"? I didn't answer. Prescription collected, I stopped at my old house, tried to have a conversation with my ex-partner, but she turned on the waterworks and tried the "guilt trip routine", she know's this won't work, so I left her with the ultimatum, move out by August 31st or she'll be forced out and I left it at that.

Instead of coming back home, I decided a walk was required, I sent my partner a text to say I was going for a walk to try and settle my head, the reply was, "but I need a cuddle"! I sent a simple text that read, "I'm going for a walk to try and clear my head", then turned my phone off so I wasn't pestered again. Or so I thought, I was walking on the regular route I take, I know it's around 3 kilometres and I get my steps in for the day, as I came out of the park, here is my partner sat in her car waiting for me, she got out, walked over and hugged me, saying, "I was scared you weren't coming back", I said, "where else am I going to go, I have my medication and I need to take some and sort out my Dossette box", "I'll give you a lift home then", she said, "no" I replied, "I'm getting my steps in, I'll see you when I get back". I then kept on walking.

By the time I got home, my head was butchered, I was thinking, "how can my luck be so bad, that I have to deal with two needy women as well as my own issues"? I went in, put the kettle on, asked her if she wanted a drink, she didn't reply, so I made my coffee, grabbed my meds and sat in the garden to try and relax.

Because of my financial situation, I'm like many and have to rely on a foodbank, my collection time was 2 pm, so I told her where I was going and she insisted on coming with me, I would only be gone 15 minutes at the most, but she had to tag along, I was too tired to argue, so off we went. When we got back, I started to unpack and sort out the frozen stuff, tinned and perishables and put them away, but she kept trying to interfere and put stuff int he wrong places, I asked her, "will you pleas leave my to sort this out, I like to put stuff away in an order that uses the older stuff first and nothing goes out of date", once again, she slammed the kitchen door in a huff and went into the bedroom. I carried on and decided I needed to reiterate my boundaires with her. I went into the bedroom, there was no sign, I looked out to find her car gone, I guessed she'd gone to her parent house, so I lokked up and went for another walk, a very long walk.

I must have been out 3 hours and hadn't taken my phone, when I got back, she was sat in her car with a face like thunder, she said, "I've been here for hours and you locked me out", I replied, "you'd gone out, said nothing, so I assumed you'd gone to your parents, so I locked up and went for a walk, if you've forgotten your keys, then that's your fault", I opened the door, walked in and she started cooking some food, the was no asking me what I wanted for dinner, she just started cooking. Eventually she said, "I'm making some carbonara, do you want some"? I was still so churned up, I wasn't hungry, I replied, "no thank you, I'm not hungry", "OK then", she said, "I'll make extra and if you want some there'll be plenty". I say doing some computer work, without taking much notice, when she carried through 2 plates of food and placed them on the table, "Dinners ready", says she, I said, "I told you I wasn't hungry and didn't want anything", slam went the kitchen door again and by now I was on the verge of exploding, I follwed her into the bedroom and said, "You said you were making dinner and there would be some extra and if I wanted and it would be there for me, you went ahead and put the food on the plate, serving it at the table, despite me telling you I didn't want anything and when I did, you slammed the kitchen door and went in the huff again, either get a grip, let me be me, stop fussing, stop undermining me, stop getting stroppy when you don't get your own way or you'll be out the door and classed as single". I took me all my efforts to not launch into a diatribe of foul and abusive language directed at her. I walked back into the dining room and here's the cat getting tucked into both plates, I shook my head and decided it was time for another walk.

It's now gone 10am, I've not had a single minute of sleep, my mind is like a dozen kaliedescopes trying to focus at once and I feel very ill. I can't do this anymore, I'm calling it a day. It's hard enough dealing with my own issues and having a demanding and constantly seeking attention mare is pushing me to the point of no return. Either she goes or I'll end up in a wooden box!

I don't think you two are compatible, you need space and alone time whereas she needs constant attention and she isn't respecting you or your boundries so id say that is enough to end this relationship.

It sounds like you need to be very clear with her too that this is over and she needs to pack up and go to her parents and not return. Don't give her any hope that if she changes things will be different etc you need to cut her off

Once this is over don't rush in to anything new, take time for you to enjoy your hobbies, spend time alone and sort out the issues with your ex and the house

I didn’t get all the way through the op, but as I was reading I was just thinking that you’re not remotely compatible. In fact, your wants and needs are completely opposite and you couldn’t be less compatible! Just end this relationship, it isn’t the right one for either of you.

She sounds exhausting but it did also make me wonder if she thinks you’re suicidal and that’s why she’s worried about you going places on your own.

If that isn’t the issue, then she needs to learn to listen to you.

Dude. You need to be single. Yesterday.

She sounds suffocating. I’m stressed just reading that!

Good afternoon everyone and can I thank you all for your input and advice.

There was strong words and even stronger words said this morning, resulting in my mood dropping so severley, that I told her that she needs to leave the house and give me some space or there will be a point of no return for me and that will be game over for her. We were supposed to be going to my friends 60th birthday this afternoon, but I am so would up, I cannot bring myself to go, I'm not in the frame of mind for chit chat and I feel physically sick. So I told her to go herself and leave me well alone and if I was in the same frame of mind when she came back, she would have to go and stay with her parents for a while. I decided to go for a long walk, to give her time to get ready and go, when I returned I had the house to myself.

Apart from the issue with her, I'm also having personal financial problems because of the DWP and my ex-partner. I live in a bungalow and she lives in our jointly owned house with our two adult children, aged 26 and 23. The oldest has been "statemented" for autism, the youngest had an initial appointment with mental health over 5 years ago and is still waiting for her first official appointment to be assessed and also "statemented. When my ex-partner told me our daughter was possibly on the spectrum, I realised, a lot of my behaviour was very much like my son and daughters. So I went online, read a lot and did a couple of behavioural tests, I don't know what the numbers mean, but I acored 87%, which was explained as me being a very high functioning autistic, from this I made a list of what I like/don't like and went to see my doctor, she agreed that I should be assessed and arranged an initial appointment with the mental health team. I had the test, it was agreed that I needed further consultation and my name would be added to the waiting list, so far, the only thing I've heard is a year letter to ask if I still want to be on the list.

Roll forward to a year ago, because of my physical and neurological problems I can no longer work and have been "on the sick" for a long time and claiming ESA. The rules within the DWP changed and I had to apply for UC (Universal Credit), I did so, but was turned down on the ground of me having capital, that being the property that my ex and kids live in. The only thing I could do was put the house up for sale. I spoke to my ex, told her the situation and she refused to believe me, I showed her the email, she still didn't believe me, I said, "regardless if you believe me or not, this house is being put on the market, so make arrangements to be rehoused by the local authority or contact a private landlord". Since then, once a fortnight, I've been contacting my ex and asking what is happening, she claims she's too ill to do anything and can't manage to get in touch with anyone, I offered to help, but was refused. As time has gone one, all my savings has been eaten up, because I cannot claim the UC benefit, because I cannot claim, I'm having to pay full rent and council tax, this is almost £500 per month and I'm at the stage, where I have 2 weeks left, then I'm skint and will no doubt be made homeless.

I called my solicitor on Wednesday, as I couldn't go on, he told me what I could/couldn't do and following the call, I went to talk to my ex. She was horrified, and said, "what am I going to do, where am I going to go", my reply was short and to the point, I said, "had you acted when I asked you almost a year ago, you would not be in this mess, you have only yourselves to blame. I'll give you till Friday at 5pm to think about it". She told me she hadn't contacted the local council/housing authority to be asked to be put on the housing list, so is limited on the options she has. If she refuses and won't move, I can apply to sell the house without her permission, this will mean she has to employ the services of a solicitor and that's going to cost, plus she'll be responsible for all of my costs as she hasn't a leg to stand on. I've been "Mr Nice Guy here, I've let them stay in the property for 4 years longer than I needed to legally and morally, but they will do nothing to help me, so as far as I'm concerned, they've brought all of this on themsleves. I tried calling before I paid her a visit last night and twice again today, plus I've been to the house twice, but no-one is answering the door. I know my ex is in the house as her car is outside and never goes anywhere on foot. If she wants to play difficult, then she can. First thing on Monday, I'll be instructing my solicitor to start the ball rolling and she can forget anymore chances, she'll be out of there one way or another and I don't care less what happens to her. I've bent over backwards to help them, done everything in my power to make sure they're financially safe and keeping afloat and how do they repay me? By being total shits.

When I got back from my walk, I felt terrible, I had thoughts running about in my head wondering what I could do, were I could get help and how I could manage, but I kept spiralling into the depths of dispair, I felt, weak, ill, no clue on how tomorrow would start, how I would get through the day and just every possible computation of being able to manage. I actually considered the bottle of whisky and paracetamol route, but that would mean my ex keeping the house and because I haven't changed my will from the original, (I started, but forgot about it), she would also get every penny when it's sold. I sat and thought and decided to call the Samaritans, that's how low I felt. I spoke to Jo, she was lovely, calm, kind and listened to my story, there was no judgement, no "do this or do that", she simply told me that tomorrow was another day and things would be better. But I don't want to wake up tomorrow, this world holds nothing for me anymore. During my time with my ex, I worked 11 days, 6 days a week, was on call 24/7 and to help keep us more financially affloat, worked another two jobs to make sure the kids were looked after and wanted for nothing. Where has it got me? Nowhere, I'm skint, have no prospects, no future and a very good chance of being homeless when my savings run out in two weeks. I just don't want to wake up tomorrow, I've had enough of this world.

Thank you all for listening.

X.

A.

Again, couldn't read and run. I'm so sorry you feel so low. I understand about one stress seeming to be put upon another and not feeling like you can take any more. But, you've made it this far right? So you must be strong and although it doesn't feel like it right now, that strength can carry you through. Please, please call The Smaritans again or 999 if you feel a danger to yourself. Not to be glib, but from experience, things always seem worse at night too.
I know it feels like a lot to deal with so park it all for tonight and maybe focus on one thing at a time tomorrow? Lists! Lots of lists! It might give you a bit of a feeling of power back at the direction of your life too.
I would also phone the CAB on Monday to help with your financial situation.
Is there anything you can do tonight that can give your thoughts a bit of a break? A long bath, or a comedy programme on TV?
I really, really wish you well and look after yourself ok?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare. 💕

Hi Fishingguy, hope you're ok.