Boy friend admitted cheating and I’m waiting for herpes results and devastated. What to do next?

[Cremecaramelled]

Feeling horrendous and so sore, waiting for herpes test results back. I spoke to boyfriend last night, who has been suffering from burnout for the past two and half months. I have tried very hard to support him through this. We noticed a lesion on his penis last week after we had had sex, but I knew nothing about herpes and we have been together a year snd a half. I asked him if there had been anybody else, not expecting a positive, he said, he had not had unprotected sex with anyone/ which was dodging the question, so I rephrased and turns out he met a couple on fabswingers and the woman only gave him a blow job. I asked if his unsheathed penis had at any point touched her genitals and he said it had. I suspect that he did have unprotected sex with her. I need to push to find out. In the meantime I have instructed him to get a herpes test asap and a whole raft of other tests for everything. I’m utterly devastated and not sure what to do, how to navigate this. I feel violated- I wasn’t given information or choice and dreading the results back from the tests. It’s excruciating and I’m on summer holidays with my children and am struggling to even get out of bed.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. What a horrible, cheating bastard putting your health at risk like that. Just unforgivable

my question is with fabswingers, I thought it had to be two couples - surely that’s what swinging is? So who was he coupled with??

I'm so sorry. This happened to my friend. Her DH tried to get her to take some meds by stealth and then tried to blame her by saying it was hpv that she'd had years ago, and must have been dormant for years. He lied until the gynae confirmed she had herpes & there's only one way her DH got it.

He admitted it. Prostitutes on a trip. I'd strongly believed all through out their marriage he was a serial cheater and wasn't at all surprised he got caught. I'm sad I was wrong. She got treatment and is in a much better situation now!

No, he went as a ‘bull’. Some men like to be cuckolded and watch their wives or girlfriends have sex with other men- so the other men come on their own. He has done a lot in this over the years. At the moment he is still saying it was just a blow job and no penetration. If it is just a blojob, then maybe the bright side is that it’s type 1 🤷🏻‍♀️

You staying with him?

@MermaidMummy06 - did she go on to live a normal life and have relationships? I’ve had terrible relationships- I thought the last one was bad enough and now this. I just don’t know how to move on from this and move forward. I will be dumping him folks, once I get all his test results through- I’m terrified of what they might show!!

@greenbean80 - I’m currently waiting for the test results from him. Then I will know what I need to worry about. If that makes sense?

Don’t wait before your results to end things with him. What’s the difference? He has already said he’s guilty.

If he's cheated then I'd just get tested to be certain, surely? There's no shame in these clinics, they've seen it all and more. Plus it'd be good to get a clean bill of health just for reassurance after everything I'd imagine.

Have you been tested for a uti/kidney infection considering your symptoms?

@AllTheChicken - I had antibiotics for a uti, which I finished yesterday and I have to say I feel massively better today!! Fingers crossed that was what it was

Do any of you have experience of herpes? What does life look like? Relationships? Dating? I’ve completely lost my mojo and don’t think that anyone will want to come near me again.

Herpes can be spread even with the use of condoms. You should notify potential partners before engaging in sexual contact to make sure they’re comfortable with the risk.

You need to wait to see if you have anything, you might just feel like you have symptoms because you are worried about having a UTI.

Whether he gave you anything or not he still cheated? You have more than an STI to worry about!

Your description of a “heavy feeling” sounds v much like herpes. I have experience in this area ( not a sufferer )
Some things I have learnt through study & along the way…

Ibuprofen is the best for the aches, tingling and heaviness.
As a pp has said, having a wee in warm water is a great help to dilute your urine near the lesions. Nice warm baths or showers will make you feel better relieving the pains.
Be scrupulous with your towels, flannels, bedding etc if you are having - or suspect - you will get an outbreak, it is contagious as you’ve found out.
You can now buy Antivirals over the counter or online, my friend gets hers online, they are reasonably cheap, very few questions asked. Always keep some handy, as soon as you feel an outbreak coming on, start the course of tablets.
It is now a very common disease, far more so than when I was studying.
Your “boyfriend” is the lowest of the low, I have no words for him.
Look after yourself, a bit of TLC for you, hot water bottles for aches, painkillers, plenty of sleep. This will pass.💐

You need to go get tested yourself for everything.

He's a liar and you can't trust him to tell you the truth.

You're saying he's done a lot of this before? So why are you still with him? I really don't get it. I hope for your sake it's not positive. You've got it from the horses mouth that he's cheated. Just dump the scumbag. Take care.

Well he doesn’t love you so you have to make your next move knowing that. No-one would put you at risk like that if they cared about you.

OP about 30 years ago I was doing my Viva oral exam we had to do 1000 hrs on the job training after 4 years uni. I was working at a pharmacy in a down and out area and a young girls skinny, teenager came in looking so ill. She handed me a prescription for antiviral, we didnt have them in stock so my prick of a boss made her wait 24 hrs instead of ringing around to borrow some off annother pharmacy (i would have been the one picking them up). She looked so lost, alone, frightened and in pain I just wanted to give her a hug. The first case is always the worst as pp have said. Very manageable with meds. This is the worst part. Best of luck and ditch the prick

@ThatCheeseNeedsEating - it was a thing he did before he met me. He was pretty coercive with me trying to get me into swinging, which I didn’t want to do at all, he was all sulky.

Your bf sounds vile. He's not only cheated on you but most likely given you a STI. Bin him off he's not a keeper.

Fair enough. Usually I'd say as its before he met you that's different. But it depends on what they did. Some are acceptable. This isn't. Sadly, he handed you a red flag and you chose to ignore it. He won't have changed. So sorry you were taken in by him. Hope all is ok with your results.

I'm angry on your behalf.

In terms of future dating, I think you should definitely tell someone if you have HSV-2 in particular. Both types can cause herpes on the genitals, but I would feel incredibly betrayed if someone didn't didn't tell me if they had HSV-2 at some point in their past, even if they thought it was now dormant. I have enough health problems to contend with as it is.

I'd recommend that you stay away from people who swing. Yes there are exceptions, but simply by having so many different sexual partners, they are exposed to more risks. The one person I knew who did things like that had genital herpes and other STIs from sleeping around so much.

Holy crap OP. He's not just a cheater. That Bull stuff is super grimy porn/sex work level stuff and he could be riddled with anything. If you knew he'd done that and that he'd tried to coerce you into swinging against your will and sulking about it, it's mad that you thought he'd just sack it off and become monogamous. Not blaming you and think it's horrible what he's done to you, but when you have the time and headspace it's worth working on why you'd stay with such a man.

They don't change so unless it's something that fits with your kinks (clearly not in this case) then it's a clear red flag and move on. If something else made you stay, that's what needs working on so they don't get chance to hurt you like this. Really sorry for what you're suffering and hope you get clarity and support asap.

He's lying to lessen the blow. What a cunt, kick him out

Herpes, as hard as it, can be managed.
It sounds very much like herpes to me. It can sometimes be hard to diagnose as you have to test an open sore.
The first attack is the worst by far.
There’s lots of advice online about how to manage attacks.
What is really damaging your health here is your attitude to men and poor boundaries. You’ve clearly had a tough past so why make your present so unhealthy and unhappy?
Why forgive a vile man like this over a fumble? It’s still cheating.
Take some time away from relationships and rebuild your physical and mental wellbeing.
Herpes often pops up again when you are run down/upset so your life needs to be as calm as possible.