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Original poster

Does anyone elses husband seem to resent them for being a sahm? (long - sorry)

46 replies

toratora · 26/06/2008 13:58

I am made to feel really guilty because I want to be at home bringing my daughters up. They are 5 and 3 and I am currently 16 weeks pregnant. If the house gets messy (which it does with 2 children running around) he asks what I have been doing all day. I have really struggled with the pregnancy this time being exhausted and incredibly emotional, which is making it harder to stay on top of the house and garden.

We are very lucky as money is not an issue but whenever we have a row he tells me that I don't contribute anything and that I have no right to an opinion as I don't bring any money in. I have stopped taking the girls out if we are invited for lunch or tea as he then tells me that my life is just so easy and that I should be at home in case he needs me.

I have thought about getting a part time job, but don't think that it is worth it as I am not very good at anything and would not be able to do it in holidays and I dont' think that any job I got would justify the cost of childcare and I love being at home with the girls.

Well done if you have got this far!

OP posts:
Twelvelegs · 26/06/2008 14:01

Would he notice if you spent an extra £20 a week on a cleaner?
Look at rates for the local nursery and ask for the going rate.
Sounds a bit controllling if you ask me, I think you need to sit him down and find out what's wrong. Stop staying in and waiting just in case he needs you, I would be out all day everyday just to make a point.
Do you have access to money?? Only I'm thinking this sounds like control and abuse.

smallwhitecat · 26/06/2008 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BeachBunni · 26/06/2008 14:07

I'm sorry but your dh sounds like a twit. In fact he sounds a bit controlling. You contribute nothing and have no right to an opinion?? You are doing one of the most worthwile jobs by bringing up his children and after being at home with my fb, I realise that being at home with kids is far more work than a full-time job. At least when you're at work you get a chance to sit down and relax for an hour at lunch and can go to the loo in peace. In fact was there not a recent report than a sahm's work is worth £40,000 p/a by the time you take in the cost of childcare, cleaning, cooking.
Could you maybe look into a p/t job for when your dh is at home? Maybe then he could see what hard work you put in and may give yourself a bit of self worth (something that your dh doesn't sound like he's helping)

HappyWoman · 26/06/2008 14:08

I hate this battle over who works hardest.

He is a fool and maybe next time the dcs are ill you could get him to look after them, and see if he could keep it all clean.

It is a hard job and my h used to be a bit like yours - but he had a few months off last year and boy did he have his eyes opened. We have 4 and he just had no idea about the washing cleaning cooking and endless clearing up.
Some days are so very easy but when something changes that routine (which is nearly everyday with 4) it is so hard.

How about getting cleaner in for a few hours to at least give you a break?
Also do not neglegt yourself - and if need be let him do some babysitting.

And please you are good at somethings - just running a house is hard enough. To give you a boost you could try doing some voluntry work - even if it is just at the mother and toddler group.

fairylights · 26/06/2008 14:16

can't believe your DH says such things!!
he sounds ridiculously controlling and sounds like he has no idea what it is like to be at home with small kids all day.
if my dh suggested any of the things you have mentioned i think he would be out on his ear..
your dh may have a stressful job (??) but my dh often says that however stressful his job gets, it is not much compared to dealing with a challenging toddler all day (and we only have one so far!). He actively encourages me to do stuff for myself when he is around to look after ds and very much sees our income as being a joint one because i am enabling him to pursue his career at the moment by looking after ds. I am not saying this to gloat and make you feel even worse - i just think (and am very glad) that my dh has a positive attitude to my being a SAHM. Sorry for your predicament - hope it improves for you.
p.s. i am sure you ARE good at some things - please don't let your dh's attitude towards you make you believe you "aren't good at anything". It sounds like you are VERY good at being a mum to your dc

Original poster
toratora · 26/06/2008 14:21

Thank you everyone - I have asked him before if he resents me being at home and he said of course not, but that I don't seem to have any idea of how hard he works. It should not be a battle as to who works harder and who is the most tired, and I try to make it easier for him by trying to make the house run smoothly, which I see as being my job and part of being at home with the children, I just don't get any money for doing it - I even take lunch out to him if he is busy working.

Having reread my post I sound really pathetic - I'm not, just feeling sorry for myself with the pregnancy and hormones all over the place. Still no excuse to put me down I know, I know deep down that what I do is important and never ending but I do have to keep reminding myself of that. I actually organised for cleaners to come in last week and blitz the house which really helped and made me feel more under control!

OP posts:
WilyWombat · 26/06/2008 14:23

I SAH but I have to say if my husband had this attitude I would go out to work WHATEVER!! If HE had to pay for a cleaner and a childminder maybe then he would realise the financial value of what you do!!

MrsMacaroon · 26/06/2008 14:35

Oooh, you sound really down on yourself...ignore him and do whatever you want. You deserve better and should really say so.

EffiePerine · 26/06/2008 14:44

Next time he said something along those lines, I'd tell him to stop being an arse. And ask if he thought that bringin up children was unimportant. Then I'd go on strike, or take the kids to my mum's or wherever for a few weeks and leave him to stew.

He is being completely unreasonable and needs to sort himself out. You on the other hand are doing a great job!

Alfreda · 26/06/2008 18:04

Just to give the opposite view: what he says is inexcusable but how stressed is he? As the breadwinner with a SAHD I have at times resented him because as the only earner I just have to carry on working, even though would like to do less. I would guess that you need a cleaner, and he needs a holiday.
Can you manage a few days together without teh kids, before the workload ramps up again with no. 3?

Fizzylemonade · 26/06/2008 18:44

I am a sahm and it is no picnic.

I agree with other posters, firstly some people do view being home as an easy option and at times it is, BUT the goalposts are always moving. I remember someone posting on here saying can you imagine if you went to work every day and someone had undone all the work you had done the day before!

I second the cleaner option, I wouldn't even tell him. Also I wouldn't be waiting home for any man who tells me I have it easy. It isn't like he is saying "I have missed you all so much in the day that there is nothing better than coming home to house full of love"

I am very lucky that I have a very supportive DH but then his own mother was a sahm so he knows the benefits from a child's POV.

To quote from the book The Slummy Mummy - Feminism has a lot to answer for as it has undermined the role of the sahm. Or something like that!!! We are only seen as worthwhile if we are out of the home actually earning cash.

I think he needs a day of looking after them and staying on top of everything. Is there any way you could make this happen???

Original poster
toratora · 26/06/2008 19:06

He is stressed with work and they are building up to the busiest time of year so he will be working until at least midnight every night for about 3 months. We are off on holiday for a week next week, with the dd's, so hopefully we will be able to relax a bit and have a chat about stuff. No chance of time away child free - my mum died a few years ago and mil will only have them over night - evening to morning, no longer, as she said that when you are a mother you don't get weekends off

Fizzylemonade - I had never thought of it in the way that you put it, I think I will ask him how he would feel if everyday he had to do the same things over and over! I completely agree about feminism undermining the role of a sahm, but I think that surely feminism has given me the choice to do this role?

Thank you everyone - I feel much better about myself having read all of the responses. Damn it I am doing a good job, my children are happy, clean, well fed and have a wonderful life - so surely that means that I am doing something right! Just going to make him realise that!

"Going to print this out and stick it round the house"

OP posts:
warthog · 26/06/2008 19:20

i HATE this attitude. looking after 2 kids, or 3 more like it plus pg - you are a saint and a very hard working one at that.

i would

a) not do anything for a day
b) go away for a saturday night so he can look after the kids for AT LEAST 24 hours. see how he gets on.

izyboy · 26/06/2008 19:23

toratora oh-my-god!!!!!!!!to your first post. I am a SAHM and I make sure that DH is fully aware at every point that the role is no picnic.

He would actually probably make a pretty good SAHD but does not envy me or put me down because he is aware that paid work can often be a 'break' from the kids.

izyboy · 26/06/2008 19:26

Look I'll have a bloody word with him - cheeky sod!!

LuckySalem · 26/06/2008 19:29

toratora - This sounds just like my DP. But he adds that it's ok for him to be a SAHD?

I think you should tell him to go jump!! lol

Leek · 26/06/2008 19:59

Liking your link!

BEAUTlFUL · 27/06/2008 09:17

"whenever we have a row he tells me that I don't contribute anything and that I have no right to an opinion as I don't bring any money in."

According to Dr Patricia Allen, if he is going to be the Alpha Male and provide financially for all of you, he actually should get to be the decision-maker in lots of areas. He is being "masculine energy" by providing, so you need to be "feminine energy". That means, you don't decide things, you tell him how you feel about things and then he decides, taking your feelings into consideration.

You make the decisions about the children, house and socialising, but he is in charge of the finances, where you live, what car you have, etc. He should ask for your feelings on stuff, but you shouldn't be undermining his role as "leader" (if you want this to work).

What was the argument about when he said that remark? Specifically, what were you discussing?

SazzlesA · 27/06/2008 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

eenybeeny · 27/06/2008 09:31

BEAUTIFUL - are you having a laugh?

sfxmum · 27/06/2008 09:34

he might need to stay home with the kids for a week

eenybeeny · 27/06/2008 09:35

Sorry BEAUTIFUL's post has reminded me of some very very sexist things I was taught when I was younger. And I find it intolerable.

The finer points of your post (BEAUTIFUL's post that is) is that the 'alpha male' husband can make all the decisions - but oh he will be gracious and listen to how the little wife feels. Even if he fully intends to ignore it. What total bullshit. If any woman is in a relationship like that I think I can promise she is not happy. I know several women in them who do it out of a belief that men are superior and let me tell you - they know its crap.

jellybeans · 27/06/2008 09:37

Your DP sounds abit bullying, trying to wear down your confidence, I think he is hitting you where it hurts, he knows this issue upsets you and that is why he says it. Maybe you could discuss with him..how much a childminder would be, how you are enabling him to work, how he is just as dependent on you (for childcare) as you are on him (his wage), does he not want a parent to bring up his kids? Anyway, as long as you enjoy SAH keep doing it, don't let him make you feel bad, chances are he would moan if you worked and say you aren't earning as much or aren't bothereing with your kids etc, he would find something else to criticise you with.

hamandhigh · 27/06/2008 09:37

Well, Beautiful, that's how it is on my house. I make the decisions regarding the children's emotional welfare and husband deals with everything else

nkf · 27/06/2008 09:39

He probably does resent you but knows he shouldn't so rather than saying so, he needles and nags and makes himself disagreeable. Not sure how people clear the air on this one. A frank chat maybe. I think some men can feel overloaded by the pressure to do all the earning and nobody thinks anyone works at home. Believe me, even if you are earning money at home, nobody thinks you are actually working. Hope it gets better. Good luck.

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