Does anyone elses husband seem to resent them for being a sahm? (long - sorry)

[toratora]

I am made to feel really guilty because I want to be at home bringing my daughters up. They are 5 and 3 and I am currently 16 weeks pregnant. If the house gets messy (which it does with 2 children running around) he asks what I have been doing all day. I have really struggled with the pregnancy this time being exhausted and incredibly emotional, which is making it harder to stay on top of the house and garden.

We are very lucky as money is not an issue but whenever we have a row he tells me that I don't contribute anything and that I have no right to an opinion as I don't bring any money in. I have stopped taking the girls out if we are invited for lunch or tea as he then tells me that my life is just so easy and that I should be at home in case he needs me.

I have thought about getting a part time job, but don't think that it is worth it as I am not very good at anything and would not be able to do it in holidays and I dont' think that any job I got would justify the cost of childcare and I love being at home with the girls.

Well done if you have got this far!

I thnk he is being a bully.
Is he having a hard time at work?
I think you need to explain to him what a benefit ist is for children to be with their mother in their formative years and how much you are contributing.

eeny beeny, it's not about letting him make decisions because you think he's "superior"! More like, if he's the one earning money, he should have the final say in the managing of it, after asking you how you feel about it.

If you don't think someone is going to be nice/generous just power-crazed and arrogant you shouldn't marry them, should you.

beautiful I just don't see it like that at all big decisions are all made by both of us
dh wants to be included in things to do with dd and we talk about money things and decide together, from which insurance to get to what service to use

sfxmum, that's how we do it in my house too. But our DHs seem OK with it that way. This was just a suggestion cos the OP's husband seemed unhappy with things as they are.

I guess whatever makes you happy

just makes me think that marriage and children do funny things to women and men and their relatioships

My friend's ex husband was like this. Complained about the same issues, the who works hardest debate, the 'you're sloppy' debate. They grew apart. She didn't seem to notice, no matter what her friends said to her. He left for someone else.

I'm not saying this is going to be the case for you, nor did this happen in a few months. Gradually over 4 years something changed.

Do something about this and ask him openly how he feels. You sound comfortably kept so why not employ a cleaner, ironing help, etc. Maybe do a course for yourself to polish up skills or learn something new. Gather more about what your dh is doing at work, support him, stroke his ego. I don't think it's fair to call him a twit, etc., the man is clearly unhappy about something.

Ask him what he wants from his family, you, the dc, home, life. Let him speak and listen. Affirm him: I understand, I value you, I see your point, I'm on your side, ... then tell things from your point of view.

I agree with many on here: he sounds under pressure from work and unhappy about having no chance to escape the ratrace.

Well if he resents the pressure on him to be the main breadwinner then he should be happy for you to get at least a part-time job.
If he doesn't like that idea then the problem is that he thinks you are not really a person, you are a 'woman' and therefore exist for his benefit.
Some people do live happily in these sub-dom marriages (which they prefer to call 'traditional') but that only works when both partners have chosen, thought about and thoroughly discussed their respective roles, and value each other's contributions. If only one partner is content then there is something wrong in the partnership, if one partner thinks that everything would be OK if the other partner would just obey change then there is still something wrong IN THE PARTNERSHIP.
Sit him down and say you need to work out a solution that benefits all of you, and that does not include him just telling you what to do: he has to understand that your feelings and needs and wishes matter every bit as much as his.

Would like to add: Being under pressure cannot be used as a 'get out of jail card' to have his way and disrespect you!

I bet Beautiful has a kind of sado-masochistic thing going on where she thrills to his whip and licks his boots clean or something. It's clearly all very unhealthy and rather sordid, and if I were her, I'd keep my pervy ideas to myself, frankly.

What Alfreda said (I'm also breadwinner, married to SAHD, we have three DCs).

Agree that her suggestion of a weekend away and some quality time for both of you is a very good one.

"I should be at home in case he needs me"

wtf tell him to naff off. You are raising his kids, he should be grateful, its a partnership and he is displaying an appalling lack of respect for you

I'm the main breadwinner at the mo in our relationship and DH is largely a SAHD so I understand how difficult it is from both sides. I would NEVER EXPECT my DH to do anything, we discuss and agree and I have enough respect for him to ensure he has time to himself as he does for me

Agree with other posters you need a serious conversation and you need to decide what is acceptable to you and stick by it

just ignoring him it wont make it go away will it? clearly he has an issue and you both need to talk.

I would hate it if my DH had this attitude. It's ungrateful and controlling.
You could try pointing out that a SAHM has an economic value. When I was a trainee solicitor in matrimonial cases, this was the basis upon which the non working spouse acquired her/his share of the assets. Not just the cleaning, cooking, childcare, washing, shopping, appointments, paperwork but the underlying emotional support for the working spouse.

I would just like to point out that an agreed and negotiated relationship where one partner is the boss, whether you call it a traditional marriage or a BDSM relationship, is not inherently wrong. It's just not suitable for everyone, and if one partner is unhappy with it then it needs to be changed.

Is money the only thing that counts in your house then? This attitude makes me so mad. What price is the contribution of love and care and devotion?

Hi toratora
havent read all the posts yet but totally have the same thing with my husband. he is resentful a lot but doesnt seem to realise that childcare for two little ones would mean it is not much worth me working.

Also, many abusers people don't show their arsehole arrogant bully side till you have been with them for a while. There is a very good book called Wifework by Susan [someone, can't remember the name] which details the assumptions a lot of people make and the behaviour patterns that are more deeply ingrained than people think ie a lot of people change after marriage and start wanting (almost subconsciously) their partner to fulfill a traditional role. Despite the fact that the current 'traditional roles' are in fact very recent in terms of human development.

MsDemeanour! Wash your keyboard out! I wrote to sfxmum: "That's how we do it in our house too", meaning, my marriage is like sfxmum's, as she'd just described it - we share all decisions. But my DH does love it when I dust off my copy of "The Surrendered Wife" and go all subservient for... ooh, 5 minutes.

How dare he make you feel anything less than an equal partner!

didn't get that beautiful

I don't think there is a prescribed way of being but as people and roles change over the time of a relationship I think expectations and feelings need to be continually discussed and re-negotiated .
there are many ways of being complacent and it does not help in the long run