We're in a rut.... and I've only just spotted it.... which makes it even worse (long)

[GreenwichLightVesselAutomatic]

we were together for 15 years before dd1 came along and were as sickenly couply as can imagine. DD1 was long prayed for DD2 was a suprise 5 months later.

They're now 1 and 2 and I've only just realisd that we're existing over the top of them - if you see what I mean rather than together. We get dd1 to bed at 7 if she doesnt have a lunchtime nap but shes hysterically tired by then and hard to cope with, so she often still has her nap in which case shes up until 9. We really need to go to bed at 10 to be up at 6 so there is no time to do anything. I work a .7 FTE so every spare second is spent on housework.

We haven't laughed in ages privately unless its something that dds have done.

I used to feel like he'd love me forever regardless (he chased me for years in our youth and I always had the upper hand) but I just had a cold shiver and realised in the last year hes not shown that much interest. This is in huge contrast to the almost too possessive nature of his love for me before (nothing freaky - just a bit full on and always wanting to be with me when I quite liked lots of time to myself)
Now I realise we're almost always in the same room but we're not communicating with each other or even doing the same thing...

It was an exhausted companionable silence when the girls were both babies and we were desperately sleep deprived. Now its just an awful habit and I dont know what to do.

Rant over

bump? anyone got any ideas?

turn off the tv
or plan a night in together( not necc sex) just like a mobie wiht sharey food maybe

hold on that makes no sense
oyu knwo what i mean.
haev a party

Have you got anyone who can look after them while you go away for a weekend? They're still quite small nd I bet hard work, sounds like you and dh need to spend some proper time together.

I think it's very easy to get bogged down in domestic drudgery and forget to do things for each other and tihnk about each other. Mine are older now (10 and 4) and it's a lot easier from that POV as I can tell them to bugger off for half an hour if dh and I want a chat.

Get a babysitter, go out for dinner, ban all talk of DD's. Or even skip dinner and just go for drinks. Meet him there straight from work so you don't travel together, treat it as a date and put your sexiest undies on!

What interests do you share? Could you read the same book and then turn the tv off for an evening and talk about it?

Forget the housework for a day or so and spend the hour talking.

I'm horribly afraid that I might have nothing left in my brain to talk about to him about other than the DD's. I suppose when it comes down to it thats the crux of it (this is only occurring to me now). I think about very little else. They seem to take up my whole brain.

my interests have become limited to 2 things, DD's and sleep.

Fuck - Its actually my fault isnt it? I've got boring.

Go for a night/weekend away, maybe somewhere you went before children. Have a few drinks.

We're the same but we soon get back to 'normal' once we have time alone and it's just enough of a reminder of why we got together in the first place to cope with the regular drudgery. Must be doubly difficult for you as you didn't have time to get back to 'normal' after DD1 before the 2nd came along.

Sounds familiar greenwich. I think most couples experience this to a greater or less extent.

And I agree that you need to get away as a couple. BUT IMO and IME you need time to be you as well. If you never have time to yourself you won't have anything much to offer each other when you do get time together.

Please stop being so hard on yourself. You have two small children - actually one baby and one who is not much more than a baby - and you work as well.

Fine, you've noticed that you're in a rut and want to get out of it. Great - go for it!

I really think you should start by talking to your DH - maybe he's happy with the exhausted companiable silences and hasn't yet had the dawning realisation that you have.

I have some experience of this, and DH and I have realised that we need some shared expereinces to talk about, so we make a conscious effort to do things together now. It's not easy, and we only have one child of 6!

I think you're right to be aware of this as a potential problem in your relationship, but I really don't think it's unusual to be very focused on your babies for a while. But if you're still happy to be mostly mummy, and he's happy too, there might not be a problem at all.

But that;s not because you're boring, it's because if you have TWO children AND they're VERY small there isn't an awful lot of your brain left for interesting and stimulating adult things. That's normal. But if you actually had some time away you could go to the cinema, see a play, go to an exhibition, walk a coastal path, see a concert, visit somewhere you've always been interested in, sit and read books you've wanted to read for ages, have breakfast lunch ASND dinner that you haven't had to shop for, cook or clear up after...

THEN you'd have something else in your brain.

this is so normal dont beat yourself up about it

babyshock is a great book about this as is 'babyproof your marriage'

you are right to try and break some patterns or set up some new ones - id recommend when kids finally go to bed have a drink together no tv and chat about the day - babies/work/social stuff - then eat/watch tv or whatever.

find a babysitter you can pop out for an hour or two - it inspires better conversation being out

and remember that you are both tired - not just you - so he probablly doesnt have the same level of energy/lust etc - not for a while but it comes back!

I find it easiest to have fairly generic debates about things to get my brain in gear - politics, feminism, nature vs nurture - something that you both have already formed opinions on. Even better if there is something you used to be passionate about pre-baby. If that fails talk about him, his job, where you want to be in 5 years, dreams etc.

this has been bizarely cathartic - even more than I anticipated. I've just had a really good think and I've realised that things have shifted fundamentally. I was always rather smugly aware that he had me on a pedestal so I didnt have to do much. I told him about my adventures and he looked at me with big puppy eyes I dont have any adventures and I'm rather frumpy, rather grumpy and dont have any adventures anymore. I've managed to miss this sea change. I've lost me.

have oyu been to BEautiful?

and georgia nad california?

"Paradsie" i mean - i am sure once verse is "beautiful"

cod is that you?

go out for dinner-talk,get pissed, have sex

that'll do it

I am assuming its cod - hello cod. If its not you cod, chicken, you're in trouble.

(name changer)

just spent ages trying to google too beautiful etc....

nowt.

No point in false modesty on a name changed thread - I was a fox

GLVA...
The only advice I can give you is take action at once now you have seen the problem...

I have been where you are, the only convosation was about the kids, the school, the Dr/Dentist appointments, what bill to pay first etc...
Sadly it crept up very slowly, when I did address when was the last time we did something for us/had time for us/had a chat it was still not resolved.
Endless DH we should have a night out, (no money), we should have a weekend away (no money) we should have a convosation (about what).

In the end DH went out with his friends Football Tuesday and Saturday quiz Sunday and Wednesday and I went out with mine or sat on MSN/mumsnet.
We did little as a family either as it was work/school/cook/clean/shop/bed.

I think if you can get some time away just the two of you you should

I think the fishy/poultry hybrid is referring to this classic.

'I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo
And showed 'em what I got' conjures up an image of Charlene I'd rather not have ta very much.

iev been to paradise but

ive

never been ot meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

yes getting pissed is a hoot when oyu ahevtn done it for a wheil
haev a naffola cheese and wine aprty wiht a few folks

Actually the lyrics are pretty relevant. OK, they're utterly shit, but they're relevant . It's worth watching that clip just to see if you can get past the 'talky bit' in middle without vomiting.