We're in a rut.... and I've only just spotted it.... which makes it even worse (long)

[GreenwichLightVesselAutomatic]

we were together for 15 years before dd1 came along and were as sickenly couply as can imagine. DD1 was long prayed for DD2 was a suprise 5 months later.

They're now 1 and 2 and I've only just realisd that we're existing over the top of them - if you see what I mean rather than together. We get dd1 to bed at 7 if she doesnt have a lunchtime nap but shes hysterically tired by then and hard to cope with, so she often still has her nap in which case shes up until 9. We really need to go to bed at 10 to be up at 6 so there is no time to do anything. I work a .7 FTE so every spare second is spent on housework.

We haven't laughed in ages privately unless its something that dds have done.

I used to feel like he'd love me forever regardless (he chased me for years in our youth and I always had the upper hand) but I just had a cold shiver and realised in the last year hes not shown that much interest. This is in huge contrast to the almost too possessive nature of his love for me before (nothing freaky - just a bit full on and always wanting to be with me when I quite liked lots of time to myself)
Now I realise we're almost always in the same room but we're not communicating with each other or even doing the same thing...

It was an exhausted companionable silence when the girls were both babies and we were desperately sleep deprived. Now its just an awful habit and I dont know what to do.

Rant over

It's so hard with small children, I know. When you are trying to get the day to day stuff done, pay the mortgage, keep the house clean, children fed and happy etc etc... it's easy to get in a rut.

But it sounds like you still have a good relationship underneath all of the above.

Just spending small amounts of time doing something nice, maybe a meal made together, share a bath, listen to some nice music, look through some old photo's....

I've found that you have to make it special, it doesn't just happen no matter how much you love each other.

I've been with my dh 14 years, he's a gem and I adore him, we don't have a lot of 'us' time, but we try and do something that's just for us every so often and we make sure we hug every day too.

Talk to him.

thanks people. FWIW we shag like rabbits then forget to cuddle afterwards - how sad is that?

I'm thinking of putting all this in to practice and making some proper time to talk. Bit sad I cant 'just do it' there is a house full of wet footprints, wet towels, breakfast bowls with Weetacrete glued on, spaghetti confetti decorating, no food for our meal this evening, no ironed clothes or packed lunches for tomorrow blah blah BUT I plan to do more than the basic minimum tonight and jump him tomorrow. Might even leave the washing up after supper

If anyone is kind enough to comment later and I dont reply its because I picked a FARKIN STUPID NAME TO CHANGE TO and I'm being too lazy to swap between it and usual badge very often.

Cod - most particularly a thank you to you. I plan to begin tomorrow nights TALK by asking him if he minds if I sing him something that might express how I feel...sigh... stares into middle distance....

I think I'd sort out the bedtime routine, tbh. Nine o'clock is horrifically late - no wonder you don't feel you have any couple-time. You don't have any time.

The house needs to be tidied, dinner cooked and clared, then you have, what, 10 minutes to yourself?

Could you eat with the kids so you don't have to cook another dinner later on, and enforce a v strict 7pm bedtime so you'd have longer evenings?

Then you could have some "beauty nights" (where you lock yourself in the bathroom and do some Bionic-style, we-can-rebuild-her fake-tanning, exfoliating, waxing, etc) and sort through your clothes so you'd feel less frumpy.

If he chased you for years, he'll always be ga-ga for you so don't worry about emotional things -- this really could be a simple, practical issue that you need to grab a bit more time back from the children to spend as a couple.

It takes about a year after baby IME to get back on track and think about sth else.

If you're already managing to keep up the sex, I would tend to think you'll get back on track soon enough.

I also think v. young children give you such burn-out that you just really need your own space in the evenings - so it's hard to want to make the effort to connect with your partner.

If you're already aware there's a problem, i'm sure you'll manage to fix it before it becomes major?