Toxic obsession with an ex who treats me like a hookup—should I just keep sleeping with him?

[HealingHeart8]

I fell in love with a guy and we became "official." Out of nowhere, after 8 months, he dumped me for no reason. Turns out he was cheating on me the whole time and had another woman. After a while, he came back, said he regretted it, and because I loved him, I believed him and took him back. But guess what? He hadn't dropped the other woman at all.
Looking back, I realize he never actually saw me as a girlfriend; he put zero effort into me and never even bought me a single gift. I was basically just a convenience to him. Furious, I went to find the other girl and told her everything. Instead of being reasonable, she blamed me, said "he's going to be mine," and literally kissed him right in front of my eyes. And get this: even though she knows he cheated on her too, she chose to stay with him because apparently, he's very good in bed.
That whole scene completely crushed my pride and it's eating me alive inside. Now, I don't want a relationship with him anymore, but I've developed this weird, unhealthy obsession—I can't seem to be intimate with anyone else, I can't stand anyone else touching me, and I keep craving his scent.
The guy is now messaging me saying, "Don't tell her anything, let's keep hooking up."
Should I go along with this and keep seeing him, or am I just doing myself a massive disservice and destroying my own self-respect? Has anyone else dealt with this kind of toxic fixation? How did you break it?

Ah ok. Well to be blunt, your self esteem is in tatters and you're trauma bonded. The sex is so good partly because it actually massages his ego to be good at it, and the excitement comes from the toxic on and off situation. You end up being dependent on that feeling like it's some sort of drug.

Other people are good at sex and they will treat you right. You need to block him on everything, continue with therapy, then meet someone who isn't a cheating arsehole (once you're ready).

Neither you or the other woman are winners here, he is the only winner because you're both allowing it. He knows what he's doing and has zero respect for either of you.

You'll get over it, I promise you. But you need to cut him out first and start integrating yourself with other people. Advice up thread to volunteer or join a hobby/club is the best way to start this. Volunteering especially gives you a sense of purpose and you'll meet lovely people along the way.

How are you supporting yourself financially, OP?

I used to work, now I get support from my family. As for the money part, this guy also took a sum of money from me and won't give it back; I've already taken him to small claims court

Yes, my self-esteem is in tatters. I've lost belief that I will ever love or be loved again. I've started comparing myself to the other woman. I'm 32 and she is 25, and I keep wondering if he left me for her because she is younger. His erratic behavior towards me is what hooked me to him. The other woman fought with him and got to meet his family. And because she was cheated on, she made him buy her gifts. He spends money on her, maybe that's why she doesn't leave him. But he is of no use to me at all, I need to get out

I was a couple of years younger than you when my ex left and immediately started seeing someone a couple of years younger than the other woman you're talking about (true story, same age difference!), and I felt so down on myself thinking it was because she was younger. A decade on and I honestly was rather gorgeous, but I couldn't see it at the time because of how badly I thought about myself - mostly because of how he made me feel about myself.

Now I see that age probably was something to do with it, but not because of being more attractive, because less experience and putting up with more shit for longer. Buying gifts doesn't prove love or loyalty.

I only read the title and it was a ‘no, wtf are you thinking’

You know the answer.

Why are you harming yourself? You should realise that men like him usually manipulate others, including your girlfriend and everyone else. Anyone can be good at sex, but being a good person requires effort, morals, and setting boundaries. You have the choice to remain unhappy with no self-respect or to respect yourself and engage in activities you enjoy. Men won't bring happiness; only good decisions and refusing to tolerate bad treatment will.

Yes, he uses a very masterclass manipulation tactic.It's better for me to be alone; as long as I keep doing this, it will never end.I'll always be the one who gets hurt

Have some respect for yourself and get rid of him!
if you don’t have any respect for yourself nobody else will.
This all sounds very childish.

I don't have any holidays planned.My brother is helping me. I gave the money I saved from working before to the man I mentioned as a loan, but I couldn't get it back. I put a lot of effort into him, but I didn't get anything in return

You’re 32 and “don’t have the energy to work” ffs get a grip, ditch the arsehole, having a job will give you some self respect and distract you from his hold over you.

Many years ago now, I was in a similar situation. Trust me when I say that if you keep having sex with him, no matter how mind blowing, you will end up hating yourself for it.
No orgasm is worth the loss of self esteem that comes from being used for sex.
Block him on everything and get yourself up and doing stuff to keep your mind occupied on other things.

On your other post you said you found out about the cheating and dumped him - but on here you say he dumped you out of nowhere and you only found out about the cheating after.

It’s almost as if you’re changing the narrative to fit whatever you want from the comments.

This man is 13 years older than you and now dating a woman 7 years younger than you, who is young with to be his daughter - how does that alone not give you the ick?

He is disgusting. And he will continue to use you as long as you continue to let him.

You need to block him everywhere. You need to really engage with your therapy. You are 32 - if you want to have children in your future, you need to do all this now or you will waste your remaining fertile years pining after a man who bid incapable of loving you. If you don’t want children, you want to focus on finding love now before all the good men are gone, or you find that men with children are in your future. Basically give yourself bloody good reason to force yourself to stop seeing this arsehole.

I always suspected he was cheating on me, but he always denied it. To finally prove it so he couldn't deny it anymore, back in May of last year, I reached out to him from a fake social media account and asked if he had a girlfriend, and he replied saying no, let's meet up. I proved he was cheating on me and broke up with him. But then he convinced me he wasn't cheating, claiming that so many people write to him like that and he only answered that way to find out who it was, and we continued our relationship. But then in August, he suddenly left me, and I later found out that he had been cheating on me all along with that other woman. Yes, he is dating a woman young enough to be his daughter—he even has a 21-year-old daughter of his own. Right now, it feels like that 25-year-old girl won and I lost, and it hurts deeply. But I am finally going to stop seeing him and walk away. Thank you for your comment and for opening my eyes

It turns out that the 25-year-old girl also had a boyfriend of five years.However, when my ex kept sending her flattering messages, she was drawn to him and ended up cheating on her own boyfriend. I actually spoke with her ex-boyfriend, and he is devastated.He said he sacrificed everything for her, yet she betrayed him for a 45-year-old man, and now she can reap what she sows.They started their relationship by breaking two other people's hearts, and somehow they act like they're happy—they clearly share the exact same toxic mindset.But the fact that he still tries to reach out and wants to see me proves that he doesn't genuinely love her either

You really need to block any contact with this deeply flawed and unpleasant man.

Find something to do with your time that stops you ruminating over him constantly and do something with your life that doesn’t revolve around men and relationships.

How would this ever end well? He's an arsehole and he's not going to change. You're hurting yourself, disrespecting yourself. You can be happy single, you can date someone else. This isn't healthy or good for you. Walk away. It's not a win lose situation re dating him. He's disgusting and a user. Girl move on. BLOCK HIM.

I have read both OP’s threads.
This man is 45. Does he have children because with his behaviour there are probably a few knocking around, completely neglected.
He is sleeping with a young woman of 25, God knows why she’s putting up with him.
You are thinking about him all day and obsessing over him because your mind has nothing else to think about.
I don’t know what your background is, what your childhood was like, or what you saw in relationships growing up, but if the memory of this man is stopping you leading any kind of life, that makes you sound very vulnerable to me.
He does not care about you. He’s manipulated you and stolen from you. He does not love this younger woman. He’s a deeply damaged and dangerous man and at 45 he’s just about getting away with it. By 50, he will start looking pathetic.
At 32, is this what you want from life?
When I went through a really bad time I can remember someone sending me a little film and the theme was this - nobody is coming to save you.
It felt a bit harsh at the time but it stayed with me. Nobody was coming to save me.
I got some help ironically when I asked for it, and the rest I decided to do myself. It’s fine to start small - wash your hair, get out of the house, listen to a podcast. You have to break the awful routine you are in of ruminating.
Forget about dating for a while. You need a job, some friends and a life of your own.
Right now you are a vulnerable woman and an easy mark for another awful man.

The man has children, one is 19 and the other is 21, and they stay with their mother. As you said, they are neglected children—he separated from their mother 13 years ago, and their mother took care of them. Now, his current girlfriend restricts him from seeing his children, and they are constantly fighting because of it. I never once interfered with his relationship with his kids. I know that no one is coming to save me; I have to do it myself. I am going to try my best to stay away and protect myself. I want to start exercising again, work on myself, hold onto life tightly, and bring the lost sparkle back into my eyes. Ever since this man walked into my world, I haven't been able to truly laugh the way I used to, and I am finally ready to find myself again

Hi op I know how hard it is when you meet someone you have that incredibly chemistry with and the sex is so good to just stop.
but if alll you want is casual good sex and no relationship , there are lots of men able to provide this - look at apps like feeld there will be more honest situations with men who are good in bed.

however if you want a decent relationship doing dates etc then block your ex and start dating the normal way again and get a vibrater

@HealingHeart8 you deserve a happy future.
Imagine being 21 and your dad is sleeping with someone close in age to you? Creepy.
Honestly, one day you will look back and wonder why you were fussed about him anyway.
Keep taking those little steps, every day.

Hello.

I can see where you are coming from. This man is dangling you on a string and you are sick of it.

When you write it all down, he has tons of shit things about him, things you don't respect, yet you are fixated on him.

I'm afraid you are going to need to go no contact and start counting the days. Block him on everything. Day one.

Then with him gone, the reality of your own life is going to show itself - this is your starting point.

You have mentioned some things you need to get started on. I'd say, get going!

Low self esteem? Read up on what to do.
Exercise? Start today.

Anything and everything can be sorted out.

We have all been there with obsessing over someone that doesn't like us. Nothing ever changes it. That is all there is to it. The best thing to do is to focus on your own life, deliberately erase this man and start again from the beginning.

This alone will improve your self esteem by the way....