Should I address possible tension before a long weekend away?

[Orangeparakeet]

I wasn’t sure where to post this as it’s not really a relationship issue but more of a situation of clashing personalities, although I might be making this unnecessarily difficult for myself.

A good friend has had some difficult times and we thought it might not be a bad idea for her to join me and my partner for a long weekend on our holiday. It’s a location we go to often, so not a novel place, and my
partner was happy with this too.

The problem is that she has recently been diagnosed with a condition and since it’s early days she talks about it a lot. I don't mind it although sometimes she can be a bit much, but my partner has a very low tolerance towards this and I know that he will be losing patience quickly, and the last thing I want is for this to blow up because the two have opposing views. I know that this might sound ridiculous but he is pretty black and white and I’m worried that he will snap at her at some stage.

I have not told her about this because I don’t really know how to. I think it would be reasonable to suggest that we discuss this when it’s just the two of us together than all three, but I’m not sure if that will sound weird. Would this be weird if a friend suggested this to you?

So long story short, long weekend with 2 people who will absolutely disagree on a topic that will likely come up because it’s important to one of them. And yes, im
aware that this is a problem that I have created myself by not thinking it through.

Yes you should definitely address this with you partner before the weekend so he doesn't behave like dickhead with your struggling friend who you have both agreed to have join you. Surely he can go do something else if he finds it so difficult to hear her talking about her recent diagnosis

I think it's weird that you're going to ask your friend not to discuss her condition when it's your partner that needs to be patient and wind his neck in.

Why can't he just let her speak and be the expert on her own condition without being a jerk about it?

It’s hard to say, OP. I mean, I wouldn’t be crazy about having a weekend of my holiday taken up with my partner’s friend discussing his lupus 24/7.

It's ADHD, isn't it OP? And before I get jumped on, I have ADHD so can sympathise with the desire to talk about it and process the revelations that comes with it, but I can see why your DP isn't thrilled about hearing it on repeat.

Could DH not agree to just steer the conversation elsewhere rather than challenging her on it? I don't know that sitting down to address it is going to have the desired effect and will likely cause more tension tbh

Yeah, it is ADHD. He usually doesn’t engage when a topic doesn’t interest him or he gets unreasonably annoyed about this one.

Does your partner have "low tolerance" of this because he doesn't want to talk about your friend's diagnosis 24/7 (fair enough) or because he's one of those people who's dismissive about neurodiversity and mental health? Because the latter isn't something I'd tolerate in a partner.

Assuming the former I would do two things. One, plan his coping strategy in advance. This should be as simple as starting by keeping his mouth closed and not saying anything sarcastic when he feels like it, but also having an out to absent himself when it gets too much - whether walking on ahead or having an early night or just going somewhere else to do his own thing.

Secondly I would take any opportunity you have when it's just you and your friend to talk about her diagnosis. It's a bore for you but she's your friend, and the idea would be that she'd say all she needs to say when she's alone with you and hopefully be more interesting company when your partner joins you.

Oh and thirdly if she does go on and on when it's the three of you I would be proactive in steering the conversation on to something else. Don't just sit there and passively let her rabbit on and on. "Look at that bird!" "What do you think of these restaurants for tonight?" "Shall we walk there tomorrow?" "Let's do shots!" ANYTHING.

You need to have a word with him, not her.

It's supposed to be a nice thing you're doing for her, so he needs to actually follow through and make it a nice thing by not getting unreasonably annoyed by something that has nothing to do with him.

It's not so nice a thing if you have to tell her don't talk about the diagnosis in front of him cos he'll be an arse.

Obviously steer her away from the topic if she's talking about it incessantly but everyone shouldn't have to tiptoe around it because BigMan's got a bee in his bonnet about it.

I would have a diplomatic word with both of them separately before the trip.

For your DH, ‘look, friend is newly diagnosed and I know you don’t agree with X, Y and Z, but just for this weekend can you tolerate her a little bit extra?’

For your friend, ‘I know your diagnosis is new and a big deal, I really want to support you with it, but DH is a bit sensitive about other people and their health so can we save that chat for the two of us this weekend?’

Hopefully this will at least reduce the issue!

Knew it was going to be "adhd"

I agree with @Quizzled - I think a word with both of them separately is the best solution here. He needs to be a bit more tolerant, she needs to be aware that her diagnosis is not as interesting to others as it is to her.

Why would anyone talk lots about their medical condition on a holiday? You'll be going places, seeing things...

I mean, given the circumstances, why did you invite her?

Before you go, tell them both that topic X is absolutely not to be mentioned whilst the three of you are away together, and you will totally lose your shit with both of them if they start arguing about it.

You asked your friend along on your weekend away ? Depending on how much time you get as a couple I would have been peeved. But you did say your partner agreed.

I would let them get on with it, if they have a row so be it, they are adults after all. I have seen many a debate and when people get shitty have enjoyed just saying I remain as ever like Switzerland in WW2, neutral. Then I get to piss everyone off. Seems unkind? this is how DH Father, Mother and sister operated/operate,

I think I’d cancel the weekend. I’d be pissed off with someone going on about their newly diagnosed adhd while away on a break. I’d also be annoyed with your partner for dealing with it badly.
can you tell your pal that you are happy to chat about it when you are on your own but that you don’t want to when you are all together.

I'd ask your DH to be more tolerant if your friend does bring up the subject, let him know you'll have a quiet word with her if and when it happens. I think it's a bit much to assume your friend is going to talk about her condition a lot if she has the nice distraction of being away on holiday. It may upset her for no reason if it's a situation which doesn't crop up.

Me too. Recipe for disastet!

This isn’t a new health condition though? 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ it’s something she has been born with and part of learning to manage it is knowing when to stop going on about things to other people that they don’t want to hear about! Tell your friend bluntly that you are having a weekend away and it’s a break from everything and you and your partner don’t want to discuss anything health wise etc and want a break away from life and if she doesn’t think she can manage that then maybe she shouldn’t be coming

I agree with this. Even if you lose a little bit of money on deposits it's better than having to jolly everything along or be the peace maker.

Go solo with your partner as usual another time, and engage with your friend as you want to separately.

It sounds like you or them will be walking on eggshells for 2 nights away, it's hardly relaxing.

Also, maybe have a think about how you want to manage YOUR 1-1 friendship with your friend. Your partner shouldn't be expected to be "buffer".

If you find her tiring/draining/intense to be out with, you need to address this with her or reduce the time you spend with her.

When I was younger I kept friendships with fairly difficult/draining people and often dragged partners into it to try to dilute the situation. This wasn't fair on them.

You know this isn't going to work. Cancel the weekend.

You're bringing along someone who has been talking mainly about their health condition and your partner finds that annoying.

I'd be annoyed myself. People who go on and on about their health can be boring and a bit selfish. You're going to be using your energy to soothe her on what was supposed to be a couple's weekend and your partner is going to be irritated and feeling a bit left out. I think it was a bad idea to invite her in the first place.

I'm sure this will descend into another ADHD bashing post... 😒🙄

Exactly!

It depends on how your friend goes on about it. If everything she does gets a ‘oh that’s my ADHD’ or if she talks about it with no interest in anything anyone else has to say about it or doesn’t want to talk about any other topic , then it would drive me potty after a while. Yes I have ADHD and I would bore myself going on about it or hearing someone else talk relentlessly about it. I would be tempted to talk to them both separately. Other half please be patient. Friend, my other half finds it difficult talking about it a lots he gets a bit overwhelmed by it. Let’s go for walks and talk about it together.
if she just brings it up every now and then as it’s something she is working through and it is a conversation you can all contribute to, then you need a word with you other half.

Just to clarify. She will just join us for a long weekend, as we’ll be staying for longer as the apartment is my partners in his home country. He is fine with her coming along as it gives him the chance to meet up with his friends without me tagging along and I can spend some time with my friend. I have already spoken to him and he’s grudgingly agreed to keep his mouth shut as long as it doesn’t become a frequent topic. I think I’ll just have to be direct if tension does come up.
There were some good suggestions here and I will heed them and also speak to her but I’ll have to think how to package it, so she won’t think of him as a total ass. As I said he is very black and white which she knows, but I don’t want her to feel offended either.