Should I address possible tension before a long weekend away?

[Orangeparakeet]

I wasn’t sure where to post this as it’s not really a relationship issue but more of a situation of clashing personalities, although I might be making this unnecessarily difficult for myself.

A good friend has had some difficult times and we thought it might not be a bad idea for her to join me and my partner for a long weekend on our holiday. It’s a location we go to often, so not a novel place, and my
partner was happy with this too.

The problem is that she has recently been diagnosed with a condition and since it’s early days she talks about it a lot. I don't mind it although sometimes she can be a bit much, but my partner has a very low tolerance towards this and I know that he will be losing patience quickly, and the last thing I want is for this to blow up because the two have opposing views. I know that this might sound ridiculous but he is pretty black and white and I’m worried that he will snap at her at some stage.

I have not told her about this because I don’t really know how to. I think it would be reasonable to suggest that we discuss this when it’s just the two of us together than all three, but I’m not sure if that will sound weird. Would this be weird if a friend suggested this to you?

So long story short, long weekend with 2 people who will absolutely disagree on a topic that will likely come up because it’s important to one of them. And yes, im
aware that this is a problem that I have created myself by not thinking it through.

Nice you're supportive but please be mindful about your own boundaries.

Your partner "could" be nicer but equally as someone who has "supported" people through similar I wish I'd put up firmer boundaries myself. No good deed goes unpunished.

As someone with ND myself, the world isn't sympathetic to people who monologue or behave in a socially unskilled or erratic way that draws attention to themselves.

Regardless of the cause.

If she is genuinely taking responsibility and actively exploring medication (you can get Modafinil online) and routines and self-care then fair enough.

She should be coming up with practical systems for symptoms, not emotionally dumping on you and expecting you to problem-solve.

If she's been diagnosed and thinks that means you have to commit to "supporting" her (whilst your partner is the bad guy for not wanting to be dragged into this) it will become tiring very fast.

It seems you're already tiptoeing around her feelings (has she a tendency to monologue or gulit trip you before?).

She will lose a LOT of allies if she insists on people giving her their full attention when she wants to talk about her diagnosis (and I'm not actually sure what help it gives her to just talk tbh).

What do you mean when you say he has a different view? Is he an expert in neurodiversity? Does he disagree with the diagnosis? Is he a qualified professional in this field? What is his opposing view?

Would he have this opposing view if she had diabetes or cancer or a broken arm? Is ADHD not 'real' enough?

TBH, he sounds like he is an ass. And he will offend her. Maybe be honest with your friend and let her know he's a dick and lacking in empathy and not to discuss personal stuff in his company. Plan stuff for the two of you without him. That way he's happy and she won't feel uncomfortable/judged/dismissed/gaslit

He sounds like a prat. What is his problem? He doesn't believe in ADHD? If he starts I'd shut him down with zero compassion.

More or less. He thinks that it’s overhyped and often an excuse or attention seeking.
She knows that he is severely lacking in empathy but he generally keeps his mouth shut.

I hope he doesn’t have the full set of self righteous bloke beliefs: gender behaviours are evolutionary, mental health problems are weakness, diversity is unfair, there’s too much immigration, kids need more discipline, etc.

I would be arranging a LOT of things to do! If she is ADHD she will most likely cancel on you anyway!

He sounds a lovely chap....why is it you're with him?

He is a good partner overall

Lacking in empathy and calling neuro divergent people 'attention seekers'? Blimey, your bar must be pretty low!

Iconically, you don’t sound particularly empathetic yourself so maybe take a look in the mirror before judging others.

I was quoting what you said about him 😂

He's a prick. I hope your friend tells him that, because you won't

Only to have a dig at me. Honestly, I sometimes really wonder what drives some posters on this site to behave in such fashion but you do you.

Wait...you start a thread specifically about you being worried he's going to ruin a weekend away because of his ignorance and lack of empathy, and you're NOT expecting people to say 'he's a twat, why are you with him?'.

Can you explain that for me please? 🤔

I dont get this either - yes of course others need to be sensitive to people's medical diagnosis but I dont understand why she needs to talk about it constantly?

Bloody hell that would be awful on a holiday where you just want to relax. I am all for supporting my friends but any topic that is banged on about relentlessly gets exhausting doesnt it?

I don’t find that sort of contribution very helpful, but I thought that there were plenty of useful suggestions which helped me. But feel free to criticise all you want.

People who go on about any aspect of themselves at length literally are seeking attention though. I would be on your DH's side to be honest. Not because I have any of the "bloke" beliefs or don't believe in ADHD but because I find self absorbed people boring and I wouldn't enjoy spending my precious holiday hearing at length about someone's thoughts about themselves.

I think its a bit different when its a recent diagnosis though - and expect a bit more conversation as they themselves are learning about it. However if they were still constantly talking about it a few years done the track it would be annoying. I've found with my friends is naturally tapered off though.

Ok but I will say, if this was a brand new parent talking about lot about their child I can guarantee everyone would be eyerolling and saying tell her to STFU and noone wants to hear about her kid.

I do feel there is a little bit of hypocrisy here

I’m with @Arlanymor - a holiday is not the place to have weekend-long, in-depth discussions about health. I’d head the friend off to say that it’ll be good for her to have a long weekend away from her worries…

What? Maybe you need new friends. That's awful, I've never known anyone to be like that around an over excited new parent.

I am not talking about me - I am talking about attitudes on MN towards parents at times. Everyone saying OP should listen to her friend going on and on about her illness but yet if it was a parent they'd all be saying its was tedious!

I have a friend with ADHD and it’s going to be a very hard weekend for you. I think the best way is to plan a lot of activities, be prepared to cancel/ change activities at a short notice and didn’t leave them alone for long.
I noticed that if someone with ADHD talks a lot about certain topic - they do talk a lot and it’s very difficult to change the subject/ stop the topic.
I would try to explain your DH that regardless the diagnosis it’s your friend’s personality and she won’t be able to change for one weekend at such a short notice.
Plus whatever it is he should look at it that she just got a big thing happened in her life and overwhelmed because of it.
I wouldn’t call him a twat. Tbf she is not his friend, she is yours and if your DH has a different personality all this intense talking can be very draining.

He has a point.

The army of self-diagnosed 'victims' is giving the genuine sufferers a very bad name.

Look at it from his point of view: He was looking forward to a nice trip with his wife, and now she's invited her insufferable friend along for part of it. He'd have to be a saint not be highly annoyed at that, and he's probably dreading it.

If she was insufferable, I doubt OP would be friends with her, nor motivated to want to include her in the trip.

OP also stated the friend has been diagnosed, not self diagnosed.

OPs husband didn't have to agree to her coming along but has, presumably because he also likes her to some extent and wants her to enjoy herself after a difficult time.

Basically as host, he just has to be polite and not start sounding off about whether he believes in ADHD or not. It's not hard. His opinions are not so valuable everyone needs to hear them.