Struggling with resentment over delayed children and facing IVF at 41

[newmumcrazytired]

My DH met 13 years ago. We got married after 8 years in 2021. We met when I was 29 and even then I was concerned about my biological clock. I would try and push him so we could get married earlier but he was so laissez faire about it. I was 36 when we married and 38 when we had our DD. I’m now 41 and TTC our second. It is not working. We have tried for 8 months. We are now staring down the barrel of IVF. We went for tests on Thursday. I only have 6 follicles. Awaiting confirmation on blood tests, AMH, but it looks like my fertility is standard for 41 so low. My mum had my brother at 43 naturally and my periods started when I was 15 so I always thought my fertility was in the upper range. Clearly not. I feel horribly resentful at my DH for playing Russian roulette with my life and making me wait so many years and now we are here. His dad had him at 49 so I think he always thought we’d just be ok. We’re not and it is a huge scar in an otherwise loving relationship. He is an only child so never felt a huge compulsion for two but I do. Has anyone been through IVF in these circumstances? Has anyone got through this scar and resentment? I think I am very depressed from it and it is so hard to keep going for my DD. Thank you so much for any wisdom or advice.

Is anyone able to help? Feeling so desperate

Just answering to bump your thread - I’m afraid I don’t have any useful experience. Have you considered couples counselling?

Hi, sorry you are experiencing this.

My situation is similar (ish) ttc 1 year +, 1 living child. I had a low follicle count and low AMH. Partner had issues too. It’s was a huge blow and took some processing. What I would suggest is to arm yourself with facts. Big Fat Negative and Don’t Tell me to Relax podcasts are a good place to start.

I have been told that low AMH isn’t going to stop me being able to conceive, just that time is of the essence, which is fine. It may also not be a true indication of egg count, just how you may respond to IVF. I’m 35, so I appreciate, a little younger.

Will you have a follow up consultation once you know all results? We’re not down the IVF route yet - awaiting my partners updated DNA fragmentation test (he had surgery) - but there’s a chance we may be, or at least have other medical intervention.

I can understand why you’re upset and feeling like lashing out at the unfairness of it all, but I don’t think you can blame your husband for this.

You both waited a long time to get married and start a family - I think you have to take some responsibility for that, too. Some women would have called it much earlier and said ‘if you don’t want children soon, this isn’t going to work.’

You also say that although he had an older father, you also thought you might have more fertile years left because of your mother having a child in her forties. It sounds like, realistically, neither of you had a sense of urgency or a plan about the timing of having children,

I hope that doesn’t sound harsh. I think it’s natural to feel angry and want to push the blame on to someone else, but it isn’t really a blame situation. Circumstances led you here, it’s tough - but letting it affect your marriage isn’t going to give you what you want it or make you happy.

FWIW, despite the stats, the three women I know who had IVF in their esrly forties went on to have a baby. A fourth had started the IVF process and found out she was pregnant naturally right before she started treatment (after 4 years if trying for a second baby). It ain’t over yet!

Had IVF at age 39 and had DS at 40. Total piece of piss - first round, first FET, bingo.

BUT I developed vasa praevia which nearly killed us both and DS is profoundly autistic. Early studies suggest links between both of those things and IVF (and autism is ofc associated with older mothers AND fathers).

Not trying to be a doom monger , but do go in with your eyes open. You have a healthy child who presumably has a lovely life.

Another one here to say I understand why you’re upset but it takes two to tango and you both got married late and waited even later to TTC. You say he dragged it out but you stayed from 29 🧐

I’d consider throwing all you can at IVF and then couples counselling so it doesn’t tear your family apart. You have a DD to consider.

Try and be grateful for what you have rather than envious of what you don’t have. Some people would love your life - a loving husband and a child. Life often doesn’t work out as you maybe hope or expect … and that’s ok. Don’t sabotage what you already have with resentment

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

What's he like with your 3 year old? Is he a hands-on dad, or husband for that matter?

I only ask because it seems you were more keen on the whole thing than him (sorry to be blunt). Which then makes me wonder if you're at a higher chance of splitting at some point and could then be a single parent.

It's easy for me to say, but I wonder if you could become happy with just one? In my circle, the families with only children seem a lot happier! (I'm not one of them, so not biased)

I was in a similar position at your age. I agree with others - you have to take some responsibility for staying with your DH, waiting to get married and having kids. And, second, sometimes life happens, and plans change. You thought you'd have two (or more) children, but having one who is loved, well cared for and you have ample resources for is worth appreciating. You could get consumed by resentment and pour resources into having another child or you could acknowledge that there is joint responsibility in this situation, and amend your vision for your family, and enjoy your daughter and your loving relationship.

I went through ivf at 37 after almost 4 years of secondary infertility and it did work for me. At 41 it’s less likely obviously but many people still have luck so keep up hope but you have to be realistic . I’ve been through secondary infertility so I know what you are going through. I don’t mean to be patronising but for me I think some of my desperation was hormonal My ds was fine on his own and isn’t that bothered about having a sibling . You have your healthy dd and it’s hard to see it clearly when you are going through this but your dd does not need a sibling .

I’m sorry but I don’t think you can just blame your DH. Women are quite capable of giving an ultimatum and walking away. I was late having children because I spent my whole 20s with a man that didn’t want children. I left him at 29. It was tough. But I wanted marriage and children. To be fair to him he has never married or had children. You too had choices. It’s not like the 1960s.
You are now in a good place compared to others. You have a child. Many many people do not have this. That joy from that.

Thank you all so much for responding and giving me the reality check I needed. I did play my part in it and I do need to accept that. I think I’m particularly sad today as my period started yesterday after another two weeks of hoping I was pregnant. My sadness is starting to lift now though, which is good. I do think we need to give IVF a chance just so we know we tried. I’m scared about it though. I think my hormones are playing havoc with my mental health too, which isn’t always very strong. Hopefully this is just a bad patch and we’ll see it through. Maybe the truth is that I regret the decisions I made but it is easier to blame DH. I totally realise that might be part of it too. Secondary infertility is a hard place to sit in.

How hard was the IVF? Did you manage to continue for your first child fairly normally? I worry about the physical and mental strain. Thank you for sharing your story.

You are so right. Thank you.

I wouldn’t say he’s a natural father in that he’s quite academic and likes things his way. But he absolutely loves DD and she loves him. He does his absolute best for her. He drops off and collects from nursery as he works nearby and does most of the cooking. He is a brilliant dad in his own way.

Thank you so much for sharing your story and opening my eyes. I really appreciate that.

We do have a meeting with the fertility consultant on Thursday so that will hopefully help. At least well now the lie of the land.

There you go. You are a mother and you have a family.
You have plenty to be grateful for

Having had 2 icsi dc i agree with the pp to consider re increased risks of sen through older parent and ivf.

especially as your description of dh is academic and likes own way.. (which though probably isnt already sounds potentially autistic)
My eldest is Audhd. And that was not clear at 3. In fact her speech was exceptionally good.

ivf isnt that hard but its the stress of whether it worked.
plus even back 11yrs ago the 2 rounds cost 10k.

OP I know exactly how you feel. My exDH and I got married when I was 27, had our DS at 34, started trying again at 38 but was successful in first round of IVF at 40. My ex was always ambivalent about having children but never made his feelings clear because he knew that I would leave him if he was honest. So he would behave in irresponsible and unsupportive ways -coming up with reasons to delay, staying out with friends and partying when I was pregnant, refusing to have sex when we were TTC, etc. In retrospect I should have been more upfront with him but I also did not want to break up particularly when I wanted a second child and I didn’t want to have to find another partner. I should say as well that I had a demanding career and we had other issues in the marriage so it was all quite tough. I tried to tell myself that one child was enough and many people would be overjoyed just to have the same but I still couldn’t stop yearning for a second.

I remember so well how having my period arrive would devastate me every month. However, I got pregnant on my first round of IVF and had a very easy pregnancy, easy birth and my DD was a delight from the moment she was born!

I recall that the chances of IVF working are much higher if you’ve already conceived naturally and have no issues apart from age so keep that in mind.

Your feelings are bound to be very intense and complicated right now but will in time smooth out whatever happens. I agree that couples counselling is a good idea to help you through. In the end my ex and I broke up but it was years later and there were many other issues.

Re the IVF - I found it more emotionally than physically hard. It was uncomfortable but the emotional rollercoaster was really the worst part. I should have been having my own therapy through it in retrospect.

Sorry this is long. I'm sorry you are feeling like this OP. I wanted to be married before TTC and that ended up being a 9yr wait. I'm not religious but wanted the stability of married and didn't want children out of wedlock. Yes, I could have TTC beforehand or pushed to get married sooner, but also thought we had time.

I think I started TTC age 33. My GP was useless. Initially refused any testing and when I finally had a day 21 blood test which was normal- he then refused referring me to infertility- despite me TTC 4yrs by then. Again I should have pushed further, been more aware that it wasn't normal and move GP's much sooner. Early on, DH was also happy to coast along and wait for it happen. I wasn't on MN then and having just moved to another country, had no friends/family nearby to ask.

We TTC over 10yrs, lost 3 and also had rounds of IVF. No cause for sub-fertility was ever found. Tubes clear, semen good and my AMH was very good for my age. The only conclusion was 'old eggs'. Donor eggs were only mentioned after my very last IVF round age 42, but after looking into it, decided against it.

I will never have any living children. Its a very different life to what I'd ever expected but I'm happy, have a loving DH and a good life.

Most IVF clinics offer counselling and I'd suggest you and ideally DH also have some. Being so resentful and negative isn't going to help with TTC. I personally found IVF fine. Admittedly I didn't get OHSS though. I expected mood swings, irritability and feel emotionally drained, but had none of that.

Have you read 'It starts with an egg'. I found some handy tips and easy things to change to increase my chances. Also consider something to help relax you, like massage, pilates, yoga etc. Wishing you all the best x

I agree. It is what it is. And infertility when trying for a second child can happen at any age. Keep going with the IVF by all means but if it doesnt happen you have a husband and a child.

I feel for you. I waited 9 years. 8 years later, 2 kids.m and I left him. He was never going to get his arse in gear. Of course he is the victim.

Sounds really hard OP. I understand your resentment; I think I'd react the same way, but you can't change the past.

Does your DH understand how upset you are, though? He should be able to, or at least try to, sympathize even if he isn't fussed. The urge to conceive can be pretty primal. It's a real loss you have to process, knowing that it's not going to happen naturally and even with IVF the chances aren't great.

On the upside - one of my best friends is a single child and one of the most socially adept and instinctively decent people I know - she says having no siblings and moving a lot she just had to learn her way around people.

Another friend of mine had a nightmare conceiving with IVF and stopped after one because she couldn't face the process again. She's very happy now and her daughter is thriving.

So you could say that there are only good outcomes here. If you get the second baby, grand, and if you don't, well, you'll be able to focus all your love and attention on your DD.