Struggling with resentment over delayed children and facing IVF at 41

[newmumcrazytired]

My DH met 13 years ago. We got married after 8 years in 2021. We met when I was 29 and even then I was concerned about my biological clock. I would try and push him so we could get married earlier but he was so laissez faire about it. I was 36 when we married and 38 when we had our DD. I’m now 41 and TTC our second. It is not working. We have tried for 8 months. We are now staring down the barrel of IVF. We went for tests on Thursday. I only have 6 follicles. Awaiting confirmation on blood tests, AMH, but it looks like my fertility is standard for 41 so low. My mum had my brother at 43 naturally and my periods started when I was 15 so I always thought my fertility was in the upper range. Clearly not. I feel horribly resentful at my DH for playing Russian roulette with my life and making me wait so many years and now we are here. His dad had him at 49 so I think he always thought we’d just be ok. We’re not and it is a huge scar in an otherwise loving relationship. He is an only child so never felt a huge compulsion for two but I do. Has anyone been through IVF in these circumstances? Has anyone got through this scar and resentment? I think I am very depressed from it and it is so hard to keep going for my DD. Thank you so much for any wisdom or advice.

It was absolutely fine . I’ve no fear of needles but they are really easy anyway . I would do the injections in the morning and evening . I had risk of ohss but I wasn’t even in pain . I took one day off work for egg collection that was it. My clinic would let me have scans before work so I didn’t even bother telling work . The worst thing was I had to wait 6 weeks for pgta results . I live in Ireland so that’s how long it takes cos they are sent to a lab in Europe .its quicker in the uk. I recommend pgta at your age . I got it cos I had a chromosomally abnormal miscarriage a few years before .

I have experience of being an only DD whose mother wanted more children and for whom it didn’t happen (her age was younger but that’s irrelevant), and I can say it is very damaging for your child ‘s MH if you are distracted from your responsibilities to her over it.
I have had a whole lifetime of feeling “not enough” due to her being very vocally miserable throughout the whole of my childhood. I’m still in therapy about this in my forties and it plays itself out in weird ways with her grandparenting of my DDs too.

Please, please put as much focus on dealing emotionally with the potential of being one and done (through therapy) as you do into trying for the second.