Struggling with the end of an intense close friendship at 38

[Toooldforthismeangirlsstuff]

This is absolutely stupid I know. I’m 38 and too old for this rubbish!
But I’m really struggling with the end of a very close friendship.
I have a lot of what I’d call superficial friends - they are kind people and I like them and some I’ve known several decades but they don’t really know me and potentially vice versa. We might do things together but they aren’t people that get much access to me in ways that count. That sounds bad but I think I’m naturally quite closed - what you see isn’t what you get.
About 18 months ago I made a new friend and it was somehow different. She was fun and very open and I guess the friendship was intense fast. We spend a lot of time together, seeing each other several times a week. She’d phone me multiple times a day and we did a load of stuff. It felt different. She said her best days were with me, she always wanted me in her life, I was her closest friend, she was more herself around me than anyone, that I made her feel safe and confident etc.

And stupidly, I let my guard down.

Anyway, now, obviously, she’s got suddenly very friendly with someone else and it’s like I don’t exist. I’m not chasing it, I mean I sound about 11 at this point, because I’m a firm believer that if people want to then they will.

But I’m hurt. I’m really sad. And suddenly I have a lot of free time again - which is how it was before so I’ll get used to it - but in many ways it felt like having a partner but without the romantic part? That’s how I’d describe it. She’d call and say where are you, I can’t wait for you to get here. I really want to see you. I only want to do X if it’s with you.

Im confused too. I mean what was the point? What did she get from it?

Anyway, I just needed to write that down I suppose. I feel stupid for being upset about it and I’m angry with myself for letting my guard down. This is exactly why I never rely on anyone or let anyone too close!

It’s awful when a close friendship breaks down - not unlike an end of a relationship sometimes.

it does sound very intense and odd that you were so close so fast

give yourself time and it will feel better soon .

find yourself something to keep you busy.

my husband and I are wobbly at the moment and he’s working mega hours over the weekend- I’m not going to see him till Monday his day off. I feel completely by myself and worried for our relationship.

im going to muck out my youngests revolting room and meet colleagues for a meal later . To keep myself busy

I understand how you must feel. Please try not to take it personally. I have known a few people, one a very close friend for a while, who seem to thrive on making new friends, who become the centre of their universe for a while and then they move on. I think they just like the excitement of something new. Perhaps your friend is like this

I've seen this happen - those very intense relationships just fall apart sooner or later.

One interesting comment that I've heard is that one big difference between a friendship & a romantic relationship is that friends pretty much never talk about the friendship/relationship itself, whereas romantic couples talk about their relationship a lot. My experience is that a friendship where one person is talking a lot about the relationship, that friendship is unlikely to last.

People have weird concepts of friendships like they can't be meaningful or they only belong to childhood. You can have close meaningful friendships at any age. Really sorry this happened to you. But maybe easier to get over if you're not dismissing the importance of it? Love and emotional intimacy is real and important no matter who it's with. People put too much emphasis on romantic love above all else. If you enjoyed having that, maybe it can be a sign to open yourself up to something more than what you are used to - even though this one didn't work out. And to learn the signs of getting too close too fast as well so you don't get hurt again.

mmm I don’t think people who genuinely appreciate you and love you let you go like this. I don’t think the friendship is what you thought it was. So sorry you’re hurting.

are you sure she wasn’t also looking for romance and moved on when it became obvious you weren’t?

Look up 'friend bombing'. It's a bit like 'love bombing' but without the romantic element. This sounds exactly like what your friend was doing.

Copied from Google AI 'Friend bombing" (often used interchangeably with "love bombing" in friendships) refers to a new acquaintance who showers you with excessive attention, compliments, and affection early on, making you feel overwhelmingly close, only to abruptly pull away or manipulate you later'.

It sucks that this has happened and you're understandably hurt by it, but she wasn't a true friend. She'll probably do the same thing to the new 'best friend' when she gets bored with her.

I hope you can move on from this and learn to trust people again.

Sounds like you were the friendship equivalent of love bombed?
Yeah, I’ve met a few people like this i think new people are exciting to them, they make friends easily, they don’t know or don’t want to maintain long term friendships or friendship is actually more like networking for them so they discard people when they stop being useful.
I actually feel quite sorry for them, they will never have meaningful long term friendships.
In the long term i think you will be better off without this ‘friend’ maybe take up a hobby to fill the time you spent with her?
Don’t let this experience put you off making friends in the future as they say better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I’m sure that could apply to friendship too.

Agree

@Toooldforthismeangirlsstuff
The friendship is escalated unaturally, they mirror your likes and dislikes and go ott on the gifts, contact etc
Its not based on reality so when they suddenly see you as human ie you dont agree with everything or say no, they dump you instantly

I had something similar happen to me recently enough, a friend of 10+ years and it really sucks. So sorry you are going through this, I know it hurts like hell. 7 months later and I still don’t know why I was dumped as a friend. I did try to reconcile the friendship but it went nowhere and then was advised on here to let it go, so I have, even though the one thing I really want is to know why… x

Hi op this happened to me it was someone j worked with for a while she made me feel so special to her and it felt exciting to have such a close friendship. I remember it was strange going around to her house one day and meeting one of her older friends, she said she was sad that she didn't see our mutual friend much anymore now she had moved on with me. Very predictably really the same thing happened with me - it felt like one day I was flavour of the month and the next I was experiencing a slow fade.

I was actually quite cut up about it for a while and it was painful to think about, how it felt she had done sort of a 180 on me. But now 5 years on im glad she is no longer in my life. When we did meet up 90% of the time my ex friend did a lot of the talking and I regularly felt like a therapist. It was not a healthy friendship and quite imbalanced in several ways. I suppose I am saying it is good to grieve and get that sadness out but eventually you might look back and see that the friendship had to end as it wasn't for your greatest good. I'm sure it wasn't you, op, and it was them x

There is that saying about people coming into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Sounds like she was just a season and in time you will hopefully look back on the good memories you had rather than the way it came to an end.

Wow, this happened to me after 6 months of intensity, I can only imagine how much more it feels after 18 months, you have my sympathy! 💐

I think it might be worth examining why you habitually keep everyone else at arm’s length and what was different with this person that you allowed her in. Seeing each other several times a week, speaking several times a day, talking about your relationship in the terms described doesn’t really sound like just a friendship but something more. It has also meant she gained a disproportionate importance in your life; the way a partner in an intense 18-month love affair would. She would matter less, i think, if you were more open with your existing friends. It sounds like you’re capable of it. Could you explore making that a possibility?

Wow this could have been written by me 4 years ago. We had been intense friends for about 4 years before that, and she was the kind of person who wanted to do everything together. There had been a few red flags though- she had a string of past friendships who she had openly said that she just grew out of and felt that she didn’t want to be friends with any more, so had moved on. And I knew on the grapevine that these other ladies had been confused and hurt by it. I never thought she would do that to me. But she did! I think there are certain people who like the intensity of a new friendship and then when something happens that is a bit difficult - they seem to ditch the friendship and move on. We had had a few little niggles over small things but I’m the kind of person who works through those things and moves on. I think she just couldn’t seem to do that. She was someone who was very open and lovely and easy to make friends with so I can see why she tends to get intense new friendships easily. I now know that she has since done the same thing to numerous other people, and 4 years later I have moved on and realise that it was never going to be a good match between us. But it took time and it hurt. I occasionally see her around and we do have a brief catch up (she lives round the corner!!) and we sometimes comment on social media as I am determined not to make it really difficult. But I know we will never be close again as I just can’t go through that ghosting again, it’s just too hard. I wish you well and hope you can move on quickly or resolve it with her. X

Something really similar happened to me. I met someone who became a close friend and she called me her bestie too. She wanted to go out for coffee and spend time together, which was nice because I am disabled in a wheelchair. In the past I have lots friends because of my illness, when I have had to cancel arrangements due to it. She made me feel like there was an outside world and there was people in it who cared how I was.

Then COVID hit and I had to isolate. Getting COVID likely would have killed me. She understood but looking back I think that she made a connection with someone else who didn't have those restrictions to being able to meet in person.

Very interesting point. In the past, friendship between men was valued far above marriage (which was seen more like a business arrangement, or a system for producing and rearing children). Upper class men would form incredibly intense, almost loving, relationships with other men. Usually, they would be based around a shared intellectual passion. Think of Boswell and Johnson, or C S Lewis and JRR Tolkien, or Coleridge and Wordsworth. You see it in Ancient Greece, in Renaissance Italy, in Elizabethan England, etc. Oscar Wilde is another good example. His early homosexual experiences were with men who were kind of friends/lovers/intellectual companions all rolled into one.

The idea of the 2.4 family as the centre of love and support is relatively new. Until very recently, children were packed off to boarding school (or work, if you were poor), at the earliest opportunity, and parents were far less interested in them. We have now swung to the opposite extreme, in which we expect our life partner to fulfil us on every level - not just sexually, but emotionally, intellectually, etc. We expect them not just to be a lover but our best friend, our confident. We even expect them to share our interests. It’s too much (no wonder so many marriages end in bitter disappointment). We also expect too much of our kids. I have a friend who is depressed that his teenage daughter doesn’t want to watch rugby with him. I mean wtf?!😳

My hunch is that we’re re-discovering the importance of friendship. As people have fewer and fewer kids, and as we become more and more cynical about romance, we’re beginning to look to friendship again, I mean with the same intensity we did in the past. But the best friendships are still based around a mutual interest, ideally in something intellectual - in poetry or astronomy or history or whatever.

Did she fancy you? Because honestly, this doesn't sound like any friendship I've ever seen.

It sounds more like someone who developed a massive crush on you, got really intense about it and then finally realised it was never going to happen and moved on to someone else.

This is quite common with BPD/PD
Intense friendships in which the relatively new friend is lovebombed and often becomes the sole focus and is expected to fulfill the needs of the person when ever they demand it accompanied by intense flattery and overgiving/ sharing
Usually hundreds of messages a day, all day, being with the person for everything

There is a name for it " Favourite person"
It can be intense and overwhelming and often the target can try to pull away or temper things but as they do the person becomes unstable, distressed and even more intense
If the friend cant fulfill their needs then Splitting occurs
Splitting is when there are only 2 extremes Intense, unrealistic adulation the " perfect" person or complete and utter hatred where the person is viewed as evil .
They cannot view others as normal human beings

Sorry you’re upset, OP. I think some people can be quite intense at the beginning of a friendship and then the excitement wears off a bit…but that doesn’t mean you don’t stay close or the friendship is over!

I have a mate like this. We became friends over a decade ago and she was very intense at the start - wanting to see me all the time, telling me I was her best mate, the only person she really ‘needed’ in her life etc! We get on very well but I remember thinking it was a bit odd because he had a handful of other, very close, female friends too (as do I). But it seemed for a time like I was very much her favourite.

I remember feeling a little put out when a new friend appeared on the scene - and suddenly my friend seemed to be hanging out with her all the time! But eventually, that simmered down and really, me and said friend remain very close and see each other a lot. I’ve realised she is just a bit like this with new people 😂

Firstly, it’s completely normal to feel upset. Please don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way.
I’ve actually had almost exactly the same thing happen to me. I was new to an area, didn’t know anyone, and then this really bubbly, interesting person came into my life. It went from nothing to seeing each other several times a week. We shared everything, and I let her completely into my life.
That was about three years ago now, and it feels like a lifetime ago.
Looking back, I can see I was lonely and she filled a gap in my life. The difference was that, for her, I now think the friendship wasn’t as genuine as it was for me. Whether she was consciously manipulating me or simply enjoyed the intensity while it suited her, I don’t know. At the time I gave it 100% because I was just happy to have someone to share life with. I trusted her, although if I’m honest, my instincts were quietly telling me something wasn’t quite right.
Hindsight really is 20/20.
She disappeared almost overnight, even though she still lives nearby. It hurt, and I realised that what had felt very real to me hadn’t meant the same to her.
The good news is that life moved on. I now have a full social life, and I’m genuinely happier than I was back then. The biggest lesson I took from it wasn’t “never let anyone in”—it was not to go from zero to one hundred quite so quickly. Real friendships are built over time. Trust grows gradually, and people earn their place in your life.
Please don’t see this as proof that you shouldn’t open up to people. See it as a reminder that the right people won’t make you question your worth, and the friendships that last tend to grow steadily rather than burn brightly from day one.

I'm having this experience too, I thought I'd made a good friend a couple of years ago but also came to realise it was short lived. Isn't it strange that, at our age (40s), some people still need the thrill of chasing new friendships at the expense of existing friends who they also seemed to get on with just as well? I don't see the point personally, but it is unsettling when it happens. I'm definitely quality over quantity at this point. How did it end for the people you know who are doing this?

I'm not it contact any more, but my friend had a long list of people she'd been close to and then fallen out with. I thought it was different with me as we did remain good friends for a long time, but after 15 years my shelf life expired. She's very outgoing and makes new friends easily so I'm sure she's fine and still finding new ones to replace the old regularly

The exact same thing happened to me a couple of years ago. The intense friendship (constant messages and meeting weekly for a number of years), her getting friendly with someone else, and then treating me like I didn’t exist. No falling out or arguments or anything, but I’d just been replaced.

I still haven’t got over it and I’m sorry you’re going through the same.

I’m normally quite guarded but let my guard down and I won’t make the same mistake again. I’m guessing I’m not the only one she’s done it to.

I get it. I made a close friend who helped me through some major medical hiccups and I did the same for her. And lots of contact ... weekend away together etc. She has recently drifted away, does not even ask how I am when I see her and is generally in another place now.

I think we have to just take it on the chin ... life moves on ... it is a series of losses of one kind or another. We have to grab the good bits when we stumble upon them.