Struggling with the end of an intense close friendship at 38

[Toooldforthismeangirlsstuff]

This is absolutely stupid I know. I’m 38 and too old for this rubbish!
But I’m really struggling with the end of a very close friendship.
I have a lot of what I’d call superficial friends - they are kind people and I like them and some I’ve known several decades but they don’t really know me and potentially vice versa. We might do things together but they aren’t people that get much access to me in ways that count. That sounds bad but I think I’m naturally quite closed - what you see isn’t what you get.
About 18 months ago I made a new friend and it was somehow different. She was fun and very open and I guess the friendship was intense fast. We spend a lot of time together, seeing each other several times a week. She’d phone me multiple times a day and we did a load of stuff. It felt different. She said her best days were with me, she always wanted me in her life, I was her closest friend, she was more herself around me than anyone, that I made her feel safe and confident etc.

And stupidly, I let my guard down.

Anyway, now, obviously, she’s got suddenly very friendly with someone else and it’s like I don’t exist. I’m not chasing it, I mean I sound about 11 at this point, because I’m a firm believer that if people want to then they will.

But I’m hurt. I’m really sad. And suddenly I have a lot of free time again - which is how it was before so I’ll get used to it - but in many ways it felt like having a partner but without the romantic part? That’s how I’d describe it. She’d call and say where are you, I can’t wait for you to get here. I really want to see you. I only want to do X if it’s with you.

Im confused too. I mean what was the point? What did she get from it?

Anyway, I just needed to write that down I suppose. I feel stupid for being upset about it and I’m angry with myself for letting my guard down. This is exactly why I never rely on anyone or let anyone too close!

It’s awful when a close friendship breaks down - not unlike an end of a relationship sometimes.

it does sound very intense and odd that you were so close so fast

give yourself time and it will feel better soon .

find yourself something to keep you busy.

my husband and I are wobbly at the moment and he’s working mega hours over the weekend- I’m not going to see him till Monday his day off. I feel completely by myself and worried for our relationship.

im going to muck out my youngests revolting room and meet colleagues for a meal later . To keep myself busy

I understand how you must feel. Please try not to take it personally. I have known a few people, one a very close friend for a while, who seem to thrive on making new friends, who become the centre of their universe for a while and then they move on. I think they just like the excitement of something new. Perhaps your friend is like this

I've seen this happen - those very intense relationships just fall apart sooner or later.

One interesting comment that I've heard is that one big difference between a friendship & a romantic relationship is that friends pretty much never talk about the friendship/relationship itself, whereas romantic couples talk about their relationship a lot. My experience is that a friendship where one person is talking a lot about the relationship, that friendship is unlikely to last.

People have weird concepts of friendships like they can't be meaningful or they only belong to childhood. You can have close meaningful friendships at any age. Really sorry this happened to you. But maybe easier to get over if you're not dismissing the importance of it? Love and emotional intimacy is real and important no matter who it's with. People put too much emphasis on romantic love above all else. If you enjoyed having that, maybe it can be a sign to open yourself up to something more than what you are used to - even though this one didn't work out. And to learn the signs of getting too close too fast as well so you don't get hurt again.

mmm I don’t think people who genuinely appreciate you and love you let you go like this. I don’t think the friendship is what you thought it was. So sorry you’re hurting.

are you sure she wasn’t also looking for romance and moved on when it became obvious you weren’t?

Look up 'friend bombing'. It's a bit like 'love bombing' but without the romantic element. This sounds exactly like what your friend was doing.

Copied from Google AI 'Friend bombing" (often used interchangeably with "love bombing" in friendships) refers to a new acquaintance who showers you with excessive attention, compliments, and affection early on, making you feel overwhelmingly close, only to abruptly pull away or manipulate you later'.

It sucks that this has happened and you're understandably hurt by it, but she wasn't a true friend. She'll probably do the same thing to the new 'best friend' when she gets bored with her.

I hope you can move on from this and learn to trust people again.