Pregnant and exhausted, is my husband being unsupportive or am I expecting too much?

[BeLuckyTraybake]

I’m currently pregnant with my third, and struggling. I’m still in the first trimester and it’s been the hardest yet. I’m nauseous all day and also caught tonsillitis off my child which dragged on for 3 weeks. I’m struggling to do basic things without feeling dizzy and I co sleep with my toddler who is quite restless at night. I work 3 days a week and have the 2 children the other 2 days.

Basically my husband and I are in a cycle of arguing and it’s really draining me further.

It started the moment my pregnancy symptoms started and I was no longer able to carry the same load in parenting and housework.

The rough nights I have with my toddler impact my nausea the next day. I got breaking point where I almost passed out while looking after the kids on my own.

so in a nutshell, my husband is doing all the washing and clear up at the end of the day. He helps with bathtime and our older toddler if he wakes in the night (but it’s not very often). Every morning (he sleeps in a spare room) he will say he is so exhausted and needs more sleep. We argue if I say I’m pregnant and need to a bit longer in bed. If he does eventually get up and take the kids for breakfast, he sends them up to me at the first sign of difficulty so I don’t actually get the rest.

we also agreed he would start helping with the toddler at night. It lasted until 1am when he woke me up to switch.

He says I should go to bed, he doesn’t want me around if I’m just lying on the sofa, but when I actually go to bed I hear him talking about me resentfully to the kids.

One evening I couldn’t stand without feeling dizzy so when he got home, I just went to bed and left him. He was annoyed that there was no dinner cooked, no food in the house (because I work too and he’s stopped letting me do online food shops), and that I hadn’t taken the kids outside during the day.

To be honest, I’m not sure what I’m asking here. I just feel like I want to leave but don’t think I could do it all alone. Before kids he was a more lighthearted person and could make jokes during “hard” times. I liked that. Now I see that any moment of stress or discomfort and he’s just not great to be around. He doesn’t ever use a caring tone or come and cuddle me during the day. In the evenings he will mostly go to the gym because sport has always been his main fixation in life. He talks a lot about when the kids are older and he can do more sport even although he does exercise 5 days a week.

what can I do to resolve this? We had a breakthrough conversation 2 nights ago but one night of poor sleep and he’s back to huffing about me and asking me to stop the kids from following him around the house when he’s trying to do housework.

First of all you need to sleep train your toddler before the baby comes. No wonder you are exhausted. Your husband is being selfish.

You're in separate bedrooms and thought it would be a good idea for another child?

Put the toddler in their own bed and room, you and husband share the bed again. You're not roommates

Going to the gym, for the shit man, is the modern equivalent of going to the pub while the woman does the work

He won't "let" you do online food shops?

Errrrrr fuck that.

Don't be so silly.

Absolutely. WTF?
The very fact that you say 'he won't let me' shows that he's a prick and you've got used to it, like the proverbial boiled frog.

He doesn't want to get an online shop? He absolutely does all the shopping.

But I suspect your relationship is well beyond this basic quid pro quo, because, as so often on MN, and therefore, one has to extrapolate, in Life - the man is <drumroll> ... A Cunt!

You work but also usually do all the house chores AND childcare? He isn’t just unsupportive, he is lazy and harmful both to you and your children.

A parent should never talk bad to their children about their other parent, it has shown to be harmful in research and overall it’s negative and hurtful towards you. Regardless of it is a ‘joke’ or not.

Also you’re being his maid, his cleaner, his personal chef, a mother, nurse, a pregnant woman and a woman who holds a job. It seems you do everything in the house. This is not a true 50/50 relationship.

He needs to step up and take on half of the housework with you.

Why is it that men nowadays expect 50/50 in terms of bills, working etc (which I don’t mind) but don’t give 50/50 at home.

You basically go to work and then come home to work again.

Honestly OP, this is not good.
He's not good.
He doesn't let you do online shopping.

Rethink this pregnancy.
This is not an environment for a 3rd child.
Every additional child tests a relationship further.

What do you mean, he stopped you doing online food shops?

(1) get a cleaner, (2) put toddler in their own room and work on their sleep so they don’t wake up in the night when baby comes, (3) decide who does what eg kids breakfast on weekdays can be you but weekends him, have a solid routine of your daily life, (4) explain - without accusing him - your limitations due to the pregnancy symptoms and ask him how he can support you, why cant you do online shops?? (5) TALK, (6) sleep in the same room. X

Nothing wrong with separate rooms. @BeLuckyTraybakesorry , was this baby planned ? 🤨

Yep.
🚩

You both sound exhausted, and how you are managing home life clearly isn't working as it stands.
I co slept with my daughter for years, but we only have the one and I slept better with her in bed instead of multiple get-ups... but co sleeping only works for some and in very specific circumstances. In fact my daughters inability to sleep by herself was one of the factors we decided to stop at 1, if I'm honest.

If your relationship was generally fine before the stresses of sleepless nights and pregnancy, this is fixable with some combination of or all the below:

• get a child free evening one night and sit down and plan with your husband. Determine roles and be honest what you both are and aren't able to do or compromise on, and even put it in a planner to help you both commit.
• fix the co sleeping issue either with sleep training or another solution. if finances allow, invest in a professional sleep trainer
• look into meal plans like hello fresh or alternative. It made a big difference in our household as my husband enjoys cooking more when following a recipe, and it was a huge mental relief for me not having to meal plan or shop. (It's actually more cost effective than we originally expected too)
• couples therapy if money allows also. It sounds like communication is a big factor here, and not understanding each other's needs very well
• if family members are close (location and proximity) don't be afraid to reach out for support and the occasional afternoon or evening off together before your next baby arrives, it'll help start your next chapter in a better position, because no relationship is ever made better by the presence of a newborn

OP what was he like during the first two pregnancies?! Is this new shit behaviour or basically his whole turdinson personality?

You’re both wrecked, you were doing far too much and now he’s seeing how much you do and- well tough crap he has to help!!

Saying that I think people whoo ok co sleep and their partner moves to another room automatically give their partner an out, it’s no good for anyone, nobody’s getting actual sleep!!! I agree he has to move back into the bed. I’d also talk to him about him bad mouthing/ muttering about you to the kids, tell him you’d never do that about him and the kids will think their parents don’t love each other.

On the online shop thing- I know plenty of couples where one insists the shop has to be done- an online shop costs extra money, has to be booked in advance and they sometimes get things wrong! Am totally with your dh on that one!!

op talk to each other, you said things were better before this, you need a break, he probably needs some form of a break too (possibly not as much as he thinks he does lol!!)

Hope it all gets easier x

@Morepositivemum - The husband vetoed shopping online, so shouldn't he be doing it in person?

As well, he could avoid annoyance about his dinner not being cooked - by cooking dinner.

What made you think of having another child with this man is a good idea.

What do you mean he won't let you do the shopping online?

Who died and made him King?

You aren’t expecting too much.

In the first trimester with my third I was basically another dependent. My DH did all the food shopping, all the cooking, all the washing, all the bedtimes and all the night wake ups with our 2yo. I mostly sat in a corner feeling terrible.

@RachTheAlpaca I mean the fact there's a 3rd baby on the way quite clearly shows that despite the separate rooms they're still getting couple time!

DH and I have been in separate rooms since about 2019 and honestly I'm not sure I'd ever go back. He goes to bed late, I get up early. I like to read when I wake in the morning, he reads before sleep. We like different mattresses, bedding weights, light levels. Also works very well for me when he's had a glass of wine and starts snoring.

I'd end the pregnancy. He's not supporting you at your most difficult and vulnerable time. He's not a good partner. Adding another person that needs time, support and attention isnt going to improve things. It will just increase your workload.

Why oh why is another child being brought into this

That’s what you took from this? I wouldn’t be sleeping anywhere near him if he was treating me like that