Is my husband confusing conversations or could something else be going on?

[TwoFoxCubs]

Is my husband playing mind games? The other evening we were discussing whether he could pick me up from work and he said he had an appointment but I could go to an arranged place and he’d pick me up from there after his appointment. I planned that I would stop off at a shop and buy some dinner ingredients before he collected me. In the morning I asked him what time we should meet to go home and he asked me why. I said because of the appointment he had and the arrangement we had made to get home after. He said to me that he didn’t know what I was talking about and he was coming home as usual. I said but we had an entire conversation and arranged him collecting me and I would be stopping at shops first. He said that he had no recollection of that conversation and got quite defensive. I said that one of us had got our wires crossed as I know we spoke about and if he is certain that we didn’t then we should just forget about it as we both think we’re right but one of us is wrong. Later that evening he brought the subject up again and said he didn’t know why I thought he had an appointment when he is clearly at home. I said it was a pointless conversation to continue with because it had happened yesterday and we got nowhere so what’s the point in dragging it on. Later on this evening I said I was going to bed and he randomly says “I bet it is, what are you going to do?” I asked him what he meant and he said I had just told him I was too hot to sleep. I said I never said that I said I was going to bed and he looked at me and sighed ok. I said that he was confusing me by changing our conversations to suggest I’m saying things I’m not and have never said. He just laughed and said ok. So he is either playing mind games and making out that I’m losing my mind, or he is actually losing his! We’ve been married over 30 years, our children are grown up and we are in our 60s. He did this a few years ago. He kept telling me things and saying that he had already told me and was just reminding me. I got really upset at the time and found it distressing. I ended up becoming suspicious of one of the things he said he had told me about and I made a doctors appointment and I told him he had to come with me to explain all the irregular things that had been occurring and it all stopped. I’m going to keep a diary of our conversations as a log. We’ve always bumbled along quite nicely in the 40 years we’ve been together, it’s all very odd

Yes, it is odd! Do your children visit regularly, and have you any close friends? I'd ask them all whether they've noticed this kind of thing when speaking to you OR him, and to keep an eye open as you're worried.

It's even stranger that it's happened before and then stopped, apparently at will. That kind of rules out obvious health-related causes such as creeping dementia, mini-strokes or diabetes. As it just stopped, you can't even blame hearing loss.

The previous occurrence does make this look suspicious. For the time being, though, I'd work on the basis that one of you (him) has a cognitive issue that needs monitoring and investigation.

Was he looking at his phone? Or something else meaning you didn't have full focus? Because a lot of people do this.

How worrying for you. DH and I are similar ages and often misunderstand each other these days and forget conversations we have had. Perhaps your DH is literally forgetting? Good idea to ask friends and family if they're noticing anything wrong.

How's his hearing?
My dad's is terrible and he has a habit of just agreeing/nodding along even if he can't hear properly, I also think he doesn't listen properly, I spoke to him recently and mentioned PIL have a new dog , the next time he came round he said where's your dog then? He either hasn't listened properly or hasn't heard and had just picked up new dog not who was getting it

Could his hearing be an issue?

Is he distracted by the TV, phone etc

Both simple things without over-thinking what else it could be.

He’s over egged it making up the hot comment.

Honestly, I would not explain or debate this nonsense.

I came on here to mention hearing - my husband is very deaf and often misses vital chunks of conversations even with hearing aids - but having reread the first post, I’m far more inclined to think his behaviour is deliberate. He tried it on once before and stopped when you threatened him with a doctor’s appointment, which wouldn’t immediately suggest cognitive impairment to me.

I’m far too old and grumpy to put up with this kind of nonsense, so I’m afraid I’d have to be blunt and tell him that I don’t know what his game is, but he needs to knock it off pronto. I put up with a fair amount of gaslighty shit from my first husband, and I really wish I’d called it out at the time.

I think you’ve missed important info - what was the outcome of the previous times this has happened? You said the same thing happened a few years ago and you made a doctors appointment.

UTI?

I would secretly record the next set of conversations.
could be he has the start of a dementia or maybe he is trying to make you feel you are going mad for some little weird kick

It’s very very strange that it happened before and he could just stop. I agree start recording and documenting as if it’s a cognitive impairment is the best plan either way

I would refuse to react emotionally about it, if it is deliberate then that’s what he’s looking for. Just remain very calm and say “OK” and move on. But note down all the incidences of this happening. If it continues I would once again book a doctor’s appointment and tell him you think he needs to go.

The detailed conversation involving him saying he had an appointment and the arrangements made to pick you up don't sound to me as though they have anything to do with hearing loss or inattention on his part.

That you went through similar with him before and the problem just stopped when you became suspicious and made the doctors appointment makes me think that this was deliberate on his part. That for some reason, not a very nice reason, he is enjoying messing with your head.

I think keeping a log of conversations is a good idea.

Assuming no health/ memory issues, this is what gaslighting looks like. Gaslighting isn’t when someone just lies or makes things up, it’s a deliberate campaign of making the other person feel like they are going mad . Having conversations and then denying they happened is the most common aspect because the other person starts wondering whether they imagined the whole thing.

I’m not saying that this is definitely what is happening, but I would keep an eye out for it and see if it happens again

When you had the conversation about the appointment did he tell you what it was for or did he literally just say he had an appointment and didn't elaborate?

If there were specifics mentioned and they were plausible that's worrying for him to have made up

I was reading an article yesrerday about why so many people become bitter and miserable and unpleasant the older they get. It concluded that as cognitive decline begins, even in its earliest stages, it becomes haeder and harder for people.to cover up their real selves and put on a happier, more compromising face.

Wondering if the op's dh was always a bit of an inner shit and if they both managed to mask.it more in years gone by.

Next time you agree something record him saying it on your phone( with his knowledge).
Or will he kick off?

@TheyGrewUp would it be possible to post a link to the article you mention please? I think that it might be really useful for the current situation that my family is in. Thank you.

Given the hot weather it could be a UTI. Is he drinking enough water?

www.bupa.co.uk/care-services/care-home-advice/delirium

I'll try if I can find it again, but it would have been in the Telegraph and likely to be behind a paywall.

‘He did this a few years ago. He kept telling me things and saying that he had already told me and was just reminding me. I got really upset at the time and found it distressing. I ended up becoming suspicious of one of the things he said he had told me about and I made a doctors appointment and I told him he had to come with me to explain all the irregular things that had been occurring and it all stopped’

’DH: you should see a doctor about this if it continues, I’ll come with you’.

horrible thing to do if it’s deliberate.

It is weird. Definitely keep an eye aon it t/make notes. Did you get to the bottom of why it happened before?
I had an abusive ex who would do the exact opposite of what we'd agreed during conversations!
Mr DH doesn't take things in - I have to say the same thing to him several times for him to actually take it in. He doesn't seem to argue about it too much though, but it is concerning. He's in his 60s and did have a serious head injury a few years ago, so it could be linked to that.

I agree.

I'd be interested in whether he had also told friends or family that he's 'worried about you and your confusion'. Thus feels a bit gaslighty. Be careful there.

Does he have a urine infection? It can cause confusion.

He needs to see a doctor but I guess he'll be reluctant.