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[ThisHappyRubyBird]

Been seeing a widower for 18 months. Facebook profile picture is still him and his late wife. Photos of them around his house. Nothing of me and him. Is this normal

Navigating life as a widow(er) is complex. Removing something like a profile picture is more significant than you may think. Whilst he has moved forward with you, his past relationship didn’t end through choice and he will possibly still have conflicting emotions.

If you’re feeling threatened by his love for his former partner, maybe this isn’t the relationship for you.

I think in our sixties we all have a past and that needs to be navigated

It’s another final thing, once he changes that photo he can’t undo it. Not without publicly saying “I miss her”.

Leave it be, enjoy your time together. Forget Facebook, everyone knows it’s nonsense

That’s true

When you say he uses FB, do you mean he posts regularly? If he's in the habit of frequently posting photos, and you aren't in any of them, then I could understand why this is bothering you (although I'll be honest, I do find it a bit strange that a woman in her sixties is upset about not being on her boyfriends "timeline").

For context, I've been with my partner for over ten years. I have FB but I don't think there's a single photo of us on there, certainly not one I've posted (I don't think I've posted on there for years). I don't think social media is an accurate or healthy measure of the strength of someone's relationship.

When you change a profile pic or cover photo on FB, it sends a message to all your contacts announcing this. I haven't changed my FB profile pic b/c I realised this. If my profile pic showed me and DH, I'd be reluctant to change it for this reason.

If you change your pic all the time, your friends ignore it but if you haven't changed it in a while, it could turn into a thing. And then you'd have to deal with all the comments.

Also, maybe it's a thing like wearing your rings. I've seen a few posts where the widow says she's decided not to wear her rings any more and then all her male friends assume it's open season and all start making moves.

What happened to his wife's page? Did she have one?

She has one. Still active

That’s true regardless of age.

Your response does suggest that you maybe haven’t tried, or don’t want to, understand the complexities of widowhood.

I do want to understand but if he won’t discuss his feelings I can’t

You've been together 18 months and you want pictures of you in his house already? I get the facebook profile pic, I purposely choose ones of just me. But I didn't have pics of my husband around the house til we had been together a few years amd even then they were just in my room cos I lived with my parents then. My Dad has been dead 15 years, my Mum lives with a new partner but she still has the odd picture of Dad around. You need to understand that a widower is different to a divorcee, they never fell out of love with their previous partner and those feelings will still be there and they won't want to forget that. Even if he loves you now, you haven't been together that long and you can't and shouldn't try to take the memory of his wife away.

Has one what that is still active?

Someone asked about his late wife’s Facebook page

Is it something you're able to talk about with him? I would never want to be in someone's profile photo with them, but as he's a regular user, it's a bit surprising he hasn't changed the photo to one of himself at least. The photos around the house is a non-issue, as you say.

I know a widower who posts regularly about his late wife. Long, heartbreaking posts about their life together and how much he misses her. She's been dead for 7 years and he's been seeing someone else for 6.5 of them. Something about preserving a certain image, maybe?

Perhaps it is image and I don’t and never will want to be in anyone’s profile photo but if that is normal for him I just wonder what it means that it isn’t changed

I just wonder what it means that it isn’t changed.

Noone can answer that apart from him. Even other people who have experienced the death or a spouse or partner, as everyone's experience is different.

If its eating you up then you should speak to him about it, but you should be prepared for it to be an answer you might not want to hear.

I've always imagined that if you're in a relationship with someone who has been bereaved then it's almost like there there is a 3rd, silent partner. For the first few years at least.

She presumably was a great love and will always be in his heart and I think you need to accept that. That doesn't mean to say there wouldn't be room for you also in his heart.

Imo it would be weird if he didn't display photos of her.

This is exactly how it feels for many of us.

When you have a second child, you don’t love the first any less. This is the closest I can get to describing the feeling. You don’t love your first spouse any less, but that doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else too.

I'm a male widower. I think everyone is different. My wife had loads of photos of us up on the walls, and I ended up taking them down, as it would just make me cry looking at them.

Some people might be the complete opposite, and actually feel some comfort in having them up still, especially if there are children from the marriage.

Changing your Facebook profile photo is like announcing something to everyone you're connected to on there. It's quite a big deal, and something that he might just not be ready for. That doesn't have any reflection on you, or how he might feel about you.

Has he "memorialised" her account? That's something that I did, and my relationship status changed to "widowed from wife's name". I've since hidden that, as I don't like seeing it either.

Thank you for sharing xx