How to help my partner with impossible situation?

[ProfessorofDarkArts]

DP and I have been together 5 years, we dont live together. He has an adult child who I guess you’d call troubled. Very chaotic life, ADHD, possibly other conditions, doesn’t work, been in prison twice and lives alone with few friends and no other means of support.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions DP has been sole parent for most of the child’s life, the mother simply isnt interested. He’s honestly a good person who has tried his best to be a good parent although admits he hasn’t always got it right. He never gets a break though. He’s constantly expected to provide money, lifts and support but gets nothing back, not so much as a text on Father’s Day. He really struggles to keep boundaries because there is nobody else and he worries about the consequences of saying no although he does try. I know there’s been self-harm and to be honest neither of us would be surprised if we got the awful phone call that something bad had happened.

It’s really taking it’s toll on DP and his life/work - he’s got a lot of health issues and while I can’t blame them all on this, it’s undeniable that they have an impact. He’s currently juggling a stressful senior role with hospital appointments, tests and scans - then I find out he almost missed an important meeting today because he’d been called at 4amfor what I’m not sure but he obviously didn’t give the right answer as the call ended in a huge row. He just can’t go on like this.

Is there any support he can access? He’s tried counseling but it’s not him that has the issues! His family aren’t interested and his friends are typical blokes and dont really discuss anything like that. It has an impact on our relationship too because I dont know how to help him. Please can anyone advise what we can do - I dont think the child is a bad person but their issues make them incredibly selfish and single minded.

It definitely doesn't need to be be physical help, mental load stuff counts too. The number of hours is only really relevent for claiming carers allowance. If he is supporting a person regularly who cant live independently then he is a carer.

It doesnt matter about the area for carers support. I live 55 miles away from my mother and have had both a carers assessment and a lot of support from the carers centre in her area. Caring is much more than just physical help. To claim carers allowance you have ti be over 16 and care for 35 hours or more a week but there are lots of rules and restrictions on the benefit so a lot of people cant access it. It has nothing to do with other support available and in any case it doesnt sound as if it would help with the real issues. Check the .gov.uk website if he's interested in the allowance, though. There are something between 5.8 million and 12 million unpaid carers in the UK, depending on how the question is asked and the definitions worded! There will be other people out there in the same situation. Sharing information axperiences and support can really help. When my father was dying someone rang me every week to check where I was with it all and so whatever needed to happen next could happen quickly. And when I needed to set up a proper care package for my mother the social worker and the carers support worker wete godsends

If your partner has a stressful senior role, why would it matters how many hours he was providing care? He wouldn’t qualify for carers allowance.

He’s not considering applying for carer’s allowance, someone suggested there may be support available to him as a carer but I took that to mean practical support which is actually what he needs.

Tbh there comes a point when you realise nothing you do will change the situation . Personally I’d step away . The worry is your partner has a stressful job , is undergoing tests at the hospital so already he himself is not in a good place . Time to let this adult son start adulting and you may find he’s not as incapable as he portrays .

Have you thought about getting the son a capacity assessment? For example capacity to manage his finances? Capacity to manage his health? If he does not have capacity you can allocate someone to help manage these things with/for him. Obviously this could be you partner but you would need to explain he cannot take this on. As he receives benefits they could appoint someone from adult social care. They would receive all his benefits pay his bills etc and give him an allowance. Are you in contact with adult social care?

Yep. You can be a carer and get practical support without qualifying for carers allowance. He could even ask for a carers assessment from the council. This is done by social care and they look at what can be done to suport him and the person he cares for. They might be able to help him access supported living for his son.

Thank you this is really useful, he’s definitely not looking for a handout just help and advice.

Google for your local carers association. They will be abke to point you in the right direction. (other search engines are available).

I have a family member like this (adhd and bipolar.) It’s definitely about boundaries. The way I was treated was so awful at times that I couldn’t put myself through it any more even though I wanted to help. The sleepless nights and stress and fear of what was going to happen next left me on edge.

My phone goes on silent at 10 pm so I don’t answer middle of the night calls.

I say no sorry to the requests for money (they get plenty in benefits) although occasionally I get them a food shop or give them £20 towards a day out or something.

I don’t do lifts any more either unless it is a medical appointment.

It is still hard but my family member has adapted to what I am able to give.

I definitely think your partner needs to take a step back as hard as it is. He needs to be very firm about it. What about when he is not around any more?

The counselling your DP has received doesn’t sound the helpful type, so please try again with the aim of “helping me support my son and myself through this time in life” rather than delving into his own childhood. Please try for therapy or psychologist not a counsellor. They are very different.

I know it doesn’t really matter now whether the mother is ND, but she is highly likely to be as ND is genetic so the son has inherited from someone. This may help everyone understand him better if this was known.

ND/ ADHD/ Autism isn’t a behaviour based issue. So it’s incredibly difficult to change behaviour for the person with it. Just like we wouldn’t just expect someone with dyslexia to “start reading faster because they’re holding up the class” we can’t expect someone with ADHD to “just manage their finances better”.

ADHD also if untreated (with therapy or medication) can lead to prison, suicide, I’ll health, injury etc at much much much greater rates than the general population so it’s not surprising if he’s not yet diagnosed or medicated that he’s in this state. So with this in mind, he needs strategies that take some of the overwhelm off him and automate bills, shopping, cleaning (essentially other people may need to do them or he needs to simplify his life). It sounds like he’s incredibly impulsive so you worry about his safety. A crisis team or social worker should be involved. Phone up and ask for an assessment. Would the son have therapy with a psychologist to teach him some coping skills?

DP definitely needs to work on boundaries. His phone can be off from 11pm-7am for a start.

it’s very hard and I’m sorry for you all. Please start reading about ADHD, go on a couple of courses to better understand it, think about ways you can both help him/ each other. Write some rules you’ll work too. Have a conversation with the son about things are going to change and other people are going to have to help and he’s going to have to help himself.

@Itssohot26 I'm sorry you've experienced this too but sadly that means you absolutely get it.

@Superstar22 thank you that's a really helpful post. I do understand it's not that straightforward and I dont mean to come across as unsympathetic but it's very hard to watch someone you love being treated badly and hear everyone making excuses for it. If the son ever showed a bit of appreciation or interest in his Dad's life it might be different or if he ever made any effort to help himself but he's selfish, entitled and manipulative and I don't believe that's all down to whatever illness he may have.

If he’s in a senior role, does he have a support package at work? Mine has counselling and concierge services- you can ring and book in for advice, support etc. It’s all independent and confidential. The company won’t know if he’s used it or what for. People forget it’s there.

There are some basic boundaries he could put in for a week, to try them out.
For example, switching his phone off at night so he can sleep.
Not accepting calls during the work day.
He could coach his son in strategies to cover the period. Effectively, ‘I’m away for a week on holiday with no coverage. This is who you should call.’

That's very good advice but as it stands there is literally nobody else who could be that person to call.

I'm definitely going to suggest DP looks into the things suggested on here but it's frustrating that it has to be him doing it while his son does nothing.

Some people have issues that they have to reach rock bottom with before they will attempt to sort themselves out. Has the adult child reached rock bottom?
However, some people do not have the necessary capabilities to sort themselves out if they hit rock bottom.
Some adapt their life to however dreadful it is and don’t bother to change it.
Deciding which it is might help determine how to respond.

What the issues are will determine what, if any, help there is. If the underlying issue is drug related heroin etc then try contacting family support groups relating to that. If he is an alcoholic then likewise.
If he is a criminal with no substance abuse then acknowledge that.
If he owes people money and had mingled with the wrong crowd, ditto.
If depressed or another medical issue he needs help with that.
Be aware that some people when hitting rock bottom or where they have someone they can rely on can be very manipulative indeed.

I suspect given the hugely negative impact on the parent at some point they may well have to decide to call it a day. Unimaginable as that might be.

There’s nobody else to call to have a panic or a rant or a moan.
If there is an emergency there are medical helplines, 999 etc. Crisis lines like the Samaritans. His mother. The local NHS mental health crisis team.

Your DP needs to recognise that he cannot be everything his son needs, one day he won’t be here. They have to work together about widening the net.
It isn’t obvious right now where to look, because no one can replace your DP as an all purpose fail safe. But there are alternatives.